is it that bad

Questions and discussion about sexual or other abuse or assault, and support and help for survivors.
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This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.

This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
floweronsaturn
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is it that bad

Unread postby floweronsaturn » Sat Mar 03, 2018 9:27 am

so about 8 months ago I met a friend, he was cool, and I enjoyed being around him. we would see each other on the bus, and we would tease one another. he finally asked for my number, and I was excited. (I didn't see him as a romantic interest) when I got home, I texted him immediately. after a few minutes, he dubbed me as his "texting buddy". I felt loved and wanted to spend more time with him. a few days later, he brung up the topic about nudes. I told him no, that I wasn't ready for that yet. he tried to beg for them, but then after my consistent no's he stopped. I thought everything was fine. I was wrong.
he began to pressure me into sending him nudes and I kept saying no. at one point, that's the only thing he would text me about. I was fed up. then, he invited me over. I thought this would be a great time to talk things out face to face with him and tell him I wasn't interested in sending him pictures. boy, was I wrong.
I went over to his house (he lives right behind me) and he was waiting outside the door. he was acting kind of nervous and I could see that he had a boner. I ignored it and watched him sit down. we talked for a while and he asked, "can I touch your tits". I was disgusted and told him no, and that I wasn't going to do anything sexual with him ever. he smiled and tackled me to the ground. he pushed me up against the wall and groped my breasts. he began to try to make out with me as I struggled to get out. (he was a lot heavier than me) i finally got so tired that i just let it happen. him kissing me and groping me. the next thing i knew he was trying to put his hand down my pants. i finally realized what was happening and i got free. i tried to say something but no words came out. i couldn't even leave to go home i was so shaken up. he kept hugging me and i felt so uncomfortable. it was time to go home so i left, i didn't say goodbye, neither did he. i was expecting a text from him when i got home, but nothing. he never texted me again, which i was happy about, but hurt that he just used me for his own pleasure.
4 months later, the realization finally kicked in. he went to my school, and having to see him everyday was giving me major anxiety and horrible panic attacks. i had to cut class and hide in the bathroom almost all day. i was cutting more, crying more, and just scared. i attempted multiple suicides, and tried to run away. i finally got up the courage to report it to the school counselor, because she was talking to me about my grades and my cutting in the bathroom and how it wasn't acceptable. she seemed sympathetic at first and brung in the school officer and principal. i told the police what happened, and the boy was sent home. i was relieved, i wouldn't have to see him at school anymore. i went home and felt pretty good.
i went back the next day, hoping for a good day, when i saw him. they hadn't sent him to a different school. they hadn't sent him to juvie, no punishment at all. my heart sank and realized the school didn't care. i consulted the counselor, and she said "it wasn't in their policy to send a student away for that". i said ok, and went back to class. my depression got worse, and after 3 suicide attempts, not even my parents wanted to help. my dad, to this day, still says that I'm a fucking pussy for feeling like this, and that i need to grow up. they were becoming a toxic relationship. i ended up having so many panic and anxiety attacks that, i was kicked out of school. they said they "couldn't handle me". again, basically saying my feelings were invalid. i was sent to a new school, where after 3 weeks of it, i realized if no one cared, then i would have to get better on my own, i told my personal counselor that i needed to be checked into a impatient facility. i spent 2 and a half weeks there, and no one seemed to want to help me with it either, other than my friends i made.

so back to the question. is it really that bad? are my feelings valid? is it my fault?
-saturn ☆ ❤︎


postnote: my parents are becoming very toxic, to the point where they are making my depression worse. is it a good idea to leave and crash at someone elses house, for my well being?

Sam W
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Re: is it that bad

Unread postby Sam W » Sat Mar 03, 2018 10:19 am

Hi Saturn,

I'm so, so sorry that someone you thought was friend did that to you and that the fallout was so intense for you. I'm also sorry that your parents and school treated your (very understandable) reactions as a burden. None of what happened was your fault, and you were (and are) having reactions that make a lot of sense given what he did. Everything you're feeling is valid, although some of the ways those feelings are coming out are ultimately hurting you (such as the self-harm). However, you've already demonstrated multiple times that you've got it in you to ask for help. You told a counselor what happened, you told your parents, you even asked to be checked in when you thought you might hurt yourself. All those actions took a lot of strength and you have every right to be proud of yourself for taking them.

Right now, it sounds like a priority may be getting you connected to a resource where you are getting the support you need to heal from what happened. Of course, we're happy to help and support you in whatever ways we can, but it would also be sound to get you connected to a local resource. Can you give me a sense of whether or not you've worked with a counselor who specialized in working with survivors? For instance, when you were check in to the inpatient facility, did they have you working with someone to manage the fall-out from the assault?

Since your safety is also a priority, if you think crashing with a friend would be safer for your mental and physical wellbeing right now, that's an option you should use if you can. When you say your parents are being toxic, can you give me a sense of some of their other behaviors (beyond putting you down and making your trauma worse, which are already awful) so we can talk about some other safety steps you could take?

floweronsaturn
not a newbie
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:49 am
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My sexual identity and orientation: gay or maybe bi not sure rn
Location: texas yee haw

Re: is it that bad

Unread postby floweronsaturn » Sat Mar 03, 2018 10:52 am

thanks for relpying.
my parents, mostly my dad, threaten to beat me or hurt me if I don't "act like everything is fine" that's another reason why I don't want to live with them. they are now scaring me. and again, my dad thinks its all a joke, my depression, anxiety, and feelings about the assault are not true and aren't valid. I ran out of the house the other day and I didn't come back until my mom forced me to because my dad had told me that I need to "grow up and stop being a pussy". I just don't think i can live with them if they keep doing this.

and no, i don't believe that my counselor specializes in sexual assault recovery, nor did anyone really help me at the impatient facility. i talked about it, but they kind of just sweeped it under the rug. i don't have any other local things i can go to.

