If you haven't already done so, how would you feel about bringing up the options Heather and Sian mentioned (focusing more on manual sex, maybe introducing a toy, etc) with her and framing it as the two if you exploring new ways to find sexual pleasure together?
I will try that... I do think maybe we can work on her changing her negative attitude toward toys... since we have used them some and she does seem to respond to them in a positive way. She just doesn't believe
she can orgasm that way. I'm really hoping it's a mental block and not a physical one.
You mention that she seems to be unable to let go of her ex emotionally. Can you tell me a bit about what that looks like?
I'm on board with all the things Sam said and asked about. I'm also wondering if you and she have ever talked about you feeling like she's still hung up on her ex, sexually and otherwise? Honestly and very openly, much like the way you are starting to here? If so, how has that gone? Have you been able to ask for limits and boundaries with it, like asking her not to keep talking about her sex life with her ex or draw comparisons (which is honestly just poor sexual form for anyone -- it's one thing to talk about exes and our sex life with them, it's something else to wax so poetic and hold them up as ideals like this to a current)?
If you haven't talked with her about this, how do you feel about taking that step? It sounds past due to me, if it hasn't happened yet, and pretty essential at this point. Even just holding onto all these feelings unexpressed to her (like letting her know the way she's talking has the result of making you feel shitty about yourself) has got to feel pretty awful.
She is still in contact with him (via text/Facebook), which is something I'm not really comfortable with and have told her as much. Yes, we've had several discussions about this issue. She says he's her friend, and while I know some people are able to remain friends with exes, it's not something I'm too keen on because she clearly is still harboring some of those feelings for him. (for reference, I've been with her for over a year now)
When I've brought it up, her response is that "he's far away" (he is in the military and was stationed in a different state) and saying "I'm with you now. He's just a friend and he knows I'm with you now, but I still care about his well-being." (for example, at one point he expressed to her that he had suicidal thoughts, and it's understandable that you wouldn't want someone you cared for to do that). We are old enough to both have pasts (I'm 32 and she's 28, and also I'm divorced), so in some ways I understand, but I also don't keep up this level of communication with any of my exes. There was also a time where one of mine contacted me and I talked to her a bit (which I immediately told my girlfriend about, in the interest of being open about it). This woman literally has cancer, which had returned after treatments, so yeah I was concerned about her well-being too.
But telling her about that communication, she used it as fodder for saying "well it's hypocritical that you can talk to your ex, but you don't want me to talk to mine". But that was a single conversation that was literally about a life/death issue. I haven't hung on to any ex emotionally the way that she has with this guy (including my ex-wife
, who I truly did love but am completely done with and over), and I feel that they aren't remotely the same thing.
So yeah, that's the situation that I'm dealing with and although it makes me feel crappy, I don't want to give up either. I love her and I want to "win", but can't help feel deep down that I'm fighting a losing battle, and that the primary reason is purely a physical one that I can't do anything about.