You probably know Scarleteen has been the premier online sexuality resource for young people worldwide since 1998. We have consistently provided free inclusive, comprehensive and positive sex education, information and support to millions for longer than anyone else online. We built the online model for teen and young adult sex education and have remained online for nearly eleven years to sustain, refine and expand it.
What you might not know is that Scarleteen is the highest ranked online young adult sexuality resource but also the least funded and that the youth who need us most are also the least able to donate. You might not know that we have done all we have with a budget lower than the median annual household income in the U.S. You might not know we have provided the services we have to millions without any federal, state or local funding and that we are fully independent media which depends on public support to survive and grow.
You also might not know Scarleteen is primarily funded by people who care deeply about teens having this kind of vital and valuable service; individuals like you who want better for young people than what they get in schools, on the street or from initiatives whose aim is to intentionally use fearmongering, bias and misinformation about sexuality to try to scare or intimidate young people into serving their own personal, political or religious agendas.
To try and reach our goal, we're asking our supporters to consider a donation of $100 or greater. If that isn't possible for you, what you can give will still help and will still be strongly appreciated. To donate now, click on one of the links below. If you'd first like more information on why we're setting the goal we are, what Scarleteen has done in the last year and during the whole of our tenure, our plans for 2010, and what the scoop is with our budget and expenses, keep reading.
Had around 1 million overall hits to the site each day from an average of 25,000 unique users daily. Scarleteen has a very high page-load rate as compared to other websites: on average, our users load 3.5 pages each when visiting Scarleteen. Since 2006 alone, our site has had over one billion overall hits and nearly 70 million page loads.
Currently, Scarleteen is the #1 ranked site by Alexa for teen sexuality education/information and for general sexuality advice for users of all ages. It is ranked 27,823 of all websites internationally, and is ranked 11,210th in the United States (on 10/12/2009). Our core users are international, 15-24 and diverse in their race, gender and sexual orientation. To see some of our user testimonials, click here.
To find out more about our educational philosophies and model, you may want to read Scarleteen Is..., What Is Feminist Sex Education?, On Innovation and Inclusivity in Sex Education, A Calm View from the Eye of the Storm: Hysteria, Youth and Sexuality or look at our general about page. If you've never taken the time to just look around the site as a whole, please do!
Engaged in over 4,000 conversations with young people on our message boards, providing them factual and friendly answers on contraception, sexual anatomy, safer sex, sexual health, masturbation, interpersonal relationships and other related topics; helping them through struggles like pregnancy scares or unplanned pregnancies, STIs, sexual harassment, rape and intimate partner violence or abuse; talking them through relationships and breakups, family conflicts, gender, sexual identity or body image issues and their sexual decision-making; discussing political issues pertinent to sexuality and youth rights. Most posts at the boards are answered within a few hours, some within minutes. Many of our board users return to the boards again and again for more help, to engage in deeper discussions or to talk with or support other users.
In total our boards have over 43,000 registered users who have posted over 60,000 topics: all have been answered by one or more of Scarleteen's staff and volunteers. Our boards are fully moderated and a safe space for young people. To help protect our users from potential harassment, they may not share personal information like full names, e-mail addresses, messenger or social networking handles or personal webpages. Managing and moderating the message boards often requires the bulk of our staff and volunteer time.
Answered nearly 100 column-length young adult questions in our Sexpert Advice section, which is also syndicated weekly at RH Reality Check. There are around 900 Sexpert Advice columns in total published at the site. However, our advice queue typically has over 500 questions waiting for answers. In order to catch up with this backlog, we need the funds to acquire more staff to handle the high demand for the longer, in-depth answers our advice column provides and our users are seeking there.
Generated fresh static content. So far this year, we have posted 42 blog entries, half of which were penned by young adult volunteers, and have added more than ten new full articles to the site. Some of our most recent articles include Positively Informed: An HIV/AIDS Roundup, Boys Do Cry: How To Deal With a Breakup Like a Man, An Immodest Proposal, Chicken Soup for the Pregnancy Symptom Freakout's Soul, Let's Get Metaphysical: The Etiquette of Entry, Give'em Some Lip: Labia That Clearly Ain't Minor and Love Letter. We have also added several new youth-written articles this year, and updated several existing articles to be sure our information is accurate and timely.
Excluding the message boards (where there are tens of thousands of pages), Scarleteen currently contains around 1500 pages of content: articles, advice answers, blogs, external resource listings, polls and more. We are not able to pay authors for articles, though we often are queried by authors we'd love to hire who have great ideas. An increase in our budget would allow us to provide more new articles and to further diversify Scarleteen's editorial voice.
Received media coverage: In the last year, Scarleteen was mentioned by/in Salon, Glamour, BUST magazine, Medill Reports, TIME Magazine, City on a Hill Press, The San Francisco Chronicle, The Philadelphia Inquirer, The New York Times, Utne Reader, CBS News and other outlets. To see some of this and more media coverage for Scarleteen in previous years, click here.
Provided direct community education and outreach: In the last year, Scarleteen director Heather Corinna gave talks to sex education students, sex educators and sexologists, youth and/or their allies via presentations at or for the University of Texas (NSRC Regional Training), the sex::tech conference, the American Medical Students Association, Harvard College, the NARAL Youth Summit and Garfield High School directly reaching around 350 total participants. In addition, through the CONNECT program for Washington Corinna currently directs through Cedar River Clinics, direct to-youth sex education was provided on an ongoing basis both to Cedar River young adult clients and homeless teens in Seattle at Spruce Street SCRC, a secure residential shelter. In 2010, Scarleteen will inherit the CONNECT program and continue Seattle-based direct outreach. We also have plans to continue providing information and education both to youth and other educators via conferences, summits and other public outreach opportunities nationally. In addition, with the help of a student intern, Scarleteen is preparing four informative pamphlets for print and distribution to clinics, schools and other groups which serve young people on sexual readiness, consent, managing sexuality after rape or abuse and on how to be queer and trans friendly.
In 2009 we ran a pilot program to train young adult peer sex educators online. To find out about that program and see what trainees had to say about their experience click here. We want to provide two more sessions of the training for 60 trainees in 2010. We have also just debuted a new SMS service for young people to text sexuality, sexual health and relationship questions to us and have them answered on their mobile phones. For more information on the text-in service, click here. As with all of our services, both of these new services are provided at no cost to youth.
On top of continuing the existing services we provide, we would like to continue to grow, adding new sections, functions and levels of service.
What We've Got & What We Need: As of November 1st, 2009, Scarleteen has received approximately $42,000 in grants and donations, the bulk of which has come from a single private grant. Only around $8,000 of that total has come from individual donations, $3,000 of which was from a single donor. To meet our needs for 2009 and the start of 2010, we need $70,000 in total financial support. Our goal now is to raise at least $24,000 in the next two months to meet our needs and cover the costs of 2009, as well as to walk into 2010 on financially healthy footing.
Beginning next year, we will require a minimum annual operating budget of $75,000 and the revenue to support it. While that is a substantial increase from our existing budget, it is essential: our existing budget cannot adequately sustain our staff or the organization as a whole. That new minimum budget is also still incredibly low: it accounts for the site running at a total of around $200 a day to provide all of the services we do to all of the young people and their allies who use them.
75K is exceptionally cost-effective and reasonable for the level of service we provide, especially compared to other organizations and initiatives, including those which do not match our reach and our level of direct-service. To find out details about our budget and expenses, and to compare them to other budgets and expenses of both similar and opposing sex education initiatives, click here.
Please make a donation if you are able, and consider the value and level of the services we provide to young people in doing so. A $100 donation can pay a major chunk of our server bill for a month, or half the monthly cost of the SMS service, or, can fund any kind of use of the site, including one-on-one counsel and care, for around 10,000 of our daily users. However, we would very much appreciate your a donation at any level.
We'd be grateful if you'd share our appeal with your own networks to broaden ours, and let the people who care about you know why you care so much about us.
In advance, we thank you for all you can give us and all you do or have done in support of Scarleteen. We fully intend to keep doing all we can to give just as much back.
If you would like to support us in some other way, such as through advertising, sponsorship or by volunteering your time or if you have any questions about donating, we'd love to hear from you. You can contact us via e-mail here.
If you're a regular reader of the Scarleteen blog, then you're probably already familiar with her fierce, fantastic, and, yes, frisky blog entries: Mary C. a.k.a. Mary Lingwall may be a relatively new arrival at Scarleteen, but she's already made quite a splash with some strong stories. Not afraid to push the envelope, Mary's posts are a mixture of fresh personal narrative, social commentary, and academic comparative that is tasty and easy to swallow-- just what the empowered sex-positive educator ordered!
