i tried to finger myself but i can't?

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alone
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i tried to finger myself but i can't?

Unread postby alone » Wed Jul 11, 2018 12:35 pm

Ok so ,this is my first time writing here ,i'm feeling a bit nervous. i'm 18 years old ,and i never had sex or tried to masturbate, because i simply can't put not even a finger inside .i became really anxious about this because i'm so confused,like i tried sticking one finger inside and it feels so sore and uncomfortable, it doesn't go inside ,theres something stopping it to go inside,when i gave up on that and i went to the bathroom to pee it felt sore. I looked up here and i found a few answers ,and that thing about hymen that i have too , i think it's called septate ,also that the pee hole and vagina hole are two separate holes ,but still ,i wonder why when i have my period and i pee ,blood comes out and sometimes little clots??please help ,i feel so bad about this ,i want to put an end to my life and all i wanna do is cry

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Re: i tried to finger myself but i can't?

Unread postby Heather » Wed Jul 11, 2018 12:47 pm

Suicidal feelings or impulses are very serious things. They are also things we are not equipped with the proper resources to handle.

I would be happy to talk about your issues with you, but we first need to make sure that you're safe from harm and not in need of help with suicidal thoughts or impulses. Are you truly having feelings of wanting to do yourself harm? If so, do you have access right now to a person in-person to ask for help from, or are you able to call a suicide hotline or, if it feels particularly dire, the emergency room closest to you?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

alone
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Re: i tried to finger myself but i can't?

Unread postby alone » Wed Jul 11, 2018 1:26 pm

i'm not going to harm myself as long as i will find out a solution for my problem or at least an answer, it really does bring me to tears and makes me suicidal, i dont understand why .i feel very anxious about my problem. but i am ok ,thank you so much though. i dont think i need help. im too scared to kill myself anyways

Heather
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Re: i tried to finger myself but i can't?

Unread postby Heather » Wed Jul 11, 2018 3:25 pm

Feeling suicidal over questions like this sounds to me like you must have pretty strong suicidality already. So, if it’s at all possible for you, I would strongly encourage you to seek out a mental healthcare provider. It’s not easy to live with suicidal ideation, but it’s really freaking hard without good help.

I am not sure I understand why any of this has you so upset, but let me give you some facts to start with - just a couple basics - and we can talk this from there, okay?

Just due to angles and arm/finger length alone, most people aren’t going to be able to do much with their own fingers inside their own vaginas. Most people will be able to reach the first inch or so inside, and that’s where the sensory nerve endings are anyway, but honestly, masturbation that involves fingers inside the vagina - instead of stimulating the external clitoris and other parts, or using toys meant for vaginal play - isn’t super common. It’s just not something I would say many people seem to report finding very satisfying, which isn’t surprising.

It sounds like it clearly doesn’t feel good for you, so why stress? Why not just explore more to find what DOES feel good?

No matter what someone’s hymen is like, the urinary opening and vaginal opening are not the same place, but separate. And having menstrual flow when you urinate is usually just about gravity and what happens when you move the muscles you do to urinate.

Menstual flow doesn’t really clot: it’s not actually blood, not entirely, and not that kind. Rather, it’s the uterine lining, which includes blood, from the cycle before. Sometimes it sheds as a fluid, sometimes a bit more solid, and sometimes either or both clump up with cervical mucus. It’s common for people to mistake those latter two for clotting. Any of those variations are normal and nothing to worry about.

How do you feel now knowing those facts?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

alone
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Re: i tried to finger myself but i can't?

Unread postby alone » Wed Jul 11, 2018 3:39 pm

yes ,i suffer from depression, but i thought i got rid of it ,i feel suicidal only sometimes, i will proceed to apply your advice tho .i dont think its possible to do it on my own ,but i got used to wanting to die and i think its so normal to want to die. anyways ,what you said does make me feel better ,and i dont understand either why this thing made me feel so uncomfortable.Maybe because i thought that it is not normal to not be able to finger myself , and because i thought that it might be something wrong with my vagina. when i think of how it made me feel ,now im embarrassed, lol ,i'm sorry . im afraid that i will never be good enough and that i look like a piece of shit .this doesnt matter anyways . thank you so much for taking time to respond, it means a lot and i appreciate it :"))

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Re: i tried to finger myself but i can't?

Unread postby alice » Wed Jul 11, 2018 6:29 pm

Hey alone,

I'm so sorry to hear about the intense and painful feelings you've been having. I am thinking of you.

