I am new here and this is my first time posting a topic.
Well like says the description of this section . I am not exactly sure in where belongs this I am going to share here.
I am 19 years old and biologically female.
The thing is... I never felt like a girl since I have memory... I am feminine person of course, but not in the enough percentage for calling myself a girl or woman. I wasn't like a normal girl when I was a kid , instead I was a bit more inclined to masculine stuff and all. And today's still the same... I am identifying like a feminine man for the most part now... I think there's a little bit of queer somewhere, may be... sometimes I feel queer but still as a queer man, but just sometimes....
I have always wished and felt the most comfortable sensation thinking on looking masculine.
Also looking like a pretty and hot gay boy!
Besides there's something that is haunting me like five years ago and looks like forever to be honest.
"If I was born male, my life would be easier." And...
"The idea of being a gay man."
I was confused and felt lost in the beginning, but with time passing I discovered and realized things by things.
Among many other things I found, I picked a term called "girlfag".
It says that is a biologically female who feels like a gay man trapped in a woman's body. I was feeling like that way a couple of months ago, but now I am not feeling exactly like that anymore... I REALLY feel I am a gay man and not even a girl or woman. So this idea is fitting with me even more and more... but as I have dysphoria I feel more frustrated each time at the same time. Maybe I am girlfag because I am biologically female, but I can't even identify with the "girl" word in there.
There was a moment I didn't care about having a vagina, I just wanted to have top surgery. BUT. .. As I am searching more and more about bottom surgery, I really am feeling better and comfortable with the idea of having a penis instead... Whenever I see gay man couples I feel like that's one of the most normal things and it's even a beautiful and awesome stuff, but I feel also some envy . Because I want a man in my life who loves me and cares me like the man I am. I want a man to care and protect with all my life... is not just a thing of having more pleasure with genitalia, I don't care if vagina gives me more sensation,no, is the way I am feeling it should be, is about how I really feel, and I feel should be having a penis instead. .. though.... I have a boyfriend on internet and I feel gay for him.
The thing is I want him with me as a man, if I think of him with me as a girl, is completely repulsive to me (that's the reason I don't look for straight men, not even a 0.1% of interest in them as my lovers. I am fascinated with feminine and masculine gay boys instead).
I told my boyfriend I am trans by accident (it was supposed to be in more time) . I think he misunderstood the point, but he's acting with me like always he does. But he's 14 and I am afraid of clearing the point for him because he couldn't understand well... he may be bisexual and even if I tell him the truth there's a possibility that him ends up perceiving my "female" side instead and I hate that...
When I think of dominating a man I feel aroused and excited like if I knew from ever what to do in any circumstances of intercourses or something else, the idea is pretty fitting to me.
I want to be the man of my boyfriend and I consider the idea of transitioning more and more with the time. But I have a fear of losing the attraction for him or shifting my whole orientation to women because of T.
I feel attracted to women also, but talking of me as a man I can say I am homoflexible because I am really attracted to men emotionally/romantically/sexually. But I have heard T may change that and I am afraid of it...
But I really want to change my body.
My gender transition is a real problem also because of all the phobia of my family, so even having 19 in age I can't at least have a more masculine image, and that frustrates me really badly.