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I'll Show You Mine: Emily

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Submitted by Heather Corinna on Mon, 2011-08-15 13:54

This is our fourth installment of stories and photographs from I'll Show You Mine, a book by Wrenna Robertson and photographer Katie Huisman, and by all of the women featured in the book, collectively. To find out more about the book, Wrenna, and why we think this is such an important project, check out our interview with her here. Or, you can visit the website for the book to find out and more and get a copy for yourself.

If you would like to ask the person whose body and words are featured in each entry any questions or have a conversation with her, most of the subjects have agreed to make themselves available here in the comments for discussions with our readers. As mentioned in Wrenna's interview, so many people never get the opportunity to talk about genitals in an honest, open and safe way with others, so we encourage you to avail yourselves of the opportunity, and are so grateful to the women involved for making this kind of conversation available to Scarleteen readers.

We're also happy to talk with you as Scarleteen staff or volunteers if you like. Depending on your feelings about your own genitals or those of others, and your experience (or lack of it) in seeing vulvas so realistically before, reading narratives or seeing images like these may stir up feelings for you which are uncomfortable. We're glad to talk you through any discomfort if you like should that happen for you. We're also happy to answer any questions this series may bring up for you about sexual or reproductive anatomy, either here in comments, on our message boards, or through our text service.

Reminder: This post includes a set of unaltered, unretouched and detailed photographs of the vulva for the purposes of awareness and education, not for sexual or other entertainment. If you do not wish to view photos like this, or are in a location where you do not feel comfortable viewing them, you may not want to read or scroll to the bottom of this page. We have left substantial space in between the words and the images so you may read all of the author's narrative without also viewing the images if you prefer.

This post also includes a first-person narrative reflective of the author and their own thoughts, feelings and language, which may or may not reflect the opinions or values of Scarleteen as an organization.

My name is Emily.

My pussy is special to me because I didn't always have one, because I have worked so hard to be able to have one. I always struggled with my gender identity and, in particular, having male genitalia, as it never felt right to me. In my darkest times, I could not go to the bathroom without thinking about taking a butcher's knife to my genitalia.

My vagina was constructed out of the tissues from my old genitalia: the labia are created from my scrotal tissue, the vaginal wall from the skin tissue of the penile shaft, and the clitoris made from the head of the penis (including all the nerve endings). I have no cervix, no uterus or ovaries. I do not get periods and cannot get pregnant. This is a blessing I've been told by many other women, yet I still wish I could experience these natural parts of womanhood. Despite this, I know that I am just as real a woman as any other.

I remember a couple days after my surgery, when I could feel my new pussy underneath all the bandages. Finally everything about my body felt right. Somehow I knew where everything was, even though I couldn't see it and all I had known before was my penis.

In fact, ever since that moment, I have not been able to remember what having a penis ever felt like. For me, this is a wonderful freedom. I've had people tell me I'm "crazy" or that I would regret this, that I would miss my penis. The truth is I could never bring myself to go back, even if it were still physically possible. I used to have a recurring nightmare in which I would wake up in a hospital with my penis sewn back on me. Now, when I see myself naked, I can look down at my pussy and be reassured that it could never happen.

My vagina isn't much to look at; the slit curves near the bottom, and I have a thick scar on each side of my labia, which is very visible if I shave my pubic hair. Yet I feel a sense of satisfaction whenever I look at it. My pussy's beauty comes from its struggle for its own existence. I feel a connection with it that I never had with my previous genitalia.

I've had my vagina for a year and a half now, and I honestly can't imagine my life without it anymore. I enjoy sex so much more, as everything feels so much more natural and satisfying. My pussy has given me the confidence that I needed in order to love my body.

Today, I love being naked because I can look at my body and be happy with who I am, and my pussy is an integral part of that experience.

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Previous posts in this series:

Want some information on vulvas and other sexual anatomy, gender and body image? Check these links out to get started:

Comments

keep rocking

Tue, 2012-01-17 22:49
Anonymous

you rock, emily! it takes guts to go against everyone else to follow what your inner most gut tells you is right, but you did it! you're amazing! i wish you the best of luck with you and yours!

To emily

Wed, 2011-09-07 20:22
Anonymous

thanks for sharing your story! you are amazing!
i wish you (and your pussy :) lots of happiness!

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