In her first piece, "From Closeted to Comfortable", we accompany her on her journey from the closet as a reluctant masturbator to her dorm bathroom where she unabashedly washes her dildos while holding court with friends. However, that post is not just fun to read but even manages to connect the assiduous with the intense. Mary asserts that she can, indeed, feel comfortable with her whole self, sexual or not. She credits resources like Scarleteen for "reminding me that my sex life is not my defining characteristic and that being kinky doesn’t equate to being degenerate." Then, in "Vajayjays," "Lady Parts" & "Aunt Flow", Mary takes Oprah to task for pussyfooting around using the correct terminology for female genitalia. Indeed, if "even Oprah... who has recently been one of the most beneficially outspoken contenders in the push for medically accurate, full-body sexual education for adolescents... can't say the word "vagina" without becoming uncomfortable", then is it any wonder that it's so hard for legions of girls and young women to do the same? In her most recent entry, Mary explores the intersection between "Feminism and Facials", or how even in the sex-positive feminist blogosphere, certain sexual acts can make people cringe or cry out with contempt; Mary provides an excellent overview on the topic, summarizing many of the pieces out there and stating her opinion, then ultimately leaving it up to the readers to decide where they stand.
Mary is not just a thought-provoking but also a prolific writer. In addition to occasionally blogging at Scarleteen, Mary is a junior Plan II Honors and History major at the University of Texas at Austin, where she can also be found reaching out to her peers as a Healthy Sexuality Peer Educator for UT’s health services, chairing Campus Coalition for Sexual Literacy, and writing for the Daily Texan. While she's currently on hiatus from Scarleteen, hardly surprisingly considering all the great things on her plate, you don't have to wait to read new material if you head over to her DT sex column "Hump Day” or check out her personal journal at Pink Lip Pariah.
I absolutely adore each of those pieces of hers here at Scarleteen and eagerly anticipate the topics Mary will cover in the future; I am also proud to share this recent interview with Scarleteen right now.
Hello! Could you please share some basic information about yourself?
My name is Mary Lingwall and I am a junior at the University of Texas at Austin. I am a student studying history, but what I actually enjoy doing is working as a Healthy Sexuality Peer Educator for UT’s health services, serving as chairperson for the Campus Coalition for Sexual Literacy, and writing about music, gender, culture, and art for UT’s daily newspaper, the Daily Texan. I also write the sex column for the Daily Texan, which is called "Humpday”. In my free time I blog here at Scarleteen and for my personal site, Pink Lip Pariah.
What do you do at Scarleteen?
Here at Scarleteen I am a new blogger (I have only written a few posts). I try to stick to personal insights into bigger issues around sex, gender and culture. I have been a huge fan of Heather Corinna’s since I was in high school and I have been absolutely honored that she lets me share my voice on topics like how women conceptualize their own vaginas and what “facials” have to do with feminism.
How long have you been active at Scarleteen? When did you start volunteering?
I have only been active at Scarleteen since July. And in the past month or so I have been very unproductive… I blame my physics class. I do not know why I enrolled in such a taxing subject and I can’t wait until December 1st when I can return to my normal life.
What initially brought you to Scarleteen, and what’s kept you around?
I was attracted to Scarleteen when I was a very horny teenager in a relationship with a slut-shaming boyfriend. I found voices here that made me feel normal. I became addicted to Scarleteen when I read Corinna’s post on our culture’s obsession with managing womens’ menstrual cycles. I think the post is called “I Being a Woman and Suppressed”—and it is one of the most excellent pieces on gender that I think I have ever read.
What’s been the best part of volunteering? What have been some of your most memorable moments here?
The best part of volunteering is the comment section. My work as a sex columnist for a public University in Texas has not been very conducive to positive feedback, but the Scarleteen community has always been very welcoming. Ever when people disagree with me on Scarleteen they do it in such a way that I feel like I am being engaged in intellectual discourse. At UT a lot of the times, people’s criticisms are far from constructive. It’s nice to write somewhere that people may still disagree with me, but I don’t get called a derogatory name just because of our differences
If you are willing to talk about it, could you please share the biggest challenge you’d faced while volunteering at Scarleteen?
My biggest challenge so far has simply been keeping up. I have ideas all of the time, but actually sitting down and making coherent arguments can get challenging. Once I hastily wrote a post and quickly got a few e-mails from Heather and I learned that I can’t rush my work here. I think that taught me a lot, but at the same time I haven’t been able to dedicate myself in a way that I think is necessary. I am tempted on almost a daily basis to quit school and commit myself to writing. But I think that would be a very poor choice no matter how attractive it may look now.
Could you please tell us more about your life outside of Scarleteen. What do you do?
My life outside of Scarleteen is pretty much like any other 20 year old’s. I go to school and enjoy going out at night. I love watching live music (and I am absolutely obsessed with the bands Titus Andronicus, the So So Glos, Wine and Revolution, and Literature). I have a strange affinity for sweeping my floors because I hate wearing shoes. I also collect art (it’s a very meager collective right now, but I still love all my small pieces). I really like work by Michael Sieben, Sterling Allen, and Nathan Green—all Austin based artists affiliated with a collective here called Okay Mountain.
How do you typically use the computer and internet? Are there any other sites you like to frequent or recommend? Do you have a blog or something else you’d like to share?
I am very interested in the blogosphere. The whole idea of blogging is very interesting to me. I read from about ten blogs on a daily basis, ranging from Austin culture to music news and of course my sex blogs. I think some of the most notable work going on write now is coming from DC, namely the Washington City Paper’s blog on sex and gender called The Sexist (written by Amanda Hess) and TheNewGay.net. Both are really fantastic. Of course, I also frequent the usual feminist spots including Pandagon, Jezebel, Feministing, and Salon.com’s Broadsheet, and RH Reality Check.
Where are you coming from? Could you please share some of your roots with us?
I am from a suburb of Dallas, Texas called Cedar Hill; but that location has very little to do with my Self. The most identifiable “roots” I can think of are my parents. I cannot express enough how influential and supportive my parents are and have been since I was a little nay-saying loner growing up in their house. I still chat with both of my parents every single day and I am lucky enough to be able to talk about sex, sexuality, and issues of gender (among other things) with them openly. When I became a Healthy Sexuality Peer Educator my sophomore year of college, I remember my mom being very confused about my decision and she didn’t want me to tell her conservative extended family. But as time wore on and especially after I started writing Humpday each week, she started opening up to me about topics I never expected her to discuss. Seeing a grown woman open her mind to issues that she has ignored all her life has had a sincere effect on my writing and I honor her willingness to share with me. My father has been my editor and best friend since I can remember and without his example and love, I think I would have refused to learn how to read. Now, most of my family reads what I write, whether it’s a piece on rape or a piece on vaginas—I have a support system that is profoundly important to me.
Also, my brother is one of the best resources I have available to me. He is very opinionated and has never shyed from disagreeing with me. But the best part about Patrick is that he challenges me and calls me out sometimes because he wants me to be the real me. Sometimes I get carried away in knee-jerk reactionary talk or very cookie-cutter “feminist” responses to a story—but Patrick never fails to let me know when my writing fails in originality. And that is a kind of help that writers rarely get these days.
I also had an English teacher throughout high school, Mrs. Hoffman (from Canterbury Episcopal School in De Soto, Texas)—she changed my life by fostering and challenging my voice as a writer. Mrs. Hoffman’s guidance has been life-altering. Also, my horseback riding trainer growing up, Christine Radosta, was the first and foremost feminist I have ever encountered and I don’t think I would be me without having known her.
Whom do you turn to for advice and support?
I accept advice from people I respect. Of course my family is a huge supplier of advice, but I also look to novelists like Mark Twain, Dostoevsky, and Virginia Woolf. I think one of the best places to look for advice is in Mrs. Dalloway. When I need direction I typically look to a printed page instead of a person with a biased relationship to myself. My support system is varied. As connected as I am to my family and the people I love, I am also very self-sufficient. At the end of the day you have to accept yourself and your choices as an individual and I try to support my decisions with that mantra in mind. But I do have a very strong network of people whom I love and who love me-- they help keep me grounded and true to myself and I sincerely appreciate them.
What are some of your hobbies, interests, and passions?
I have a lot of hobbies, mostly because I am scatter-brained and get into things and never finish them. But the hobbies that have made imprints on my life have been horseback riding, reading, writing, journaling, and memorizing Indigo Girls songs.
There used to be a popular bumper sticker that said, “I’d rather be dancing.” What would you rather be doing?
