Hey Paul, welcome!
This is a really-really good question.
I would say that insults are any words said to a person that state or imply something negative, mocking or hurtful about that person. Banter on the other hand is a longer interaction that contains insults, but also other ingredients. Not all insults are part of banter, but most banter includes insults.
To explain further, I think of banter as a transaction, a trade, between two friends, of low-level insults, like...
Person 1: "Get your lazy ass over here; we're going camping!"
The insult might
even take the form of fake flirting, sometimes queer flirting, among assumed platonic friends, like...
Person 2: "
My lazy ass will be with you soon, honeybun!
"
That sort of interaction can be pretty common in sexist and homophobic societies where men are discouraged from showing love to their friends in any other ways. And so the transaction above might roughly translate to something like...
Person 1 : "
I love you. Here's a (possibly flirty) insult. Please give me a pass to show you love me too'".
Person 2 : "
I love you too. Here's a (possibly flirty) insult in return."
I personally don't like banter; initiating it has always felt like a very untrusting and/or cruel way to test a friend, or a potential friend, and I think it makes space for pretend animosity to grow into real harmful beliefs in society at large. It's very "us against the world/outsiders" which can be a breeding ground for bigotry and harassment. Why can't we just be kind to each other? Anyhow, in theory, I think that's what real banter is, and it takes two people to complete the transaction, and importantly
you have both the choice
and the power not to accept it as banter. The other person might be offended at that rejection, but you have the opportunity to reject it, and if they really care about you, the friendship will survive.
This seems to be the 'banter recipe', and these seem to be all the things that need to be true, for an interaction to count as banter:
- A mild insult or transgression is made.
- Both people are friends.
- Both people are participating in the insults.
- Rejection is a real possibility.
- Both people are risking rejection and embarrassment.
- They are trying to show care to each other.
- Care is real enough to warrant an apology if the banter fails.
As you can see, insults are just one ingredient, and I think you can use the rest of the list to help you differentiate.
So when a stranger says something hurtful online, for 'ingredient 1' they probably
have been insulting, but then for just 'ingredient 2' it fails the test; you are not friends and so already, we can already say it probably isn't banter. Carrying on down the list, for '3' you are not participating, you also do not usually have the power to reject it so 'ingredient 4' and 'ingredient 5' are missing. It's often clear they are usually not doing it to get
your approval, or care. It's more likely they want that approval from people
watching the interaction, and the chance of a genuine apology is usually unlikely. That is what I would call a classic insult, with
zero banter!
Anywhere that disrespect/bigotry/hatred is happening, dishonesty is common, so someone might say "It's just banter" as a dishonest defence, which makes it even harder for someone like you because if someone intends to hurt you, they don't respect you, and they will easily lie to you.
Is that similar to what has happened to you? Or was this something with a friend?
That can be rough, but still something we can work through!
"