Scarleteen

Hi, so um, this might get a little bit graphic so i apologize in advance. So um, my ex boyfriend did some things and I wonder if he sexually coerced me or violated my consent without meaning to? So once, we were having sex, and it hurt to i told him to stop and said that it hurt. He started crying and apologizing profusely, and it was so bad that I was guilty for making him sad. So from then on I never told him when it hurt. And another time, he thought I was role playing, but we hadnt discussed it beforehand, so he held me down and touched me while I said no and struggled. I didn't want it, but he thought that i did, because I had role played in the past, so he thought that i was just playing.So basically, I am just wondering, was this coerced, or am i just overreacting?

You're not overreacting at all; what this person did was clearly coercive and non-consensual. That said, what kind of help or support would you like from us here at Scarleteen around this?

I guess I just need to know why he hurt me. It feels like he raped me, even though that might not be the correct term. And I need to know how i can get over this and start living my life.

Rape is the term used to describe someone doing something sexual to someone else without consent: so yes, I would say it's the correct term to use here and if it feels right to you to use it, then that's the term you get to use.

As for the why, sexual assault or rape is generally about power or control, exerting power over someone else. There's a book by Lundy Bancroft called "Why does he do that?" that might give you some insight if that's something you're interested in. However, you're not likely ever going to know for sure why this person hurt you, and I'd suggest doing what you can to let go of the idea that having that information will help you start to heal.

Per getting over an assault, it's something that takes time, but it is doable. Often seeing a therapist or counsellor can be a big help; is that something you'd be interested in exploring?

Not really. I am too afraid that my therapist would report it.

Is it rape even if he didn't mean to force me and he just did so subconsciously?

Hi no,

If you're concerned about your therapist reporting, one thing you can do is ask them under what circumstances they'd be mandated to report. In the U.S, there is a very limited number of circumstances in which a therapist is allowed to break confidentiality. Too, you could also call a rape crisis hotline and talk to someone there. That would allow you some degree of anonymity while still connecting you to someone who could talk with you about what you're going through. Do either of those options sound like something you'd be up for?

To answer your other question, first of all, what ultimately matters here are your feelings and responses, not his motives. But beyond that this is not the kind of thing you do subconsciously. In the incidents you describe he made a choice to keep going even when you said no. Do you see what I'm getting at there?

I suppose, but i truly feel that he didnt mean to hurt me. But it still hurts.

It's impossible to know this person's motives and intent, but by all means, whatever that was, that's not going to change the fact that you were done harm and suffered trauma.

Think about it like this: if we get hit by a car, the fact that we were injured won't change because someone did or didn't mean to hit us.

Mind, sexual assault is not an accident, or something outside someone's control. So, later on, we can talk about that. But for now, what this person intended doesn't change anything when it comes to what you need to cope and heal from here for yourself. Make sense?

I guess that makes sense

So, what are you comfortable with in terms of a next step? Since this is an ex, so you are not currently in danger, it's not something a therapist would have to mandatorily report, but since you sound nervous about that, how do you feel about just checking in with them about their confidentiality policies?

You can do that without disclosing, by just calling or emailing and asking something like, "Can you tell me under what conditions you would -- or are legally obligated to -- report what I tell you to my parents, social services, or the police?"

I could do that

Okay. Moving forward here, where would you like this conversation to go?