What would I rather be doing? Oh gosh… I think I’d rather be at coffee with my parents, discussing anything from politics to why all my fat goes between my knees and my belly button.
Would you mind sharing your plans for the future or long-term goals?
My plans for the future are all over the place. I have always had a lot of different paths that I thought about seriously—from being a feature writer for a music magazine like Spin to teaching History to high school kids and just about everything in between. But as I get older I start to feel like Ester Greenwood in The Bell Jar and all of my figs are falling off my fig tree. My short-term goals are to graduate and get into a history graduate school program. From there, who knows?
Now that we’ve heard about your involvement at Scarleteen as well as your personal life, could you please share how how your tenure at ST has affected your life offline and vice versa?
Scarleteen has, above all else, given me an opportunity to become a better writer. Feedback is one of the most important ways to grow and Scarleteen has provided it without hesitation, from Heather’s correspondence with me (be it praise, questions, or corrections) to the comments from readers—it has all been constructive and I couldn’t ask for a better community to help me hone my craft.
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Lena, formerly known at the blog as Femke, is a Scarleteen volunteer and creator and editor of the Spotlight on Scarleteen blog feature that helps readers get to know the site content and people who create it better. What is Spotlight on Scarleteen? Find out more by clicking here.
We're pleased to host the 6th edition (oops, make that the 8th!) of the newly reborn Feminist Carnival! In the spirit of rebirth, and in alignment with the readers and mission of Scarleteen, this round puts it's focus on young feminist bloggers and feminist issues particularly pertinent to younger women.
We often hear that younger women are eschewing feminism or that young feminists just aren't out there. But maybe we just need to look a little harder and listen a little more.
Sian and crooked rib echoes that sentiment here:
It seems a lot of people are very invested in the idea that there are no young feminists, that young women are turning away from feminism in droves, that young women just don’t care about feminism, that we are embarrassed and ashamed of it.
Well, all I can say to that is it is not my experience AT ALL. I know hundreds of young feminists. I am in touch with young feminists all over the country through networks and Ladyfests, and I am in touch with young feminists all over the world through social media and the blogosphere.
We’re everywhere. Get used to it.
Not Kelsey makes her claim of the f-word, and some common negative associations with it, clear:
I am an advocate of women’s rights on the grounds of political, social, and economic equality to men. By definition, I am a feminist. For many, the word feminist conjures up images of bra-burning ceremonies, shaved heads, and militant lesbians. Man-haters. “Femi-nazis.”
Julie Z. at fbomb makes some analysis of the Shriver Report and writes:
When my peers find out that I am a feminist blogger, I am generally faced with a few questions. “So you’re a lesbian?” is a pretty common one. “What’s a feminist?” is another. I have honed answering these questions into an art form, where I am able to answer both educationally and with a snippet of snark. It’s statements like, “We don’t need feminism anymore,” that truly give me pause.
And Amelia Thomson-DeVeaux calls the report out for neglecting young women, adding that:
Crowing over how far we've come in the women's movement not only alienates young men and women, it gives us more reasons to be complacent.
Kripa says no thanks to "feminine-ism" in a sharp and witty takedown, and the youngest feminist blogger I've seen in a while does a nimble job of calling out stupid, sexist Swiffer.
At the All Girl Army, Em gracefully speaks to what feels like a common experience of younger women and young feminists:
Maybe we are the lizards, shrugging off old skin tempted by a new life, abandoning our memories of a harsh dry existence.
We are the Women, bare of our shells, entangled in a web of your labels, gracefully weaving a finer path, shrugging off a bruised and battered history, moving forward but always watching, waiting for the predator to land upon us.
Also at the All Girl Army, Zen explores shaping her own identity:
Every few weeks I learn something new about my family, and I have to incorporate it into who I am. The more I learn about my family, the more I feel I was destined to become the person I am, even though I feel like a disappointment to my mother. She was raised a hippie, as I was, but she has drifted so far from her roots and my nana's teachings that I don't think she knows how to listen to trees anymore. She says 'it was just a phase,' but I think I am who I am because she (at one point in her life) thought it would be important to fill me with feminist, environmentalist values. And now she's disappointed that I don't have a five year plan (which I do, it just changes about every three months).
Jule Z. at fbomb addresses youth and technology:
...as one of my former teachers recently observed, “Technology is sucking the emotions from today’s youth. Constant contact is not a good thing.” And I don’t know, I think that’s kind of true (says the girl who spends hours every day working on her blog, reading other blogs, social networking and whatnot). But seriously – sometimes it’s good to have time to yourself, to be with yourself. I think this is especially true when it comes to technology and relationships.
Laura Woodhouse at the F-Word is "frantically waving the feminist flag, jumping up and down, blowing a whistle and tearing her hair out" the Feminist Review covers Side Dishes: Latina American Women, Sex, and Cultural Production, and at Scarleteen, Joey checks out "Sexploration Week" and comes away with some cheers and some jeers.
Thoughtful Revolution grapples with the kind of conflict all feminists will have at one point or another: disagreeing with another feminist you admire and respect:
Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s 2004 novella “Memoria de mis putas tristes,” roughly translated as “Memories of my Melancholy Whores” (promising title, right?) was, like the more famous “Love in the Time of Cholera,” going to receive the silver-screen treatment...
...the amazing Lydia Cacho, a world-renowned feminist activist primarily known for her work against the sexual abuse of women and children vocally opposes the film’s production, saying that “[her opposition to the film] is not about censorship or prudishness, but about the need of an in-depth debate about the ideological support for child exploitation.”
I agree completely. Which is why I think that legally forcing the termination of the film’s production is a terrible idea. And that’s hard for me to say, because in any given debate, I don’t want to side against Lydia Cacho.
Whole Wheat fantastically addresses the giant suck that is being :
I played a show in Seattle last night. Some old dudes were talking to us as we were setting up our stuff. "Who's the drummer?" I point at Claire. "No way!" (I don't know what he means by that.) Pronouncement: "We have to stay and watch these ladies play!" (maybe I am the only one who cringes at the word "ladies"). We go on stage, and on the song where I play drums, Claire sometimes bangs on Davy's chest with a tambourine while they sing the duet and Davy plays guitar. After the song, I went to pick up my bass again, and heard different old dudes in the front row telling each other, "Man, that was really sexy!"
So before we started our next song, I grabbed the mike and addressed the very sparsely-filled room (we were the opening band). "You know what the best part of being in an all-queer girl band is?" I asked. "When dudes try to hit on you and don't realize that they're dealing with A WHOLE TROOP OF LESBIANS. It's awesome. Totally the best part."
Charleigh at the AGA is a queer Iraq War veteran turned anti-war activist who talks with a brave candor about the biggest boys club there is:
I found a different voice, a strong voice and came out and started to speak out about my experiences in the military. This "enlightenment" our "outlet", as I think of it has become one of the things I draw my greatest strength from, but suffer my deepest sadness from sharing.
...Most of our brothers do their very best to learn the past wrongs introduced to them by one of the most misogynist organizations there is. However the re-learning process is harder because military men are taught that women are weak, and therefore can be treated as second class. Job placements and pseudo-science tell them that as warriors we are inferior and can be dismissed. The untrue notions that our periods or body mass or emotional weakness are re-inforced by the blocking of women in so called "combat roles" IE; Special Forces, Rangers, SEALS, Para-rescue, Infantry, Cavalry, Artillery. You name it men are given the excuse, with "science" to back it up. Although this woman can personally attest to some physically weak, cowardly and even deeply emotionally disturbed men. A crackpot man weighing 140 pounds straight out of jail for a misdemeanor can qualify for these positions. Bullshit.
Irmelin at the AGA has had it way-past-up-to-here with catcalls.
Teacher Kate Townsend at the F-Word addresses the sexism and gender inequities in primary schools that no one likes to talk about:
Most of us want to believe that our primary schools remain havens of childhood innocence; skipping ropes, clapping games and a sense of gender blind comradery (or at least immature antipathy between the sexes amounting to nothing more sinister than the “boys are icky” argument).
As recent media coverage has highlighted, we concoct this vision of utopian childhood at the cost of neglecting the facts; sexual bullying is rife in schools at primary level as well as secondary, and so perhaps it is unsurprising that girls are already learning to hate themselves and their bodies before they even make it to double figures.
Grappling with female and/or female-identified embodiment during and post-puberty is a common thread for young women. While it's certainly an issue for all women, claiming the female body, becoming at home in it is often especially challenging when that process is so new. Brooke at the All Girl Army makes some strong statements that speak to its import:
I see how my own body has been the victim of sexism. Short, thin, bruised, burned, scared. Starved, stressed, beaten, forced, burdened.
