Scarleteen

I am 17 years old and my girlfriend is 18. We’ve been dating for a year now but we still have not had sex. I finger her occasionally, play with her boobs, and we make out but she is scared to touch me almost at all. She is not on birth control because “she’s scared of side affects” and will not even think of having sex without it and a condom. Sometimes I will move her hand over to my penis and she will barely rub it through my pants. One time I pulled it out but all she did was hold it and put it back in my pants after a minute. I really wanna go farther in my relationship but I’m at a standstill. I’m tired of giving but never receiving. I really do love her and it’s not a dealbreaker for now but it sure would be nice. I feel like we’re just missing out.

Hi there dsd23969, and welcome to Scarleteen.

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way. Have you ever tried talking with her about how she is feeling? You mentioned that she seems "scared to touch you" - have you ever stopped and asked how she is feeling?
Likewise, have you ever asked for what you're hoping for? Other than moving her hand over to where you'd like it to go, have you ever explicitly asked if she wants to [whatever it is that you want here]?

As for what you said about condoms and/or birth control, it seems a bit like you don't like or agree with that choice. Can you explain why you feel that way?

I also want to check in and make sure that the sexual things you have been doing ALSO feel good to you and are also things you want. In other words, you say she is "taking." Are you not also enjoying what you're doing and getting pleasure from it? If not, can you say a little about why you're choosing to do those things?

I have talked to her about it and she says it just feels awkward. She says she loves me but she doesn’t think she’s ready for anything involving a penis. I have also talked to her and she loves everything I do to her. I do get pleasure from it but I feel like I’m putting out much more than I receive.

Hi Dsd,

Okay, so it sounds like she's pretty clear that she's not ready for anything involving a penis. Given that, have the two of you talked at all about what sexual things you're both interested in and comfortable doing with each other? In other words, what if you two focused on the things that you find mutually pleasurable and are excited to try, rather than the things you feel you're missing out on that one (or both) of you just isn't ready for?

With those feelings of giving more than receiving, it might be helpful to read this article: Reciprocity, Reloaded. Do any parts of it feel like they apply to your relationship?

I do also want to add that if it turns out you just don't think you're sexually compatible right now -- you want things she just isn't ready for, and what she IS ready for just isn't turning out to be satisfying for you -- it's okay, and you're not obligated to stay in the relationship as it is if you don't want to.

I say that because a lot of people feel a lot of guilt in that kind of situation, and feel like leaving a relationship -- or changing it from something sexual to a friendship instead -- because it's not satisfying sexually makes them a jerk. It doesn't. That's just as valid a reason to leave or change a relationship as, for example, not having enough shared interests to make something work, or having radically different communication styles you just can't get to work well together.

I don't know if that's an option you want to talk about, but given that it sounds like she just isn't ready for and doesn't want what you do, it's probably at least worth thinking about. If you want to talk about it, we can do that.