In a previous post I mentioned that I was, in a sense, uncomfortable with masturbating. I am nearly 15 and a socially transitioned FTM. I have had insecurities with my genitals since I was about eight, but now because of the horrors of female puberty I am more so than ever before. It's not that it changed downstairs that really bothered me, it's just the addition of tits is just a big old "FUCK YOU!" from mother nature. It's too much. And the fact that I have less muscle definition than I used to also pisses me off, so all in all I don't feel comfortable with my body or touching it unless I'm on the good shit (weed).
But, nonetheless I am still a horny teenager. A horny teenager who sees some guy on Instagram or Tumblr and goes "I'd fuck him." And such things can't be pent up forever, so your boy got his friend with a drunk of a mom to buy him a dildo online and hid it in a box in a bag in a bag in a drawer in his room, only using it when need be. So sometimes I'll do it once a week, sometimes I'll do it multiple times a day, sometimes I'll do it just once a day, it honestly depends.
So I'm going to go into detail into how I approach this. So I always take everything off except a big hoodie so I don't have to look at my chest. I'll go on YouTube and listen to "She's My Collar" or "Dead Girl Walking" or just something to get me turned on. I grab this thick old robe from my "cis" days and put it on the bed so I don't get it wet. Then, I clear my head of all the shit that's gone on that day and just think about having a good time. So I unpackage my dildo and try not to stare at it too long, suck it a little so it'll go in better while simultaneously rubbing myself a little. I lay down and get into a comfortable position, usually consisting of me laying on my back and spreading my legs sideways with my arm carelessly over my head. Very chill. I tease myself with the toy by gliding it over and then I put it in. I like things fast and rough, but still sweet with soft words. I just kind of fuck myself silly for 20 minutes, not thinking about how wrong it would feel when it was over. I buck my hips quite a lot, it kind of helps me feel more masculine/in control of the situation
Then I stop. I feel dysphoric, depressed, and ashamed of myself. I feel like I was not supposed to like it, like as a boy with a cunt I shouldn't want anything to do with that sort of shit, I shouldn't like it. But in the moment, I do like it. I like it a hell of a lot. I sometimes ponder if I should just stop getting off all together, but I get scared I'll be thinking about sex and boys all the time and not be able to focus on art class and other stuff (if my art suffers, I suffer). Any advice or anything? Am I doing it wrong? Am I just too dysphoric?