We can longer separate our bodies from those of other women, because we are all the same in the eyes of the world.
Vanessa at Athena Magazine talks about the roots of her disordered eating and lists some great creative coping strategies in Sexual Health Sundays: Body Image. Also at Athena, Lessons learned From Tyra. Meloukhia talks about the politics of public healthcare initiatives and makes clear that:
I would rather that my body not be used as a sticking point for political convenience. I would rather that my body not be used, honestly, as a political tool. It is extremely disempowering to know that my body and bodies like it are being used to hold up the entire health care debate in this country, that we red herrings being used to distract from the real issues and the big picture.
Julia considers how tough it is to get to her own positive body image when how she looks to men is so tough to put outside the picture:
It's not so much that I think I look that bad, but to a boy? Who knows? While I consciously know I'm fairly healthy, my subconscious can be screaming to try and drop a few - after all, I wouldn't want a guy to judge me. Even when you're trying to protect a very feminist mindset, impulses brought on by our sexist society can still remain, like bits of debris floating around in your brain. I'd certainly like to clean out those thoughts!
Joss knows I love him (I even embarrassed myself by thanking him in my book acknowledgments on top of tending to call him by his first name as if we were buddies), but Laura does an excellent call-out and analysis of consistent ableism in Whedon's work that you just can't possibly ignore:
TV isn’t usually the place where we see a lot of people with disabilities. It’s not as if Joss Whedon’s shows are any different from other shows in the number of people with disabilities that are regularly featured. But Joss has had a reputation of creating shows that revolve around the promotion of the able body in ways that other shows don’t. His shows value the able body not by only showing people without disabilities, but by centering shows around what able bodies can (and should) do.
An entry from Amanda Stone at Womenstake does another great media critique of an issue with the show Glee that's also a fine review of Title IX requirements.
We often hear that women are being TMI online about their bodies, with too little commentary about the root of that reaction, usually based in the feeling that ANY real-deal talk about women's bodies, and the more complex aspects of living in a woman's body, is TMI based in a long history of too little information. Penny Red covers a fascinating piece and asks all the right questions in "Have You No Shame?":
"I'm in a board meeting. Having a miscarriage. Thank goodness, because there's a fucked-up three-week hoop-jump to have an abortion in Wisconsin."
That right there, in >140 characters, is possibly the most succinct and effective piece of feminist gonzo journalism I have ever read. Personal, factual, shoving the meaty political details of women's everyday life right up in your face. Plus, it quite delightfully manages to combine in 32 words most of the big taboos of modern misogynist thought: women bleeding in the boardroom. Women being candid about the parts of our physical lives which aren't to do with fucking but also matter to us. Women's bodies being, in fact, more than just tools for baby-making and delivering sexual pleasure to men. Women being outspoken and proud about reproductive self-determination. Women reacting to the termi,nation of unwanted pregnancy not with horrific, life-stomping mental breakdown but with what most of us actually feel: relief. The radical truths that women, with their bleeding, messy cunts, can hold high-powered jobs, make decisions about our own bodies, own our own moral compasses and face pain and humiliation with our heads held high.
"I was even interviewed on CNN where the news anchor asked me, 'Young lady, do you have no shame?'"
To which the obvious retort is: why, was she expected to? Was she expected to be ashamed? Of what? Of suffering through a miscarriage? Of not wanting a third child? Of doing both of these things whilst having the temerity to have, gods forbid, a job?
Jess McCabe at the F-Word dives into menarchy, Zad B has The Hairy Legs Dilemma and also at the F-Bomb, Leah RD makes us all cross our legs a little by introducing us to the vaginal mint.
Here at Scarleteen, Mary addresses the silencing of women's genitals via the infantile language often used to describe them:
The fact that vaginas have turned into vajayjays makes me think that our culture is okay with making vaginas silly and, ultimately, taboo. When we make vaginas scary and unspeakable we inherently consent to the equally prevalent view that women are scary. We are controlled by these scary organs that are plagued by uncontrollable, monthly visits from "Aunt Flow". How in the world can we be trusted? We're so crazy!!
And the ramifications of our silent treatment of vaginas are not only sad, but dangerous.
Also at the Scarleteen blog, Katya unpacks some of The Sticky Situation of Interracial Attraction, and the difference between attraction and fetishizing:
Why are racial fetishes damaging? Because when someone with a racial fetish has sex with a person of color, they may be thinking of their partner in terms of their race alone--a degrading essentialization--and they also often attach racial stereotypes to that essentialization. Some examples are: "Black men are sexually insatiable" or "Asian women are naughty school girls." Clearly, if someone holds one of these stereotypes and this is all they see in their sexual partner(s), this is problematic.
Stefanie addresses Principles and Desires and Female Impersonator blogs one of the clearest analogies of consent you could possibly want. I talk about How Easy It Isn't for young women today when it comes to sex. Two very different takes on marriage issues, from Ashley, with This is What a Beautiful Bride Looks Like, and Genderbitch, with On Marriage: Impaled? Have A Bandage!:
There’s been a whole lot of talk about marriage lately. I’m sure you’ve all noticed the flurry of activity on the part of the GLB…(t) community to get legal marriage extended to gay couples all over America. A move that might, maybe, cover trans folk who are still legally seen as their birth assigned sex and are heterosexual. Maybe. And prolly cover gay trans folks unless folk really want to be giant cissexist douchebags. Numerous states have blocked it or simply not succeeded in passing it. Some have judicially crushed laws blocking it and legalized it, others have gone to civil unions instead. But surprisingly, that’s not important.
Chally is peeling the sticky tape away from sex ed:
What’s a clitoris? It’s a question I’ve had to answer many times since that day, but every time it makes me very sad that I’m the one answering it. It should have been told these young people by their parents and their teachers, not that oddball feminist they know. It should have been taught along with all the other information they were given, through education formal and informal, about their bodies, and relating to people, and information about how the world works. Because whether they’re waiting for marriage or not wanting to have sex ever or already starting out on their sexual lives, young people have the right to information that will allow healthy, informed decisions about their own selves. And it’s terribly sad that young people are so often left to glean this information as best they can.
Addressing sexual or interpersonal violences, Marcella Chester at Abyss2Hope analyzes a recent report that date-rape drugs are urban mythology, and Cara at The Curvature addresses one of the most common responses to intimate partner violence there is, in Not The Man I Know:
We all know the common response from family, friends, coworkers, and acquaintances when a man is alleged to have committed intimate partner violence and/or sexual violence: That’s not the man that I know.
...Never does the statement leave room for, “How could I have been so unaware of his violent nature?” Or, “It must have been so difficult for his victim(s) to shoulder the burden of that violence alone, when we all thought so highly of him.” Because while not all of the above statements are mutually exclusive with violence against women, and the perception of any of them certainly is not, the “not the man that I know” declaration never leaves room for belief that the accuser is telling an objective truth. The statement is rather always followed with the words, or at least the implication: “He would never do that.”
At Amplify Your Voice, Jaclyn Friedman makes absolutely, perfectly clear that Rape is not a game and women's bodies are not toys in addressing the gang rape of of a 15 year-old girl outside a high school dance in California:
It happened because, in the absence of comprehensive, pleasure-based sex ed from an early age, kids are learning about sex by watching gonzo porn that fetishizes violence against women. It happened because rape is literally treated as a game by the powerful video game industry.
It happened because Whoopi Goldberg and scores of other Hollywood heavyweights made it perfectly clear that if you're talented and powerful, it's no big deal if you drug and rape a 13 year-old girl. And who doesn't want to think of themselves as talented and powerful?
It happened because when women accuse men of rape, we automatically question her motives, which leaves rapists free to rape again and again. It happens because movies treat rape like a punchline, and pop music treats women's bodies like trophies or dolls.
It happened because we live in a rape culture. And if you're not actively working to undo that, you're supporting it. And we're all reaping what you sow. Including that 15 year-old girl who's going to have to live with this unspeakably brutal violation for the rest of her life.
Young feminists and feminisms that address or include younger women are, as stated in the blog entry we opened with, everywhere. We could absolutely stand some more, to be sure, but here are a few great places to consistently find a plethora of them:
Know some more? Link us up! A big, bodacious thanks to everyone who submitted for this edition, and if you want to keep track of where the next Feminist Blog Carnival will be visiting town, click here.
(I know, George Michael jokes are probably lost on a lot of you, but I just couldn't help myself.)
We're excited to tell you that we've got a brand spankin' new way for you to get quick answers to your questions even when you're not near a computer. You can now text us! Hooray!
