Thank you for your kind words ,it feels truly amazing when someone cares about you .I appreciate your time taking to reply . no ,i didnt go to any therapist, in fact my family knows nothing,because i never said anything about it or show how i feel, although lately i tell mom i want to die sometimes ,making it sound like a joke so she won't suspect anything. it's hard to talk about it knowing that others will judge you and make fun about it . i dont live in a country where depression is accepted as a health problem, people here consider that whoever has depression, is thinking only of themselves, saying we are *selfish* . then ofc ,one time i got very sad and when dad asked whats my problem i bursted into tears saying i want to die and all he did was get very mad at me .i dont think i ever got enough love from my parents,this affected me so much as a child ,and now i really dont care anymore, my dad used to have anger issues and act in accordance with his feelings, but now he turned into a better person ,im happy about that ,but my depression already has started since i was too little to understand the world . I can forgive how much i can but i cant heal my depression. you are right ,i need professional help to be able to overcome it.i was saying that i thought i got rid of it ,because at some point in my life ,i went on with several months not feeling suicidal at all,i think that happened because i was focusing only on the positive part of the things, i was feeling spirituality complete, meaning that i had an unusual experience,i'll talk about this as well .i believe in God, but i dont believe in religion, i was raised as a Christian, yet things were getting difficult for me and i was more and more depressed, i once found myself crying out loud because i couldnt hold it in anymore, i was way to heartbroken, as i kept saying 'im a mistake' while crying ,i heard a voice in my head saying something like 'did i ever make mistakes?',it wasnt my thoughts, that made me immediately stop ,i felt such a love going inside me ,i knew it was Him ,my very first experience. things were going great for a few months, i felt like a totally new person ,but things changed when my bf i loved dearly broke up with me for no reason. then i made the biggest mistake to break the bond with God that made me truly happy . i felt back into depression... sadly.i never felt again as happy as in that moment of my life .i think i talked way too much now ,but i hope you'll understand.
yeah ,i do . if i cant finger myself, will i still be able to have sex? and im afraid that will hurt a lot .i didnt have sex with my bf because of that ,im not feeling comfortable and i know i dont need to rush unless im prepared.although im not looking forward to having sex at all ,sometimes i do get horny and want to do that.