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» Scarleteen Boards: 2000 - 2014 (Archive) » SCARLETEEN CENTRAL » Bodies » anal

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Author Topic: anal
love1223
Neophyte
Member # 28836

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i would like to have anal sex with my girl but she gets scared and she tenses up and its hard for me to go in.shes all for it. i dont force it or her. lube didnt work. how can i calm her

[ 05-15-2006, 02:32 AM: Message edited by: love1223 ]

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Beppie
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Seriously, you need to respect your girlfriend's feelings more. If she tenses up whenever you attempt it, that's a BIG signal that she doesn't really want to do it, and will not enjoy it. You can calm her by not attempting sexual activities that she clearly does not enjoy.
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love1223
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i do respect her. she is the one telling me to do it. i dont force or anything. she just wants to try but i dont think nows the right time
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Beppie
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Tell her that then. If you don't feel it's the right time, and her physical signals are clearly saying that it's not right for her either, right now, then it's pretty clear that engaging in this particular activity is not going to be at all positive right now.

It's also important to remember that her reasons for saying that she wants to engage in a particular sexual activity might be not out of the desire to do the activity herself. It's unfortunately common that a lot of women feel that they need to perform certain activities in order to "please" their partners. It could be that what she "wants" is to make you happy, rather than wanting anal sex itself. If this is the case, you need to make it clear to her that your happiness with the relationship is not contingent on what you might do together sexually, and that she is under NO obligation to do ANYTHING for you that makes her in the least way uncomfortable. I know that you say that you are not forcing her, which is of course very important, but she may be feeling a measure of force that comes from the dominant cultural ideologies that surround heterosexual relationships, even if you don't use physical force.

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Gumdrop Girl
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and for more info about anal sex, check out Advice: Anal Sex.

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blarg
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Member # 27213

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"Seriously, you need to respect your girlfriend's feelings more. If she tenses up whenever you attempt it, that's a BIG signal that she doesn't really want to do it, and will not enjoy it. You can calm her by not attempting sexual activities that she clearly does not enjoy."

Actually, um, I don't agree with what the implication here is at all. Tensing up before something like anal sex is not a surefire signal that only means "I actually DON'T want this!" It could be that, yes, but it could be all sorts of things. love1223 is, as far as I can tell, absolutely respecting his girlfriend's feelings, considering that he is hesitant to have anal sex with her because it is difficult for her.

As a gay guy who has had anal sex many times, I can safely say that tensing up beforehand happens, and believe me, I WANTED it every time. I was not secretly saying no simply because I was tensed up. Obviously, love1223 needs to figure out if his girlfriend really wants to have anal sex or not, but tensing up beforehand does not automatically mean, "NO!" It's a new and different sexual act, and obviously one would be apprehensive beforehand. Maybe she's afraid that it will hurt (it very well might), or maybe she's just not sure how to relax for it. Also, rememeber that the anus is not designed for sex, so there are muscles there that tense up normally.

It's just, saying that being tense beforehand is a clear signal that someone is actually not consenting to sex is completely wrong. love1223 cares about his girlfriend's feelings enough not to have anal sex with her when she tenses up, and cares enough to ask if she's okay with it and how to make her more comfortable. Sorry, but it's just not a tell-tale sign of lack of consent; tensing up can and will and does happen before pretty much all sexual acts. This is not somehow disrespectful to his girlfriend; it was her idea, she repeatedly wants to try it, he is concerned that he may hurt her and is asking advice for allowing them to do something that they both want to do. Sorry, but I don't see anything wrong there.

[ 06-07-2006, 11:34 PM: Message edited by: blarg ]

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JamsessionVT
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I do not believe Beppie's intentions were to make the user out to be a bad person.

It's not a matter of lack of consent: the user made it pretty clear that his girlfriend wanted to try it. However, tensing before penetration isn't a good thing; it means the person is not relaxed, and MAY or MAY NOT be feeling some anxiety or nerves at the time. If either of these are the case, the partner needs to back down and make sure that everything is OK with the other before proceeding. Of course, this is not true for everyone, but in this case, we didn't know any more after that first post. So by no means was Beppie out of line. We see way too many cases of partners not respecting eachother's wishes or feelings when it comes to sexual activity, so we can't assume anything about a user when they post.

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Abbie
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zeta
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Well, I agree with Blarg. Sure, if a girl is being pressured, that is a bad thing, and we all know that. But this is a guy asking how to make her GF who *wants* to do it, more at ease.

It is also patronizing to women to assume that whenever a woman expresses an interest in particular sexual activity, we do it in order to please the male we're with. We get horny and curious, too. It *can* be about messed-upness about male desires, but it can also be about the fact that a girl just plain wants to experiment =7.

Anyway. Far as my experience with this goes: you want to take *ages*, use your fingers to "stretch her out" (with rubber gloves unless you're STD tested and monogamous, and possibly even then), if she's first-timer at it she'll be tense for sure since it just feels weird. Be sure you're comfortable talking about everything, be very reassuring towards her, and do everything sloooooww. Whatever amount of lube and time you think is suffiecient, and she thinks is sufficient, at least triple it =).

Things that worked for me when I wanted to try anal but was nervous: warm, dimly-lit, utterly safe environment, total trust in partner -knowing they'd stop any second and not mind at all and knew all about safe sex, lengthy massages of back, buttocks etc, taking all the time in the world, stopping immediately if it hurts, snuggling, and taking from beginning once -and if -the girl is up to it.

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I don't get even, I get odder

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Beppie
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quote:
Originally posted by zeta:
It is also patronizing to women to assume that whenever a woman expresses an interest in particular sexual activity, we do it in order to please the male we're with. We get horny and curious, too. It *can* be about messed-upness about male desires, but it can also be about the fact that a girl just plain wants to experiment =7.

Well, I don't think I was making a baseless assumption simply due to her gender. Remember that Love1223, in addition to reporting her tensing up to the extent that he was unable to achieve penetration even with plenty of lube, said that his partner seemed scared and also said that his gut feeling was that it wasn't the right time for it either-- all these things combined, in my opinion, made it quite prudent to suggest that she might subconsciously not want to engage in anal sex.

Of course, women want to experiment with sexual activities as much as men do, but it is important to acknowledge that there is social pressure out there for women to "perform" for male partners, and this pressure can be at work due to socialisation even when an individual partner (like Love 1223) has no desire to force his partner into anything. This social/cultural pressure isn't a good thing, but it is unfortunately a reality for many women, and as such, I don't think it's condescending for a male to acknowledge that reality by double checking that his female partners really are doing something out of their own sexual desire, rather than the desire to live up to pre-conceived notions about female sexuality.

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zeta
Activist
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Hm, you're right, that's difficult.

I've been somewhat lucky with guys, and mostly my source of annoyment has always came from them acting like as if they think I don't know what I want. "Yes, I said I wanted to do it, I am a fully autonomous logical person, now can we please get on with it, or if you don't want to do it just say so and we don't have to, but do stop asking if I want to! I already told you thrice..."

I guess that's the reason feminism is important to everyone, including those who live with perfecly respectful guys. I utterly hate being asked a gazillion times if I'm sure I'm fine -I said I was, why can't you believe me? -but on the other hand, I guess often it's only appropriate to be that careful.

In a perfect world, it'd be necessary, because no girl would be brainwashed to talk against their will...

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I don't get even, I get odder

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