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There is no additional fee for texting us: the cost is the same as whatever it costs you to text anyone else. Your privacy is also completely protected: we can't and won't ever see or get your name or your phone number. Our service will instead assign you a totally random user ID. Your answers will come from one of our staff or volunteers.
Response times may vary, but just like with the message boards many of our users will get answers within less than an hour of asking: some even within minutes. We know sometimes your questions are time-sensitive, so we'll do our best to answer them as fast as we can. Response time may be faster between the hours of 6AM and 11PM PST.
Because as you probably know, young folks use texting a whole heaping lot and it's always been our aim to make sex education and information as accessible as possible. Teens and young adults have enough on their plates already: we want to make getting the important sexuality, sexual health and relationship info and support you (or they, depending on who is reading this) need easy.
Like other services on Scarleteen, we also like that this is something that (save any usual texting charges) is free for our users and which protects and respects your privacy.
According to a 2008 Nielsen study, teenagers between the ages of 13 to 17 “text more than any other demographic group” clocking up an average of 1,742 texts a month. Approximately 79% of all teens have a mobile device – a 36% increase since 2005. CTIA-The Wireless Association® released research in 2008 on cell phone use by teens aged 13-19 in the United States. From 100 questions about cell phones, perceptions, and attitudes, some of the results included that: 57% agree or somewhat agree that the cell phone has improved their quality of life and 18% agree or somewhat agree that the cell phone has positively influenced their education. 35% have used their cell phone to reach out to someone in need. (We really like that one.) The younger the teen, the more likely they are to choose text messaging over talking on the phone. 28% of teens are browsing the web on their cell phones. 66% want cell phones to provide the freedom to get an education from any location on earth.
And we want to help them have just that freedom when it comes to the kinds of sexuality education we provide.
Once more with feeling, to ask Scarleteen a question via text, just text 66746 and start your question with the keyword ASKST. You can even put that number in your phone right this very second so that you have it if and when you or someone else needs it.
P.S. If you have a website that teens or young adults go to and you want to promote this service, feel free to copy the graphic above and use it for your site!
Since 1998, Scarleteen has provided sexuality education to millions of young people online. Since 2006 alone, Scarleteen.com has had over one billion hits and nearly 70 million page loads. Scarleteen created the model for online sex education and began on the internet to meet young people right where they were. It has since provided teens routes to get their questions answered via advice columns, a message board, a blog and numerous static articles and other tools online at Scarleteen.com.
Scarleteen.com is the highest ranking young adult sexuality education website online. We're an independent organization that provides accurate, comprehensive, inclusive and feminist sexuality information, education and support for young people internationally. Scarleteen has been lauded by such organizations as SIECUS, UNICEF, Planned Parenthood, The National Sexuality Resource Center, The Association of Reproductive Health Professionals, Family Health International, the International Association for Adolescent Health and The Boston Women's Health Collective. Scarleteen is an LGBTQ-friendly, pro-choice and pro-youth organization.
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As someone who was all but completely celibate throughout high school and this was not at all by conscious choice, I can tell you that I often found it frustrating to deal with the fact that a lot of teenagers were under- or mis-informed about safer sex, that a lot of teenagers were sexually active, and that a lot of politicians and think tanks believed in stanching teenage sexual activity entirely. I was fourteen when I started listening to Loveline (though I didn't always agree with Dr. Drew) and it began my path of sex-pertise (as it were). I was eager to get informed. I discovered Scarleteen in my junior year of high school and happily perused the site, but at the same time, I'd wonder:
Why am I getting informed about something that's relevant to everyone else but not to me?
After all, a little less than half of 15-19 year olds have had sex at least once. But if you're not among those getting laid...nothing you read here can be relevant to you, right? Wrong.
In my case, my state of celibacy came with a bunch of unhealthy thoughts - what's the matter with me? Am I in a special class of social pariahs? I must be the only one who's more than willing to have sex but still not having it. I mean, throw in the fact that I'm a girl and that gender stereotypes abound, and that it's boys who have the monopoly on sexual desire and my gender was supposed to be the jealously guarded keeper of the keys. Here I was breaking that stereotype, and was it not any boy's dream come true? So why weren't they lining up to get with me? I was especially unattractive. QED.
You might already see something wrong with that line of thought. If not, I'll spell it out.
You're not unattractive. You're not the only one who'd love to be hooking up with someone but you're not. And it's not - I repeat, not - the case that heterosexual girls should automatically have a bevy of potential hookups and if they don't, that something's wrong with them.
This bears repeating. Being sexually active isn't necessarily a mark of being sexually desirable, and nor is being up for hooking up, but potential lovers don't seem or aren't interested, a mark of being sexually undesirable. Besides, chances are, you won't be celibate for the rest of your life. And whether you engage in partnered sex at age 16 or 25 or 60 or heck, never, you'll need to know how to be safe about it.
Not being sexually active does not exclude you from comprehensive sex education. (Know too, that there's more to sexuality than just what you do with others. There's masturbation, values, body image, relationships both romantic and non-romantic.)
This is why I'm not a fan of the line, "Don't have sex but if you must, then know how to use a condom." I realize that it's a logical fallacy but it still feels like there's an implication that if you're not sexually active, then all information is moot, as if the phrase excludes teens who aren't sexually active. I'd like to see that phrase changed to, "Whether you do or don't have sex and whether you start now or later or never, you should not be ignorant about safer sex. This information is crucial no matter what."
I actually believed in abstinence until marriage for a while. But even then - especially then, because my beliefs were intrinsic, and appeals to consequences made it seem like waiting wasn't good simply for its own sake - it rubbed me the wrong way when teachers said, "Don't have sex because that can lead to pregnancy." I mean, let's do a thought experiment where some form of birth control (not abstinence) exists that's 100% effective against both pregnancy and any and all STIs to boot. All bets are off then? All reasons to wait for sex are completely obviated? No? So there are more compelling reasons to wait to have sex than pregnancy or STIs? Then why the fear that learning about safer sex will lead to action? Knowing does not mean doing. Besides, I find that fear is a poor basis for sexual choices all around.
And this brings us full circle. Do not buy into stereotypes. You are not some sort of freak if you haven't slept with someone yet, and you cannot assume that you'll be abstinent forever. Most importantly of all, honest, accurate, unvarnished sexual education does not exclude you.
Abstinence does not mean ignorance.
That's the response to the question "What if I want to have sex before I get married?" in "No Second Chance," a film that is part of Sex Respect, an abstinence-only program. Sex Respect has a host of other special and oh-so-factual messages for you in their student workbook, including such sparkly gems as:
"A young man's natural desire for sex is already strong due to testosterone...females are becoming culturally conditioned to fantasize about sex as well." (p. 11) Did you know that without cultural conditioning, women don't have any desire for sex? Of course you did. Did you know that women don't have any testosterone in our bodies, too? Note: neither of these things are true. But you knew that already.
"A guy who wants to respect girls is distracted by sexy clothes and remembers her for one thing. Is it fair that guys are turned on by their senses and women by their hearts?" (p. 94) So, when it comes to sex, men don't have emotions and women don't have any of our five senses. Fascinating. And no: that's totally not fair, but then gender stereotypes rarely are.
"These are simply natural consequences. For example, if you eat spoiled food, you will get sick. If you jump from a tall building, you will be hurt or killed. If you spend more money than you make, your enslavement to debt affects you and those whom you love. If you have sex outside of marriage, there are consequences for you, your partner and society." (p. 11) Including the not-to-be-missed consequence of having to pay over a billion in U.S. tax dollars to fund stellar education just like this.
But this particular message in the video, that sex (and only sex outside of heterosexual marriage) equals death is a common thread in many, if not most, abstinence-only curricula and programs. I figured it was high time we just unpack it, take a good look at the real deal, and be done with it.
I'm pretty familiar with common causes of death, but I thought I'd channel my inner goth and do some homework on death anyway. I even -- though most of me knew better -- prepared myself to discover that sex INDEED posed far larger risks of death than I thought, and prepared myself to share that information if I discovered it. After all, if I had any agenda or educational model that required my not being truthful about any part of sexuality or sexual health, then as far as I'm concerned, the impetus would be on me not to lie or misrepresent that information but to adjust that agenda or the way I educated. Clearly, this is a way of thinking lost on some folks.
