It's not even noon and I've cried at least 10 separate times today. Hooray.
I had another topic in mind for this blog entry, but I'm incredibly emotional today and just can't quite tackle the topic I wanted. One of the things I've discovered about pregnancy is that it amplifies everything. The good and the bad. When I feel good, it's like the most awesome thing that's ever happened. My other child smiles at me and it truly is like the sun shines down. Funny things seem funnier than usual. When I'm feeling ambitious, it really feels like I could conquer the world. I am super woman, I am super mom, I can do all things!
But it's really a double-edged sword, because with the good comes the bad. My temper is shorter. I've got much less patience for things that frustrate me. Last week, I cut off several inches of my hair just because it bothered me that day. Little things that my partner does that would be just a minor irritation and truly no big deal suddenly seem like the worst thing in the world. A sad song on the radio or something on TV can set off a wave of tears or paranoia. Those SPCA 'help the abused pets' ads are like kryptonite, they break me down every time. A recent episode of one of my favorite shows had a storyline where a child died in a house fire. I sobbed and felt intensely paranoid about my own house. A favorite children's author passed away today and I've already cried over that this morning. Over the past couple of days, I've been having a disagreement with someone very important to me and it's incredibly upsetting. I spent last night crying about it and have cried this morning until my head hurts. My brand new ear buds seem to have a bad connection and don't work correctly. It seems like the worst day possible.
These are, obviously, natural human emotions. It's normal to be upset by arguing with those close to you. It's natural to be upset about these things. On the other hand though, I also know that the intensity and duration of my reactions to these emotions are, in part, related to being pregnant. Under other circumstances, my normal coping mechanisms would be functioning better. I realize that it sounds cliche, but part of this is very much related to all of the hormones coursing around in my body right now and all of the changes related to this pregnancy. I'm not sleeping as well lately, my back and hips become sore after laying in one position for any period of time. I wake up constantly. The little one seems to enjoy becoming super active right about the time I want to lay down and rest. My partner & I are in the process of buying a house (incredibly, ridiculously stressful). I'm hungry but also concerned about eating too much because I have a feeling I may have gained too much weight lately (no idea if this is true or not, but for whatever reason I feel that way). The sciatic nerve pain has started, so I often have shooting pains down one side of my rear end when I walk or stand for too long. Pour all that into one person, shake it up and watch the fireworks.
It basically is like the creation of a perfect storm for hard to manage emotions. Thus I am where I am today. I'm not sure I can offer some magic solution for dealing with it. It helps me a bit to realize that (while the emotions are natural) I'm not entirely in charge of what's happening with my body & mind right now. I try to remind myself that it's okay to feel whatever a feel in any given moment, but that what matters is how I react to it and what I do about it. I can't beat myself up for the bad days. I can't let myself run so fast on the good days that I end up out of energy and miserable. It's all about moderation. Still, when you've cried 10+ times before noon, it's hard. It's just hard.