I’m 13 and female, and I’m usually fine with she/her pronouns, but sometimes I just don’t feel like I’m in the right body, and not even just gender wise. Some times I feel like I need a different face, or height, birthmarks, and sometimes I feel weird at the fact I have a body at all. Sometimes I do feel male-ish or non-binary, but when I think about identifying as gender fluid I feel fearful to just, uncaring (I think it’s also good to mention that I never picture myself as anything other then female in sexual/romantic contexts).
It’s weird, because those memes about wanting to be an “eldrictch” creature as a way of expressing being unsatisfied with your body really connect with me in a literal sense, sometimes, too. This also, I think, goes along with my strange desire for people to fear me. I have a friend who sometimes says I scare her, jokingly of course, and I always feel really happy at that. I’ve also wanted to hurt people, but all of these are fleeting thoughts that I know not to act on. When I’m more myself, I know these feelings of anger are shameful and I truly want to help people. However, the longing for a different body stays, and I have looked at getting those realistic vampire teeth and/or colored contacts. Even when I feel pride in my body in feels like I’m just wearing it. I know it sounds like I’m and edgy teenager on the cusp of a goth phase, but I really do feel a disconnect from my body and occasionally the physical, even other people’s bodies. Sometimes I feel like my friends must be just wearing their bodies too. What’s happening? (Sorry this was lengthy)