I'm keeping this to the U.S. for a few reasons. One biggie is that if I were to pull international statistics, I'd be including nations where ultimately, very serious lack of access to healthcare or basic, healthy living conditions was often the real cause of death: where what someone died from often would have been preventable with care and a better environment. That's hardly a non-issue here in the States, but it's not the kind of issue it is here as it is in much of Africa or some areas in Asia. I'm also being kind to the ab-onlies in sticking to the U.S. If I included, for instance, HIV-related deaths from the least developed nations, I'd be showing up even more clear evidence than we have in the States that marriage doesn't prevent sexually transmitted infections. "In Rwanda and Zambia, for example, an estimated 55-93% of new infections occur within marriage or in cohabiting relationships." Same goes for deaths for pregnant women. We have to include those if we're addressing death related to sex, but while maternal death rates for the U.S. are high for a developed nation, they're peanuts in comparison to those of third world nations. Conversely, the rate of abortion-related deaths is also far, far higher in areas where abortion is illegal.
Let's go ahead and look at some current death statistics. According to the CDC, in 2006 there were 2,426,264 deaths in the United States. The top 15 leading causes of death, and how many deaths for each of those causes there were, is as follows:
It's perhaps worth noting that in 2006, there were "30,896 gun deaths in the U.S: 12,791 homicides (41% of total deaths), 16,883 suicides (55% of total deaths), 642 unintentional shootings (2% of total deaths), 360 from legal intervention (1.2% of total deaths) and 220 from undetermined intent (.8% of total deaths)." In that same vein, here is a list of U.S. military deaths in Iraq for 2006: there were 920 U.S. Military deaths (during active duty) for 2006, total. If it seems silly to mention such a relatively small number, keep reading.
You'll notice that STIs and pregnancy (including labor/delivery or abortion) aren't on that list at all: they don't even make the top 15, which might be pretty surprising when someone is making it sound like if you have sex (oh, sorry: premarital sex) you're not only going to drop dead, you're going to drag everyone else you know to the grave with you.
Of course, some of the deaths in some of those groups may have been related to sex. For instance, three leading causes of death for pregnant women are heart disease, homicide (often directly related to being pregnant) and vehicular accidents. Septicemia can also occur due to miscarriage. Similarly, those who died from HIV/AIDS may have actually died of pneumonia or influenza. And sometimes people (though not usually people your age) really do have strokes during sex. I should also mention that some of those homicides would have included hate crimes: assaults to those who were of a gender or sexual orientations others didn't like, though that's not really about how sex itself can kill you, but how people who are deeply screwed up about sex, gender and sexuality issues can.
To pick up some of those gaps, "The rate of maternal mortality in the United States declined dramatically over the last century; however, an increase in the rate has become evident in the past several decades. In 2006, the maternal mortality rate was 13.3 deaths per 100,000 live births, compared to a low of 6.6 in 1987. In 2006, there were a total of 569 maternal deaths (those resulting from complications during pregnancy, childbirth, or direct or indirect obstetric causes up to 42 days after delivery or termination of pregnancy)." That rate includes deaths due to abortions, but is mostly deaths due to sustaining a pregnancy or to labor or delivery. The rate of death for abortion overall is far lower than for that of sustained pregnancy: it's "one death for every one million abortions at or before eight weeks to one per 29,000 at 16–20 weeks—and one per 11,000 at 21 or more weeks." And only 1.4% of abortions in the U.S. occur after 21 weeks, the majority of which are performed due to serious complications of pregnancy which can include serious health risks for those pregnant women.
In 2006, the estimated number of deaths of persons due to HIV/AIDS in the United States and dependent areas was 12,113. In other words, while most deaths due to HIV/AIDS are included in the death statistics for other direct causes, this is exactly how many HIV/AIDS-related deaths we had in 2006. Sparing any deaths from cervical cancer related to HPV, and Hepatitis-related deaths (which often is acquired nonsexually), most other STIs do not result in death at all, let alone make the grade for leading causes of death.
This article (Sexually Transmitted Infections 2005;81:38-40) lists deaths directly related to sex, though for 1998, not 2006. That's important because some of these rates are different than they are now: for instance, our maternal death rate has increased and our HIV-related death rate has decreased by nearly half). Would that we had the same study for 2006, but this is the only thing like this I can find anywhere:
As part of an analysis of the burden of disease and injury in the United States, we identified and quantified the incidence of adverse health events, deaths, and disability adjusted life years (DALY) attributed to sexual behaviour. In 1998... 29,782 such deaths (1.3% of all US deaths) occurred... Viral infections and their sequelae accounted for nearly all sexual behaviour related deaths—mostly HIV/AIDS.
The table of data for that piece shows the vast majority of those deaths were HIV-related (22,455), and again, that's almost twice the rate of HIV-related deaths as we see in the states currently, primarily due to advances in HIV medical care and treatment. The next highest group was cervical cancer likely due to HPV (4,921) -- which would be included in the total rate for all cancers -- and the next rung was from Hepatitis B and C, which may or may not even have been acquired sexually. The same is likely true for some (but not the majority) of those HIV/AIDS deaths; a minority of those cases may have been due to IV-drug use, for instance. This data apparently also only included deaths related to unwanted, not wanted, pregnancy. That leaves only 414 deaths from other STIs or from unwanted pregnancy death outcomes.
Now that we've got all that sorted: by all means, having sex can result in some health issues or conditions (and some of them certainly are or can become serious) and can be related directly to a death. Comprehensive sex educators and organizations like Scarleteen want you to know that, it's something we mention (and always have) when it's relevant, and we want you to know how -- which is why we do that funny thing where we tell you how -- you can protect yourself as best you can from death and other unwanted health outcomes from sex, either by abstaining from partnered sex or by utilizing safer sex practices if and when you choose to engage in partnered sex (whether you're married or not). In other words, someone saying sex could result in death isn't lying. It can.
But. You are much less likely to die from sex than you are from a whole host of other behaviours or circumstances, some of which the same folks would not warn you about with anything close to the same urgency or intensity. I just don't see driver's ed teachers telling you that if you get in a car at all, you need to be "prepared to die," even though more people die in car accidents than those who die as a result of having any kind of sex. (I also don't imagine they say that wearing a seatbelt when you are in a car is playing "Russian roulette.") I don't see them telling that to a class about enlisting in the military. I don't see them saying that to nearly everyone eating things in the lunchroom every day which could put them at risk for the most common cause of death. "Time for lunch, everyone! Prepare to die!"
Anyone who is stating or making it sound like sex or premarital sex is something more likely to kill you than anything else is being baldly dishonest. Whether you have sex with a partner in or out of marriage, with a partner of any given gender, at any given age and even IF (though we don't advise it) you take risks with your health and don't have sex safely, it is not, by any stretch, highly likely to kill you, and you do NOT have to "be prepared to die" if you choose to be sexually active. Not any more than you need to be prepared to die because we're all going to freaking die at some point no matter what we do, anyway.
And unless the same people telling you that if you have sex YOU WILL DIE are also telling you, with the same hysteria, force and fury that YOU WILL DIE if:
...then those folks are being particularly dishonest, especially if they're telling you that they're trying to scare the crap out of you expressly out of concern for your health, rather than because they want you to conform to their own personal set of values. Because doing any or all of the things in that list are directly related to or causes of the ACTUAL leading causes of death: the real ways you are most likely to die.
Since you're here at Scarleteen, I know I don't have to tell you that if you're going to have sex with other people, we think it's a wise idea to have sex safely and responsibly (in ways which have been soundly and scientifically proven, over time, to protect your life and health, something public health agencies all agree on). I know I don't have to tell you that if you and/or any partner aren't ready to do that, we think it's a good idea to put sex on hold until you are all ready, willing and able to have sex safely and responsibly. Not just until you're married, if marriage is even an option for you or something you want to do at all. One of the reasons we think that is because some kinds of sex (most primarily vaginal or anal intercourse) sometimes can pose a risk of death, and another, the more pressing, is because far more often, some kinds of sex can pose risks to your health and the quality of your life.
But we also think that just like you choose to go ahead and drive in that car even though it's one of the most common causes of death; just like you choose to leave your home at any time even though it may expose you to things like flu viruses or people who might shoot you, that you're capable of -- and absolutely entitled to -- making choices about what possible risks in your life you want to take for the possible benefits those same actions or behaviors might offer. Because that's simply a part of living your life, the life that, by virtue of merely being alive, is going to kill you some day whether you have sex or not.
P.S. Happy Halloween!
I am halfway through my exchange semester in the US, and enjoying all of the opportunities that an American college campus affords me. This past week, my campus put on an event called “Sexploration Week”. Run by the university's health center, this meant info-stands with free condoms, rapid-result , anonymous HIV testing, and several presentations by guest speakers. As both a curious college student and someone who is interested in the field of sex education, I was very excited about the event. And so, in the middle of midterm-week-insanity, I managed to attend a presentation by the company Pure Romance, and a live Q&A session with sex advice columnist Dan Savage.
