Scarleteen

Just some quick context about me: I grew up Catholic and still consider myself to be, and I've just come out of a 4 year relationship (my first one).

I've been having a lot of anxiety post breakup because I feel that in the future I don't want to have sex until marriage (because it made me so uncomfortable in my last relationship), but I'm very concerned that people with the same mindset will not want to be with me because I've done sexual things in the past (technically still a virgin but I've done oral). I feel so guilty and ashamed for what I did but I know that it was my decision and the worst part is that I enjoyed it at times. I feel like I've ruined myself and any future marriage I might have, and that the only people who'll want me are people who want to have pre-martial sex - which will just make me uncomfortable and guilty again because I don't

This all feels so silly because I know I can't predict the future and I feel like I don't even want to be in another relationship for a few years so I can learn to be independent again anyways. I just don't know what to do and this is causing so much anxiety and shame

Hi Lazulite888,

It sounds like you're feeling a lot of guilt around this, so let's see if we can untangle that a bit. I want to start by saying that I think you're impulse to not try and predict the future is a sound one; we can't know who we're going to meet who might be a potential partner for us, and we can't predict how an individual, real person is going to act until we actually know them. Trying to predict those things often ends up borrowing trouble and leading to us feeling anxious or upset over things that we have no idea about the likelihood of.

I do want to say that if you do find a partner with similar values around sex, it's not a given that they'll hold your sexual history against you. One reason for that is that there are plenty of people who decide they don't want to be sexual before marriage but don't carry a lot--if any--judgement towards people who do.

Another reason is that there's a decent chance that person may have similar sexual experiences to yours. Virginity isn't a physical state with a single definition; it's an idea, and because of that different people define it differently. And what we know not only from research but also from years of doing this work is that people who are trying to remain virgins until marriage end up engaging in other sexual behaviors with a partner that they see as falling outside of their definition of virginity.

Too, while it will suck to encounter them, someone who is interested in being your partner until they learn your sexual history has done you a huge favor in indicating that they actually aren't a good partner for you. We want partners who we can be honest with about our sexual history without fear of that history being held against us, you know?

I do want to add that, from my perspective, having enjoyed oral sex isn't something to feel guilty about or a mark that you did something wrong. One of the positive aspects of sex is that it's pleasurable, and that pleasure is one of the reasons we as humans choose to engage in it. And we can also enjoy it in the moment, then reflect on it later or in the context of other things we do or don't want in a relationship and go "as much as I liked it, I think overall I'm not ready for it or comfortable doing it again."