I see that you have left a couple posts while I stepped away. I had a meeting, and then I have been taking a considerable amount of time to try and respond to all of this well, which is complicated and which I'm finding to be really challenging and difficult. I hope you'll know I'm trying very hard to do my best, but I also recognize that my best just might not be good enough or even totally possible in this situation.
and like with all i told you, like why shouldnt i tell the police like of his sexual assaults. they werent ill mannered ke violent but still uk
Real talk, here. Honestly, I feel like this post from you truly may tell us -- us here at Scarleten, but also maybe you -- all we need to know.
We have suggested several times now that this relationship is not healthy (nor either of you), may not be safe (also for either of you), and at the very least, seems super toxic (for both of you). I have said that it sounds like you both behave sometimes like people who don't even like one another that much. We have suggested more than once that getting out of this relationship seems like the best thing you could do.
Never once have you suggested -- even when we have checked in about it -- that you don't feel safe with this person. You consistently have argued that you absolutely want to stay with them, and will not even talk about how to try and change things for the better a lot if the time because you just want to focus on if this relationship can continue without a breakup.
And yet, here you are asking if you should report your boyfriend to the police for sexual assault.Why would you do that?
You make it very clear you feel safe with him, including that you wantingly and willingly choose to go and be with him all the time, including choosing to initiate being sexual with him on the regular. You say over and over that you don't want to break up and how much you want to be with him. You tell us often, when we try and talk with you about abuse concerns, after you post things that cause that kind of concern, that anything that isn't good is in the past. I also have yet to see you actually post anything about his behavior that seems like it actually describes sexual assault, but now you are saying, it seems, he has assaulted you more than once. The couple times it has seemed like assault may have happened, you've either added details that make it seem clear that it didn't, or have yourself denied that something was assault.
With all your post history in front of me, and everything I can glean from it, there are only two likely reasons I can see you calling the police on your boyfriend, if this is even an earnest thing you are considering in the first place. It may well be that this or even many of your posts have been about you trolling us, that's one possibility. But assuming that isn't what's happening here (and I hope it isn't), I see two likely options:
1) You are wanting to report him as a way to engage in a kind of harassment or abuse of your own of your boyfriend. If you don't feel unsafe with this person and you want to be with them, and you aren't only staying with them because you are afraid for your safety to leave -- something I've never heard you suggest even once -- I can only see calling the police and reporting them for assault as a way to try and punish or control or otherwise abuse this person. If this is the case, this is all pretty much in like with my sense of this whole relationship, which is that it's no good for anyone, and that you BOTH engage in a lot of toxic and at least emotionally abusive behaviour with each other.
2) Or, because there truly has
been abuse going on -- and is perhaps happening still -- you know is abuse, and you haven't been honest with us about a lot of things, and may even have misrepresented some things. Sometimes people in abuse feel and get very confused, including about their own conflicting feelings, and sometimes people in abuse also feel so ashamed and afraid, so what they say can be full of truths, half-truths but also outright falsehoods, and also feel like it doesn't make a lot of sense, often because that person's denial as well as ways they have been gaslighted have got THEM feeling completely spun. Too, just because something is abusive or otherwise bad doesn't mean people still can't be very attached to it.
If either of those options are what's true, my advice is the same for both: this relationship is no good
. I would suggest you end this relationship and get away from it. If you feel at all at risk of violence from your boyfriend if you break up, I'd suggest you first work on and ready a solid safety plan, something you can get help with from our site here
It's not really sound for us to be telling someone what is and isn't abuse as the authority of that experience, which is one thing we have kept trying to tell you over the last month or so you've been posting. Ultimately, it's only you who are the right person to answer for that, and we've given you more than enough information, I think, about what is and isn't healthy and what is and isn't abusive here for you to make that call.
That said, because you keep asking, and because no matter what it feels like we try to get you to both recognize and respect our limits, and work with us in the ways we can, I do feel like it's appropriate for me to voice my gut feels here. I get the strong impression that neither of you have been emotionally safe in this relationship, and it hasn't been at all healthy, but I also don't think either one of you are probably in danger with a breakup. In fact, my gut feeling and sense of things is that BOTH of you are much more in danger by staying in this and interacting with each other the way you do. I even feel like some of the ways you have been using consent information and tools have sometimes sounded to me like ways to try and control your partner than ways to create a healthier sexual and otherwise physical relationship together.
I personally think a breakup is the safest, smartest thing for both of you, and probably the only thing that gives you both a start at NOT having your intimate relationships always be like this one is.
Staying in something that is, at best, a total trainwreck -- and at worst is abusive in several ways -- especially when you're both this young and everything can set so many lasting patterns in motion, isn't a choice in alignment with either of your well-being or with learning to form and nurture healthy relationships.
I also get the feeling that one or both of you lack the level of emotional maturity for the kind of intimacy you've been taking part in. It also feels like both of you may come from environments that are either abusive or dysfunctional, so a lot of the behaviours that have been going on here probably have seemed normal and fine even though they're not.
I do worry that one of these days, one of you IS going to earnestly really hurt the other in a bigger way than anyone has been hurt so far. Abuse usually escalates, and again, both of you have been engaging in emotional, verbal and even some physical abuses, based on what you have posted.
And of course, if you believe, think or know, based on what you have learned about sexual abuse and assault, and on your experience, that your boyfriend has sexually assaulted you or anyone else, then yes, reporting those crimes to the police is one very appropriate option.
I know all that's not what you want to hear, especially the breakup bits, but it's what I've got based on all you have told me, what I think of all that, and what I know. Obviously, you can, of course, take it or leave it.
At this point, I also think we need to recognize that our direct services -- the boards, at least, anyway -- obviously aren't a great fit for you and just don't seem to be working. I have ideas about other avenues of help that would be better for you, and also want to set some extra limits if you're going to keep using the boards, but I'm afraid I just don't have any more time or bandwith today to talk about those. I can come back to talk about that tomorrow, though, if you'd like.