Ugh! I'm not at all a fan of that response to you either. (Honestly, my dog is barking at me now because I just yelled "what a bunch of bullshit!" too loudly.) And anytime someone, in any setting, says they don't want to do a thing with someone if they are involving their therapist for themselves, all my hackles go up, too. That just always feels super red-flaggy to me. I'm so sorry, MusicNerd. This really stinks.
Hahahaha! I definitely had the same reaction after hanging up with her. (Sorry for your dog barking at you though lol)
Oh yeah, a HUGE red flag popped up for me when she gave that ultimatum! I told her that I don't agree with the idea of making a false equivalence between character defects and tools for survival (which she called "coping skills" to make it sound cute I suppose? idk lol). I also told her how I specifically wanted to do this step with my therapist, because: 1. I wanted to work with someone who's trained in trauma-informed issues who knows more details about my life and history with abuse and 2. She's also someone I feel much more comfortable unpacking my issues around racism with, since my therapist is a black woman herself.
Mind you, I myself have worked in a former job with young people in a trauma-informed framework, and I still
wouldn't consider myself to be a trained professional. It's very easy for someone to sit on their high horse and say what they would've done in an abusive situation without having been in that person's specific situation (She told me that she thought that because our situations were supposedly similar that she could give me advice in this way, but she also unfortunately hasn't realized that she has internalized victim-blaming from previous sponsors too in the name of holier-than-thou "spiritual awakening". This is sadly pretty common in the program, but that's a whole other post.)
So, for her to respond to my reasons for wanting to work with my therapist by giving that kind of ultimatum? Especially when it's already a suggestion that's given in AA literature anyway? My gut was like, "Absolutely the frick not!!" She's definitely not going to own up to her judgmental rhetoric (re: calling my actions "icky"). And though I'm sure it was unintentional, it's also kinda controlling to pose options to someone in that way for wanting a therapist's help. (Also, funny how she thought I'd want to work with her after all this? But I didn't say that since I felt it wouldn't do much good for the conversation to mention that. lol) Sorry, that was a whole text novel!
Heather wrote:I don't think, though, that because this sponsor was like this you should figure no one else will be able to sponsor you well, either. That sounds self-defeating to me, and also like something that just isn't sound. I believe there's a sponsor -- or, if not in this framework right now, or period, for some reason, a dedicated support person to help you with your sobriety -- out there for you.
You're right, that is a bit self-defeating of me. And to be fair, one of my friends in the program (who unfortunately doesn't qualify as a sponsor yet because she doesn't have a year of sobriety) was flat-out like, "Maybe you need a new sponsor, because that's judgmental AF for her to talk about your actions in that way. And good on you for doing what you needed to do to get out of the situation." So that gives me some hope in terms of finding someone (whether it's supposed to be in AA or in an alternate program) to sponsor or help support me in sobriety.
So, I'll talk with my therapist on Friday and see if she'd be open to doing this step with me and go from there I guess. This is just super exhausting to have to deal with this kind of thinking in a space that's supposed to be safe.