not being able to masturbate or orgasm

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winnierose
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not being able to masturbate or orgasm

Unread postby winnierose » Tue Mar 05, 2019 11:03 pm

hi i’ve read a lot of posts but i’m still frustrated with my situation and i’m hoping someone can explain to me what’s going on. i’m 16 years old and can only remember reaching orgasm once before in my life and i was 10 (when i didn’t even know what masturbation was). for years i’ve been trying to masturbate but every time i get nothing out of it. no excitement no pleasure. i’ve tried touching my clitoris i’ve tried rubbing the area around it i’ve tried so many things and every time i come away from the experience feeling dejected and annoyed. the most i’ve ever gotten before is a slight pressure but i just had to use the washroom to pee?
i’ve got a boyfriend now (it’s still new ish) but it’s serious enough that we’ll probably start trying stuff together soon. i’m worried about what will happen(maybe nothing at all?) i don’t know what to do and i’m scared. what if we do stuff and instead of coming i pee? what if nothing happens? is it possible i can’t orgasm at all??
i want to do stuff, it’s not like the thought of it repulses me or anything, and i get turned on i just can’t do anything about it and every time i just end up just waiting for it to go away.
please help

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Re: not being able to masturbate or orgasm

Unread postby Heather » Wed Mar 06, 2019 7:42 am

Welcome to the boards, winnierose. I'm glad to try and help you with this.

I'm going to start by asking you a few questions so I can get all the information we generally need to figure out the best way to help in these situations:
1) Before you start trying to masturbate, when you do, are you already feeling pretty turned on? If so, do you stay feeling that way, or does it stop for you once you start? If you aren't already turned on when you go to start masturbating, can you tell me a bit about what you feel like motiovates you to masturbate?
2) Do you have any kind of sexual trauma or shame in your life history, like sexual abuse or assault or religious sexual shaming?
3) Per the idea of trying sexual things with the boyfriend you have now: is that something you *want* to do or something you feel like you have to do?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

winnierose
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Re: not being able to masturbate or orgasm

Unread postby winnierose » Thu Mar 14, 2019 1:44 pm

1) sometimes i’m kind of turned on and sometimes i’m not. i don’t often feel like i HAVE to masturbate though i rarely feel that way actually. most of the time when i try it’s because i’m curious to feel what it would feel like to orgasm. most of the time when i already feel turned on and i try to madturbate it goes away after 5-10 minutes because i get frustrated that its not turning me on? does that make sense?
2) i’ve never been sexually abused but there has been some mild religious shaming. i didn’t even know masturbation was a thing until the very end of grade 8 and even then i didn’t try until last year because i always felt guilty. i’ve tried letting go of that but nothing has changed when i masturbate. even when i’m relaxed and alone and not stressed it still does nothing
3) with my boyfriend i don’t feel forced or anything like he’s never put pressure on me. and oral sex and sex in general are things i want to do but i don’t feel turned on by the thought like i feel like people talk about in movies and books and tv shows and even sometimes in real life. this has made me wonder if i’m asexual but i really don’t think that’s the case. i definitely get up in my head and overthink but i don’t think that’s what’s stopping me necessarily from having an orgasm

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Re: not being able to masturbate or orgasm

Unread postby Sam W » Fri Mar 15, 2019 7:23 am

Hi Winnierose,

Thank you for that additional information!

When we're masturbating, or engaging in sex with a partner, if we're not mentally as well as physically turned-on the experience is likely to be less pleasurable. You can read about why that is here:With Pleasure: A View of Whole Sexual Anatomy for Every Body.

If you're not feeling turned-on when you start masturbating, or you stop feeling that way pretty quickly, that may be a reason why this isn't feeling that good to you. Too, frustration with yourself is a great way to kill any remaining arousal. What if, the next time you masturbated, you took time to get turned-on and then took the pressure off yourself of masturbating needing to feel a specific way? Does that feel like something you could do? You could also, if you haven't already, experiment with other ways of masturbating to see if those create more enjoyment for you (you can find some ideas on how to do that here: Going Solo: The Basics of Masturbation).

When you think about sexual things, is it that you don't get aroused at all, or more that you don't get aroused to the level you think other people do? And doe you find yourself experiencing sexual attraction to people?

winnierose
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Re: not being able to masturbate or orgasm

Unread postby winnierose » Fri Mar 15, 2019 10:24 am

thanks for the additional reading i’ll get on that asap. in reference to your questions typically when i get aroused it’s not to porn. porn doesn’t do anything for me and i think it’s because it’s so obviously fake? i’m not sure if that makes sense. nor does thinking about a sexually situation with a person, or at least that’s not enough. like i’ve never seen someone and been like wow i’m so sexually turned on. usually it’s more some of the stuff that i read or art? i’m not sure if that’s weird but it feels more real? and i don’t think i get aroused to the same level as others but i’m wondering if that’s because i’m subconsciously stopping myself?

i hope that answers all your questions. it’s not like i don’t want to feel sexually aroused, i really do, and i want to enjoy that kind of thing with myself and with partners i just feel like there’s something wrong

Sam W
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Re: not being able to masturbate or orgasm

Unread postby Sam W » Fri Mar 15, 2019 10:29 am

You're welcome! And nope, there's nothing weird about preferring one type of sexual media (or one type of fantasy) to another. Heck, even if there was, you'd still get to have that preference because we're each the boss of our own sexuality. When you say you think you might be unintentionally stopping yourself from getting aroused, can you say a little more about why you think that? For instance, do you notice yourself getting aroused during masturbation and suddenly feeling part of your brain pulling away from those feelings? And do you feel like some of those messages from your upbringing are maybe still bringing up guilt when you masturbate?

I hear you saying you've never seen someone and felt turned on by them. Does that include your partner?

winnierose
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Joined: Tue Mar 05, 2019 10:45 pm
My Awesomeness Quotient: my intuition
My primary language: english
My pronouns: she/her
My sexual identity and orientation: person over parts
Location: canada

Re: not being able to masturbate or orgasm

Unread postby winnierose » Sat Mar 16, 2019 9:44 am

i do feel like part of my brain is pulling away when i masturbate but only after a few minutes of trying to completely focus on feelings of “pleasure”. i get frustrated that nothing is really happening and that’s when part of my brain starts pulling away. i feel like maybe some of those messages from my upbringing are maybe still there a bit? but i feel like over the last couple years i’ve done a decent job of trying to invalidate them and instead validate other more positive messages about my body and masturbation.

in regards to never having looked at someone and feeling turned on yes that includes my partner. i’ve never just felt sexual attraction towards a person (or at least not that i can remember and identify) i feel like other people do that?

Sam W
scarleteen staff/volunteer
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My Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
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Re: not being able to masturbate or orgasm

Unread postby Sam W » Mon Mar 18, 2019 7:32 am

Got it. Can you tell me a little more about what messages from your upbringing might be in the mix? It's awesome that you've been doing work to unlearn them and learn more sex positive ones, but sometimes the messages we receive when we're younger can be stuck in our brains in ways we're not expecting and take extra work to kick to the curb.

If you're not experiencing sexual attraction and feel like it's not something you've ever experienced, have you ever read about asexuality to see if it matches with your feelings? Too, since it sounds like you're not sexually attracted to him, can you give me a sense of why you think you and your boyfriend will be trying sexual things soon?


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