Boundaries

Questions and discussion about your sexual lives, choices, activities, ideas and experiences.
al
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Boundaries

Unread postby al » Sun Apr 14, 2019 9:27 pm

When's the last time that you communicated a boundary that had to do with bodies, sex, or sexuality to someone, and how did you do it?

For me, I told someone that certain sexual positions are associated with bad memories for me, and I only really realized it in the middle of trying something in that position, so when I felt upset we were able to stop and talk through what was coming up for me and how we could prevent that in the future. And then we modified things and kept going!
Nothing happens in contradiction to nature, only in contradiction to what we know of it. -Special Agent Dana Katherine Scully

Mo
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Re: Boundaries

Unread postby Mo » Tue Apr 16, 2019 4:44 pm

The last time I was working out boundaries with a partner, it was when I'd asked to try something new to both of us and wanted to be able to know exactly when it was going to happen, direct the action, stop when needed, etc. I was able to ask for these really specific things, and be clear that there were things I definitely did not want to try, because I really trusted this partner.
And he, in turn, wound up telling me that some of what I wanted wasn't in his comfort zone; we tried it once and it was good but I think with some reflection he decided it wasn't something he wanted to continue. I'm glad he felt like he could tell me that, since obviously I wouldn't want to continue doing things he wasn't excited about.

al
scarleteen staff/volunteer
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My Awesomeness Quotient: I make great guacamole!
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Re: Boundaries

Unread postby al » Tue Apr 16, 2019 7:25 pm

I love that your partner's comfort level is something that you specifically brought up, because that situation in which the partner isn't comfortable with a new activity is one that I don't hear about often. We talk a lot about how we can ask for what we want in a relationship, but not as much about what happens/what it feels like if the other person doesn't want to participate. I imagine that could be a little disappointing for both people - any tips on dealing with those feelings?
Nothing happens in contradiction to nature, only in contradiction to what we know of it. -Special Agent Dana Katherine Scully

Lostand_found
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Re: Boundaries

Unread postby Lostand_found » Wed Apr 17, 2019 12:07 pm

i'd imagine that acknowledging that you're both human and allowed to have feelings. To let yourself experience the feelings and talk about them with each other if you're both comfortable. Maybe laying down or doing something that is comfortable for you both. Those are some ideas I have that would help the disappointment or feelings after one is not feeling up to what you were enjoying or in any situation where you have to deal with difficult feelings or disagreements.

bikinksterboy
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Re: Boundaries

Unread postby bikinksterboy » Wed Apr 17, 2019 2:38 pm

the last time I remember recently communicating, or more accurately reaffirming a boundary was in a role-play I did recently (since my partner and I are long distance and we can't really meet up any time soon, we often do sexual rp in text). it got very kinky, and my partner, in the dominant role, got a little too close for comfort with some of the language being used, and I told them out of character that it was bordering on some of my limits about degradation in kink scenes, and they respected that. after some time to cool down and talk it out a little, they rewrote the dialogue in question that I felt was crossing a line and we continued on from there
“I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil.”


― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King

bikinksterboy
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Re: Boundaries

Unread postby bikinksterboy » Wed Apr 17, 2019 2:46 pm

the way I described it was slightly less declarative, because it can be hard to make definitive statements about feelings for me, but I tried to both keep it open while still making it clear what I felt: "this is getting a little intense. we're bordering on some boundaries here. Specifically 'X', that feels like it's crossing a line for me about humiliation/degradation". I'm loosely paraphrasing, but that's roughly how it went (we have established a safe word but as of yet I haven't used it)
“I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil.”


― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King

Mo
scarleteen staff/volunteer
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Joined: Thu Jul 31, 2014 2:57 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: I'm always wearing seriously fancy nail polish.
My primary language: English
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My sexual identity and orientation: queer/bisexual

Re: Boundaries

Unread postby Mo » Fri Apr 19, 2019 3:30 pm

There was some disappointment when my partner wasn't super excited about the thing I was excited about, but I was glad he'd felt comfortable telling me, and I felt like it was pretty easy to get past the disapppointment by focusing on things that we know we both enjoy. If this had been a situation where I felt like I needed something specific to enjoy sex and he wasn't willing or able to provide that, it would have been a lot more stressful, but in this case I was able to redirect my attention to other things pretty quickly and that helped. Plus I think the fact that he didn't shame me or make me feel weird for asking for something I was nervous about in the first place really helped to put me at ease and not feel judged or self-conscious.


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