Because of what I do at Scarleteen, I am always interested in seeing what kind of information teens and young adults are exposed to and how it is delivered. So while I was curious to learn some new things myself, I also felt a little like an under-cover agent, assessing the information that was given and how it was presented.
My first stop on Tuesday was presentation by Pure Romance Inc, a company that sells 'intimacy enhancing products' to women via Pure Romance parties. It was advertised on the schedule as “The Naked Truth” and I went into it not knowing what to expect. To be honest, I was a little surprised at what it turned out to be. My first introduction to the topic was by way of a product catalogue that I received upon entering the lecture hall. On the cover, five women in pink outfits were holding up a box with a pink bow and a little heart on it (the company logo), ecstatic looks on their faces. Though the women depicted are racially diverse, they are all conventionally pretty, and those whose hands we can see are sporting wedding bands. This cover gave me the sense that the products are intended for married women in their 30s, rather than college students with a wide variety of sexual orientations.
The rest of the catalogue only serves to reinforce that impression. First of all, though some of the products are advertised as uni-sex, everything is overwhelmingly pink (because, you know, it's every woman's favourite color!). Secondly, many of the product descriptions are heterosexist and based on gender stereotypes. For example on page ten, in the section entitled 'Foreplay', a pink info box tells us that “women are like Crock-Pots and men are like microwaves: It takes us a little longer to get warmed up!”. A few pages later, 'arousal creams' are advertised with the headline “Because he's ready, you're not. Now you are!” - this not only assumes that it's the woman who isn't in the mood, it also advocates using products to jump-start, rather than skipping sex for the night or talking about why you're not in the mood. It only gets worse on the next page, entitled 'Performance Enhancers'. Here we find a cream called 'Great Head' that relaxes the gag-reflex for when “oral favors feel like all labor, no love”, a numbing cream (not that they come right out and call it that, or anything) for “those who experience premature ejaculation” and my personal favourite, 'Like a Virgin', a tightening cream that will make it “feel[s] like the first time”.
Now, to the credit of the presenter, the presentation itself wasn't nearly as bad as the catalogue. The information she gave was factually correct, and in many instances she supplemented the catalogue's description to make it more inclusive. For example, in her description of 'arousal creams', she emphasized that hormonal birth control can often lower libido, as can stress and certain other medications. She also advertised lubricant-use and explained which types are condom-safe, and also dispelled the myth that if you 'need' extra lubricant, it means that there is something wrong with you. She also tried to be inclusive of same-sex partners.
On the whole, I feel like an honest effort was made to be inclusive and arm the students with honest information. Also, the entire Sexploration week with all of its different presentations was funded in part by the company, so they helped to get a lot of opportunities for education to the students in ways that might otherwise not have been possible. But the catalogue did leave a bitter taste in my mouth, and I hope that the other students who attended the presentation did not look at it too closely.
On Thursday, I found myself in IU's Alumni Hall for the Question and Answer session with syndicated sex-columnist Dan Savage. He stepped on the stage and was greeted with a standing ovation even before he had had the chance to say anything at all. He started the evening by telling us that he often gets slammed by the media for coming to campuses “with an agenda”. So to circumvent that criticism, he came with nothing at all prepared and will only answer our questions. That way, no one can accuse him of having an agenda. His next order of business was to take a poll of the sexual orientations represented in the audience. A fairly large number of people identified as homosexual or bisexual, and though many of the questions were from heterosexuals, as well, Dan often addressed the queer community specifically, and it was an incredibly empowering experience to sit in a room full of fellow non-straight people and listen to a non-straight person talk about sex.
After those preliminaries, he went right to the first question. Now, I have to admit that I went to this event with mixed feelings. While I think that, over all, Dan Savage gives awesome advice and that it's great to have someone like him be in the position that he is in, I do sometimes cringe at some of the advice that he gives. And so, because I did end up leaving the room feeling giddy and empowered, I want to get the negative bit out of the way first and end this blog on a positive note. To the question “Is it weird to still be a virgin in your 20s?” Dan answered with yes. He then qualified his response by stating that most people become sexually active at 15 or 16, but from there proceeded to talk about how waiting longer to have sex may make someone more prone to sexual dysfunction.
His advice was “Get out there, get drunk, and get it." He added “You don't want to get really shitfaced and accidentally rape someone, or get really shitfaced and be accidentally raped, but anyone who says that there can be no consent when alcohol is involved is lying."
Aside from the assumption that there is a common definition of virginity that we were all operating with (which struck me as particularly odd coming from someone who is gay) and the somewhat iffy thesis that waiting to have sex, for whatever reason, leads to sexual dysfunction (I'd love it if he could show me some research on that), I was uncomfortable with his advice for several reasons. For one thing, it's rarely a good idea to have sex before you are ready, and going out with the intention to get drunk and get laid just to get it over with is just not something that's likely to be very healthy or pleasurable. Furthermore, and ignoring his glib and somewhat hurtful comments about rape, many states have laws, and many colleges have policies, stating that someone who is intoxicated cannot give consent.
So on the whole, Dan, your advice there was pretty crap.
As the evening progressed, he went on to give more thoughtful responses. Asked about the recent addition of sexual orientation to the hate crime legislation, he stated that “this does not create a protective force field. You can still punch me in the face." But while hate crime legislation does not prevent hate crime, it is a positive step to see sexual orientation included in the law. He also commented on the hysteria about sexting, pointing out how ridiculous it is that a 15 year old girl could get in trouble for sending pictures of her own breasts to her 15 year old boyfriend. He jokingly suggested that we should all take nude pictures of ourselves and post them on the internet, so that it stops being such a big deal.
Dan also spent a lot of time talking about forced or assumed monogamy. “This is a dangerous thing to say for a gay male and father of a child," he told us, “but I am in an open relationship." Having a conversation about whether or not one wants to be monogamous, and figuring out the right arrangement for you and your partner specifically, be that open or closed, can drastically reduce the occurrence of cheating.
Another topic he spent a lot of time on was that of communication. “Gay people are better at sex”, he postulated. Not just because they have more of it, but because he feels gay people have a very different approach to sex and to communicating about sex. For heterosexuals, a lot of things are mutually assumed about sex, so it is not talked about. For gay people, there can be no assumptions and everything needs to be discussed beforehand. “With straight people, if they they both want to have sex, there's where the conversations ends. With gay people, that's just the beginning."
Dan ended his talk with a story about a horse. 16 years ago, he had written a column about whether bestiality was right or wrong, and come to the conclusion that it was wrong, as an animal cannot give consent. He received an angry letter from a man in Kentucky, who was married to a horse. Since Dan was also doing a radio show at the time, and this seemed like an interesting conversation, he invited the man to call into the radio show and talk about his marriage. He explained that he knew his horse was consenting since, if you're standing behind a horse and doing something doesn't like, you're going to get kicked in the face. They talked amicably for an hour, and at the very end, it occurred to Dan that he had never asked if it was a girl horse or a boy horse. So while the producer was already waving frantically to indicate the end of the show, Dan called out his last question. He was greeted with silence, and, he said, “you could literally hear him drawing himself up and after a pause he finally spat out 'I am NOT homosexual!' as if the worst thing you could imply about this man's marriage to a horse was that it was with a boy horse.”
Yesterday's article in the Indiana Daily Student claimed that many had left the auditorium appalled. I had noticed some commotion at some points during the talk, of people getting up and leaving, but I did not hear any particularly negative comments as I was leaving at the end. To be perfectly honest, I can see where people might not be too happy with Dan Savage. Even someone queer-friendly and sex-positive might easily get offended at his frequent use of graphic language or, like me, feel uncomfortable at his glib dismissals of rape. But on the whole, I feel that the good that he does outweighs any thoughtless comments he made. As he pointed out, “America is so puritanical that we are seen as freaky-deaky and kinky. But you know? It's not all bad. It's fun being freaky-deaky!” And that is why I enjoyed listening to Dan Savage. Not because of his advice, but because of the simple and all-too-rare pleasure of being able to hang out with a bunch of queer people and talk about sex.
Good news from the White House! President Obama announced today that the US will overturn its current law banning HIV-positive individuals from entering the United States as tourists or immigrants. He explained that lifting the ban will help end stigma against people with HIV/AIDS; in fact, the ban itself has kept many people from getting tested and, therefore, could even be said to increase the spread of the disease.
