Scarleteen

So, Saturday night... I ended up crying on my mother's shoulder. I learned some things that explain a lot about her. I'm scared that she might twist something I said, or that she'll get the wrong idea. I'm fearing she may use my own vulnerability and weakness against me. I'm already worn out from all of this... I really DON'T need her doing anything.

Hi Kittypink,

If you're comfortable doing so, can you tell us more about what the conversation involved? We might be able to help you come up with some ways to prevent (or minimize) her using that conversation against you.

Well, essentially she told me she blames herself for why I'm with my grandmother. She pointed out some things I agree with, like why I bottle up my emotions and how some of the things that have been done or said to me have hurt me. But, I'm for one, afraid of her using what I agreed with and said against me to say that my gender is not valid and/or a by-product of something else. The second thing I'm afraid of is that she'll use some of what I've said or how I've reacted as evidence to get custody.

Got it. Are your concerns in any way coming from instances in the past where she's used honest of vulnerable moments on your part (or on hers) against you later on? Or would this be a new behavior were she to do it?

If you're worried she'll use your conversation to try and invalidate your gender, do you want to try using the space here to work on some potential responses to that?

It wouldn't be the first time for her to do it. But it is a rare thing for her.


I would like to work on responses to it.

Okay, that sounds like a plan. One place to start is to think about ways you think she'd likely try to invalidate you (in other words, what arguments she'd use), then start thinking about the ways you could respond (keeping in mind that safety is still an important aspect for you).

When she's tried this sort of ickiness in the past, are there things that have worked in terms of getting her to stop, or at least get you out of the conversation?

Well, she'll try to connect it to trauma. Or she'll try to connect it with the fact that my grandmother isn't very feminine... (Well, at least conventionally.) Or the fact my mother thinks my grandmother is overbearing.

I don't have reliable means of stopping her, and about the only thing I can think of is camping out in the bathroom.

Gotcha. With these conversations, would you rather lean towards getting out of them as quickly as possible, or do you want to try and counter some of the stuff she says (keeping in mind that, I suspect, there isn't a lot you could say to change her mind)?

Countering first, failure then calls for getting away.

What happens if you try to deflect the conversation? As in she asks you something intrusive or says something awful and you respond "I don't want to talk about this."

BTW, I'm asking for all this detail because we'd like to make this conversations as safe and as un-awful for you as possible, so the more we figure out what works and what doesn't, the better we'll be able to do that.

As far as the last few times I said "I don't want to talk about this." It was "You don't get the choice." as the response.

Yeesh. I'm wondering if something like the broken record approach might work, where she says something ridiculous/awful and every time you respond with a variation on "no, that's not it" or "That's not what is going on for me." Do you think that might make her drop the conversation, or is there a good chance it would make her angrier and put you at risk of punishment?

"No, that's not it" usually ends up extending the conversation.

Also, she's basing part of her arguments with the gender stuff recently with this article: https://4thwavenow.com/2016/12/17/a-mum ... er-desist/

I'm sure you're aware of this already, but in case it helps to hear it from someone else: there is a heck of a lot wrong with that site, and I'm sorry your mother has been using it as a source of information for her arguments. Unfortunately, it's often very hard to argue against transphobia and misinformation, and it sounds like trying to do so would probably open you up to even more abuse.

I'll confess I'm at a bit of a loss in terms of what to suggest next around how to deal with your mother on this, but I'll leave a note for the other staff members and hopefully someone will have some ideas!

Karyn wrote:I'm sure you're aware of this already, but in case it helps to hear it from someone else: there is a heck of a lot wrong with that site, and I'm sorry your mother has been using it as a source of information for her arguments. Unfortunately, it's often very hard to argue against transphobia and misinformation, and it sounds like trying to do so would probably open you up to even more abuse.

I'll confess I'm at a bit of a loss in terms of what to suggest next around how to deal with your mother on this, but I'll leave a note for the other staff members and hopefully someone will have some ideas!

Well, with dealing with my mother, it's safe to say nobody knows for sure anymore.

It does sound like your mother's someone who's willing to rely on clearly faulty sources to make arguments, and isn't willing to listen to you when you try to say you don't want to talk or that she's wrong; in cases like that sometimes the best thing you can do is try and let someone finish their diatribe as quickly as possible so you can make your exit. As Karyn said above, it sounds like arguing might open yourself up to further abuse. It's no fun to let someone say cruel and untrue things without talking back, but maybe doing that helps the entire experience be over more quickly, and that's your reward? If it helps to silently add whatever angry comments you have about how wrong she is in your mind as she goes along, then go for it - or perhaps you can take some time to do some journaling or other feelings-venting afterwards.