Was I sexually Harassed?

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TwinCranberry
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Was I sexually Harassed?

Unread postby TwinCranberry » Sun Mar 17, 2019 1:34 am

[*Sorry for the long post! I like to give detail and background for more clarification]

My boyfriend and I started dating about 10 months ago. Our relationship was very loving and forgiving. I recently asked him if he only started dating me because I was depressed or he is only dating me now and won't break up with me because I was depressed. He told me he just didn't feel feelings anymore. This killed me because I actually started to really love him and get close (it is very hard for me to feel and accept love from someone for other reasons). He said he would decide by the end of the week whether or not he would break up with me. I asked him how long ago he lost feeling and he said about 5 weeks ago. He made me promise not to do anything depressive (like cutting or suicide) if he did break up with me. He contacted all of my friends and parents to keep an eye on me and make sure I was okay. - which shows he really does care about me -

After looking this over I realized that 5 weeks ago until the current was when we (in chronological order):

- We were hanging out and I was really horny since I was ovulating. Like always we make out but this time he put his hand down my pants and I pulled away and quietly said "stop". He didn't but I shoved it off because I said it quietly. He started to pull my pants down and I grabbed them because I wasn't exactly sure what he was doing. He pushed his fingers into me (not forcefully but not as "is it okay if I do this?" kind of push....if that makes sense). At first it kinda hurt and I said "ow" but he kept going. I was fine with it because it felt good. He then pressured me into giving him a blowjob because he just made it into State Championships for wrestling and he just did something for me. I said no but he kinda ignored that and just kept persisting saying "please, please" "I worked so hard to get into state" "I just fingered you" etc. (He knows very well that I'm a people pleasure and would do anything with pleading) I felt like I had no other choice but to give him a blowjob, so I did. I didn't finish because I wasn't comfortable with it and he respected that.
The next day I realized, according to my beliefs, that I technically wasn't a virgin anymore. So I was freaking out. I asked if he did it out of love and he told me that "yes, of course. I wouldn't do that if I didn't love you".
But he said that he lost feelings 5 weeks ago, and this was in that time. So was he was lying?
- I noticed that after that our relationship kinda died down so I decided that a nice game would be fun and bring our relationship back. But instead of just playing the game he insisted that we should make it strip game and whoever lost had to give the other head/fingering. I said I wasn't that comfortable with it, but I felt bad (again I'm a people pleasure) so I said I would just do the strip part. He wanted to play Foosball (at the time didn't realize that he picked this for a reason). Which he is a lot better than me, so by the end I was completely naked while he only lost a sock. He then was very happy because he said that I have to give him head now. I said "no, I don't feel comfortable with that" He respected it....but asked again every 15 or so minutes. I kept responding with "no" and kinda, I guess, he gave up and left soon after.
- We were cuddling on my couch watching TV when he put his hands down my pants and started to finger me which was painful because I wasn't wet at all. He kept fingering me and I kept saying "ow that hurts, stop" He stopped for a while but then went back to it. I aggressively pushed his hand away and said stop he apologized and said he wasn't thinking.
- We were making out and he pulled my pants down and again fingered me, which this time I was a lot more comfortable with. When I was done we went back to making out and he took my hand and put it to his penis. I wasn't comfortable with this so I took my hand away. He kept doing it so I pulled away and told him I didn't feel comfortable. So we stopped
We cuddled for a bit before he went to touching me. I was fine with him touching because that's been going on for a while and I sort of liked having his hand on my boob (is this weird?) He then started kissing my neck which is a strong turn on for me. We made out again, but this time he pulled out his penis and put my hand on it. I decided I would do what he wanted (because he was basically pleading with actions rather than words). I was giving him a hand job when his hand pushed my face towards his penis and I tried to pull away but I couldn't (he is very strong, hence him getting into state for wrestling) so I stopped my hand job and he stopped pushing and pleaded "No don't stop, keep going, please" So I kept going. He pushed my head again and I persistently said no every time he stopped, but then did it again. He ejaculated shortly after and then told me I could go home now. I had to be somewhere at 8 pm and I said I could stay until quarter before 8 since I lived near him. I felt kinda hurt when he said this but brushed it off.

[*Also, during these weeks he wasn't apologizing like crazy, like he normally would]

So after our discussion I realized that some were more forced than me deciding. (the ways I told these stories was after I did some reflecting on how I actually felt rather than just doing it for "love".

[*Sorry about all the questions]

Was this assault because it was just me giving into pressure?
Was this assault because he never actually forced me to do something?
If it was assault should I tell his parents? Should I tell mine? Should I be mad, is it okay to not be mad? How do I act when I see him? What do I do with is stuff?
Did he use me? Did he only continue dating me because he knew if he persisted I would give in?

Sorry that this was a long post. I hope it all made sense, if there is anything that needs to be more clarified or just was confusing please do ask. I want the story to be clear and to get the best advice.

Alice M.
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Re: Was I sexually Harassed?

Unread postby Alice M. » Sun Mar 17, 2019 9:36 am

Hi TwinCranberry and welcome to Scarleteen. I'm glad you're here. No need to apologize for asking questions -- that is literally why we are here.

First I would like to ask you a question: what is your ongoing relationship with him now? From what you've told us, he does not sound like a safe or comfortable person for you to be around and first and foremost, we want you to be safe.

Continuing on when you say no (no matter how quiet) is abuse. Stopping only temporarily when you say no and starting again, repeatedly, without consent is also assault. Pleading, coercing and trying to convince someone to have sex with you repeatedly can be abusive. If the answer becomes yes only because you've been worn down from repeated asking and pressure, does that feel like genuine, enthusiastic consent?

Enthusiastic consent is not the absence of no. Rather, it's the yes, absolutely yes, I would love to do that.

You asked if enjoying his hand on your breast is weird: no, definitely not weird. Different parts of our bodies can feel good when touched in different ways.

To answer your specific questions:

Was this assault because it was just me giving into pressure?
Do you feel like you gave into pressure? "Giving in" is not consent.

Was this assault because he never actually forced me to do something?
There are many ways that people can use force, control or power. It isn't always physical force. It sounds like he kept going when you wanted him to stop and you asked him to stop, and that is assault.

If it was assault should I tell his parents? Should I tell mine? Should I be mad, is it okay to not be mad? How do I act when I see him? What do I do with is stuff?
This is where you get to do whatever you want. If you feel comfortable reaching out to a trusted adult and telling them about any of this, that's your call and that could be immensely helpful. Is there anyone in your life you'd like to tell?
It is 100% okay to be mad (or sad, or disgusted, or confused...) and it's also okay to not be mad, or to not feel much of anything. Your feelings are likely going to shift and change over time, so if you can secure someone to talk to (if you have access to therapy, that could be helpful) that may help a lot.

As for how to act around him: preferably, you don't need to be around him. Particularly not alone.

Did he use me? Did he only continue dating me because he knew if he persisted I would give in?
I'm not him, so I can't answer that. It's entirely possible from my perspective that this could be the case. Regardless, this does not sound like a healthy or safe relationship.

That was a lot for you to digest, please let me know how you feel reading my answers and if there's anything specific we can go into more detail about -- or if there's absolutely anything else you want to add or ask.

If you'd like to read more about assault and what all these words mean, I recommend starting here:
Blinders Off: Getting a Good Look at Abuse and Assault


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