Put into place by the Department of Health and Human Services, the initial ban went into effect back in 1987, "at a time of widespread fear and ignorance about the disease." However, while education and awareness have increased over the years, it has taken 22 years to change it. That's a long time for the families kept many families apart and "thousands of students, tourists and refugees", not to mention children up for adoption, who have been kept out for their HIV status alone. As an American with many international friends and who is committed to the idea of the US being a welcoming, diverse place to visit or to live for everyone, I have been very disturbed by the increasing amount of hurdles for those wishing to visit, study or emigrate to the United States. I find this to be great news for everyone, not just those living with HIV/AIDS and their loved ones, and hope the change occurs swiftly and smoothly.
Other countries that currently have such bans include Armenia, Brunei, Iraq, Libya, Moldova, Oman, Qatar, Russia, Saudi Arabia, South Korea, and Sudan.
SOURCE: This blog entry was based on the article HIV Travel Ban Lifted by President Obama available at the Huffington Post.
For more information on HIV and AIDS from Scarleteen, we recommend the following articles:
Positively Informed: An HIV/AIDS Roundup
The STI Files: Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV)
World AIDS Day (2001)
Scarleteen volunteer and blogger, Lena, was previously known as Femke here at the blog.
Are you in an interracial relationship? Do you have the hots for someone of another race? Attraction is all well and good until someone gets targeted for their race. Here’s the scoop: attraction is different than fetishism. People can have fetishes about all kinds of objects and acts, which can be part of a normal, healthy sexuality. Fetishes about people—particularly about specific races—are more complex than having a fetish about feet or breastfeeding, for example. Let me give my distinction between attraction to those of a certain race and fetish. Attraction is finding a person beautiful or sexy, part of which may be their race. A fetish is finding an object (or a huge, diverse category that someone perceives as an object, like say, race for example) sexy. The key here is looking at the whole person, not how their racialized characteristics fit into your preconceived expectations of them, and seeing that person as a person, not as an object.
Another distinction is that fetishes are associated directly with sex and sexual desire, and attraction does or doesn't have to progress to sexual desire. So a good rule of thumb is that if you see someone of a particular race that you’re attracted to and immediately think about sex, you should stop and try to take apart what’s going on. Why do you find this person attractive? What leads you to think about sex? If ‘race’ is a big answer to both of those questions, you probably want to pursue this and figure out what it is you’re really looking for in a relationship or sexual partner.
Why are racial fetishes damaging? Because when someone with a racial fetish has sex with a person of color, they may be thinking of their partner in terms of their race alone--a degrading essentialization--and they also often attach racial stereotypes to that essentialization. Some examples are: "Black men are sexually insatiable" or "Asian women are naughty school girls." Clearly, if someone holds one of these stereotypes and this is all they see in their sexual partner(s), this is problematic.
However, fetishes usually hide themselves in more subtle disguises. Simply thinking that your partner, who is a person of color (POC), is exotic can be negative as well. The history of labeling POC, particularly women of color, as ‘exotic’ has been a painful and racist one. For example, part of dehumanizing the native Hawaiians so that their land could be stolen by white colonizers was proving that they were ‘uncivilized.’ Painting a picture of the Hawaiians as naked, sexually promiscuous, exotic creatures was one of multiple ways of proving that, deep down, they were just savage barbarians who needed outside help. Clearly this was far from the truth; the native Hawaiians had a rich, developed civilization, despite not resembling white European civilization. This rationalization also gave white colonizers what they saw as the prerogative to sexually exploit and rape native women. Today, calling someone exotic may seem like a positive thing on the surface, but underneath it has the effect of making POC the ‘other’, and placing them in an inferior position on the racial hierarchy.
I'm not saying you shouldn't engage in any sort of racialized play or fantasy, just that this should never happen without consent from your partner(s), particularly your partner(s) of color. Getting consent from them ideally involves having intensive, difficult conversations over the course of the relationship about how you feel in the proposed situations. It should go without saying that if anyone doesn’t feel comfortable with a particular act, scene, or dynamic, it should be called off (indefinitely, or until they take the initiative to propose it again).
The reason that this whole topic is so sticky is that it forces us to think about the racial hierarchy we’re all a part of (whether we choose to be or not) in and outside of the bedroom or wherever else it is that you have sex. Not every interracial relationship is the same because our identities are made up of so much more than race (such as gender, sexual orientation, class, etc.). All of these factors contribute to making each relationship incredibly complex. We can’t use one measuring stick for all relationships. Try talking to your partner(s) about race even if you don’t think you’re having problems. A good exercise would be to read this together and take the discussion from there. If you have questions about your particular situation, feel free to use the comments section or start a thread on our discussion boards.
Four years ago, Joseph Rocha was a committed and ambitious 18-year-old Navy recruit sure of two things: his love for his country and the corresponding desire to serve it in the Armed Forces, as well as his sexual orientation as a gay man. Unfortunately, the latter was very much in conflict with the former. Indeed, while sexual orientation need not be an issue for military personnel as there's truly no connection between one's ability to serve in the military and one's sexual orientation, it presents a daily struggle for many of the LGBT people serving in Army, Navy, and Marines, all (no) thanks to the antiquated and always-displaced "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy on sexual orientation.
For laypeople, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" means that while queer servicemembers who come out must be discharged from military duty, those who keep their sexual orientation private are welcome to serve. However, while keeping mum may mean keeping your job, remaining silent about one's sexual orientation does not make one immune to abuse by comrades and superiors, as evidenced by the great travesties Joseph experienced while serving in Bahrain. In his own words, "The irony of 'don't ask, don't tell' is that it protects bigots and punishes gays who comply." Additionally, LGBT servicemembers are not the only victims to this policy which is also used by chiefs to silence heterosexual servicewomen into not reporting rape and other sexual assault committed by male members of their units.
While Joseph Rocha's physical assignment was 28 months of duty working in a specialized canine unit trained to search for explosives and respond to threats. However, it was not working the long hours under harsh conditions that was so tricky as he loved his actual job; it was the "shop talk" as well as off-duty behaviors that make his life hell. By refusing to partake in group trips to prostitutes or even talk about sex, Joseph was deemed homosexual by default, which, therefore, made many of his fellow soldiers feel they had the "right" to abuse him while higher-ups looked on or even encouraged the behavior. Examples of the abuse included was was not limited to being forced to simulate oral sex on a comrade and being locked into a feces-filled dog kennel; he was being "punished" for his unwillingness to come out just because he just wanted to defend his country just as much if not more than these comrades.
However, for all the perpetrators and silent onlookers, not everyone turned a blind eye to the abuse; a new sailor reported what was going on yet his unit merely received a slap on the wrist and his chief even got promoted. Instead, a dear friend and supporter of his who was second in command was unfairly charged; that young female officer and mentor of his eventually killed herself out of desperation, making it seem that there was truly no safe way out of the cruelty and injustices committed by their own countrymen. (I'd say countrywomen, too, but while female soldiers may have gotten charged, it is my understanding that it was mostly or even entirely men committing these particular crimes.) Before taking her life, that officer gave Joseph a great gift that he considered "his dream come true," admission to a Naval Academy prep school that would guarantee a commission at Annapolis. However, worn down after the extended nightmare of abuse, his dream of becoming a Naval officer become too much to bear; Joseph came out and resigned from military service. Currently, a Youth Radio investigation of the abuses prompted the chief of naval investigations to review the case, something that Joseph hopes will reopen the case and hold top leadership accountable for what happened.
I find it disturbing that President Obama seeks to continue the war in Afghanistan when the toll on both Afghani citizens and US soldiers is devastating and only continues to grow. How ironic is this push when the majority of Americans and even his own party members now no longer support the war? I find it even more disheartening that President Obama continues to support institutionalized discrimination and, indirectly, even the abuse of LGBT soldiers displayed by Joseph Rocha's situation by not ending "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." I am not completely a pacifist but believe the US should end it's military presence in Afghanistan as well as put an end to the injustice committed against queer American servicemembers through "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." We shouldn't need stories like Joseph's to push us in that direction but once out, I believe we absolutely can no longer claim ignorance but rather demand action.
For more information, please check out the following:
'I Didn't Tell. It Didn't Matter.' Trying to serve his country, a young man faced bigotry and abuse
The Washington Post article by Joseph himself; the basis for this blog entry.
Sailor's Abuse Investigation Hub
The Youth Radio investigation's hub.
Navy Abuse Survivor Joseph Rocha Has a New Pal, Rep. Joe Sestak, and He Wants Answers
A Queerty.com citing the added support of Rep. Joe Sestak, a former admiral who seeks to support Joseph and other LGBT servicemembers.
Navy Launches Investigation on Joseph Rocha DADT Case
A related article from Care2.com, which also includes a video interview with Joseph and link to a petition supporting the Military Readiness Act that would allow queer soldiers to serve openly.
Activism 101
Scarleteen's article on getting started as an activist for the causes closest to your heart.
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