Once we have experienced something for a long time it's easy for it to become normalized, but I want to remind you that you don't need to get used to wanting to die. And while you are definitely not alone in struggling with suicidal thoughts, I wouldn't say it is "normal" to want to die. With good mental healthcare, and with time, you can and will feel better. This storm too shall pass.

You said that you thought you got rid of your depression--was that through working with a therapist and/or taking a medication? If so, are you still seeing a therapist? If not, is that something that you would like help getting set up with? To overcome depression and feeling suicidal without professional support is very difficult--just like I wouldn't try to manage my diabetes without the help of a doctor!

Lastly, no need to feel embarrassed! It is very vulnerable to compare our bodies and ourselves to others, to worry that we are not normal, to worry that something is wrong with us. I hear you 100% on that and I resonate! It takes a lot of time and practice to stop worrying so much about "normal," especially when it comes to our bodies and genders and sexualities. Are there any other things in this area you are worried about not being normal, or have any questions about?

alone
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Location: Arad ,Romania

Re: i tried to finger myself but i can't?

Unread postby alone » Thu Jul 12, 2018 2:00 am

Thank you for your kind words ,it feels truly amazing when someone cares about you .I appreciate your time taking to reply . no ,i didnt go to any therapist, in fact my family knows nothing,because i never said anything about it or show how i feel, although lately i tell mom i want to die sometimes ,making it sound like a joke so she won't suspect anything. it's hard to talk about it knowing that others will judge you and make fun about it . i dont live in a country where depression is accepted as a health problem, people here consider that whoever has depression, is thinking only of themselves, saying we are *selfish* . then ofc ,one time i got very sad and when dad asked whats my problem i bursted into tears saying i want to die and all he did was get very mad at me .i dont think i ever got enough love from my parents,this affected me so much as a child ,and now i really dont care anymore, my dad used to have anger issues and act in accordance with his feelings, but now he turned into a better person ,im happy about that ,but my depression already has started since i was too little to understand the world . I can forgive how much i can but i cant heal my depression. you are right ,i need professional help to be able to overcome it.i was saying that i thought i got rid of it ,because at some point in my life ,i went on with several months not feeling suicidal at all,i think that happened because i was focusing only on the positive part of the things, i was feeling spirituality complete, meaning that i had an unusual experience,i'll talk about this as well .i believe in God, but i dont believe in religion, i was raised as a Christian, yet things were getting difficult for me and i was more and more depressed, i once found myself crying out loud because i couldnt hold it in anymore, i was way to heartbroken, as i kept saying 'im a mistake' while crying ,i heard a voice in my head saying something like 'did i ever make mistakes?',it wasnt my thoughts, that made me immediately stop ,i felt such a love going inside me ,i knew it was Him ,my very first experience. things were going great for a few months, i felt like a totally new person ,but things changed when my bf i loved dearly broke up with me for no reason. then i made the biggest mistake to break the bond with God that made me truly happy . i felt back into depression... sadly.i never felt again as happy as in that moment of my life .i think i talked way too much now ,but i hope you'll understand.
yeah ,i do . if i cant finger myself, will i still be able to have sex? and im afraid that will hurt a lot .i didnt have sex with my bf because of that ,im not feeling comfortable and i know i dont need to rush unless im prepared.although im not looking forward to having sex at all ,sometimes i do get horny and want to do that.

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Re: i tried to finger myself but i can't?

Unread postby Sam W » Thu Jul 12, 2018 8:11 am

Hi alone,

It sounds like you've been carrying a lot of sadness and negative thoughts about yourself around for a long time. That can be so draining, and I'm glad you feel comfortable enough in this space to share those feelings with us. The tricky thing about depression is that it can have periods where it's mild and periods where it's intense, and those ups and downs just happen, they're not the result of any mistake you made. Since it sounds like you know mental health support is something you need, would you like to talk about some options for finding that support for yourself? You mention your family is not understanding when it comes to your depression (with your dad, what did his acting on his anger look like when you were younger?). Do you have any friends or other family members who you think would be more supportive who you could reach out to?

As for your question about sex, there's no reason to assume that because you've had a bad experience with fingering that you won't be able to have positive sexual experiences with a partner. Odds are, as you experiment more with masturbation, you'll find things that do feel good to you, and that will give you information you could one day pass onto a partner (too, if you're tense or nervous about inserting a finger, it's more likely to be painful because everything is tensing up). Does that help?


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