-saturn ☆

Sam W
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 4829
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
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Re: is it that bad

Unread postby Sam W » Sat Mar 03, 2018 11:03 am

You're welcome.

Okay, so that is an awful situation to be living in and an unsafe one to boot, and you're instinct to get out of there is a very good one. To check that this conversation wouldn't put you in danger, do they do things like monitor your internet history or phone? And can you arrange to stay with a friend for the next few days (if for no other reason than to give you a break from your toxic home life)?

This article is one we designed to help people get out of unsafe situations, be that with partners or with parents: The Scarleteen Safety Plan . Taking a look at it, are there any steps you think you can take soon?

When you left the inpatient facility, did they give you any connections to outside resources? And if not, would you be comfortable with us finding some sexual assault/domestic violence survivor resources for you to connect to? That would give you some support with healing from the assault, as well as more support dealing with your home situation.

floweronsaturn
not a newbie
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:49 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: i can grow flowers
My primary language: english
My pronouns: they/them/she/her
My sexual identity and orientation: gay or maybe bi not sure rn
Location: texas yee haw

Re: is it that bad

Unread postby floweronsaturn » Sat Mar 03, 2018 11:11 am

❤︎
so, my parents monitor my phone history/texts very closely, but this is on my laptop; which they don't check. i can probably try to crash at one of my close friend's house, but my mom will probably suspect that I'm there.
when i left impatient, they didn't give me anything on sexual assault. the only thing we talked about is coping skills for depression and anxiety lmao. (it was like they didn't even care)
but yes, i would be happy if you could connect me with some resources.
thanks

Sam W
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 4829
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
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My pronouns: she/her
My sexual identity and orientation: queer
Location: Desert

Re: is it that bad

Unread postby Sam W » Sat Mar 03, 2018 11:15 am

Got it. You may want to take to private browsing or similar in case they decide to suddenly star monitoring you more, but I'm glad you've got one channel that they're not looking at.

If your mom were to suspect you were staying with a friend, what do you think she'd do? And what kind of relationship do you have with your friend's parents?

Okay, are you comfortable at least telling me the county you live in (city would be even better, but sometimes people aren't comfortable sharing that)? I can find some state-wide resources to start out with, but the more local we can get in what we refer you to the better it will be.

floweronsaturn
not a newbie
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:49 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: i can grow flowers
My primary language: english
My pronouns: they/them/she/her
My sexual identity and orientation: gay or maybe bi not sure rn
Location: texas yee haw

Re: is it that bad

Unread postby floweronsaturn » Sat Mar 03, 2018 11:18 am

my mom would probably drive over there and pick me up and keep taking me back no matter how many times i left the house. i have a pretty good relationship with her parents, and if i asked them and briefly explained, i think they wouldn't tell my mom.
but my city, is wylie, texas.
❤︎

Sam W
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 4829
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
My primary language: english
My pronouns: she/her
My sexual identity and orientation: queer
Location: Desert

Re: is it that bad

Unread postby Sam W » Sat Mar 03, 2018 11:37 am

I see, that sounds like it could get old (and possibly dangerous depending on the dynamic between her and your dad, or if she also threatens you) quickly. Do you think your friend's parents could go one step further than not telling your mom, and basically not let her into the house if she turns up? Too, what do you think would happen if you refused to go with her? Would it put you in danger?

So, the sexual assault resource nearest you looks to be this one: http://www.theturningpoint.org/ . There's also a statewide resource that might be helpful to you as well: http://taasa.org/ . If you can find time (and safe place) to contact the hotline for the local resource today, that's something I'd really encourage you to do. It looks like the also offer free in-person counseling, which could be a really useful thing for you to explore.

As for your home situation, this resource looks like it has a lot of information and support services that you could utilize: http://www.texasadvocacyproject.org/ . I would get in touch with them today, since they can help you do things like safety plan with local resources or help you figure out a safe place to stay. Does that sound like a doable first step?

Sam W
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 4829
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
My primary language: english
My pronouns: she/her
My sexual identity and orientation: queer
Location: Desert

Re: is it that bad

Unread postby Sam W » Sat Mar 03, 2018 11:49 am

So you know, my shift is ending soon so I might be gone by the time you next reply. But there will be other folks here throughout the weekend if need more support or more help finding resources.

floweronsaturn
not a newbie
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:49 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: i can grow flowers
My primary language: english
My pronouns: they/them/she/her
My sexual identity and orientation: gay or maybe bi not sure rn
Location: texas yee haw

Re: is it that bad

Unread postby floweronsaturn » Sat Mar 03, 2018 3:52 pm

thank you, my mom would probably call the cops if i refused.

also, thank you so much for the resources, you're the best.

-saturn
❤︎

Sam W
scarleteen staff/volunteer
Posts: 4829
Joined: Mon Jul 28, 2014 9:06 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: I raise carnivorous plants
My primary language: english
My pronouns: she/her
My sexual identity and orientation: queer
Location: Desert

Re: is it that bad

Unread postby Sam W » Mon Mar 05, 2018 8:27 am

You're so, so welcome.

Have you had any luck contacting local resources? And have you been able to make plans to stay with a friend?

floweronsaturn
not a newbie
Posts: 10
Joined: Sun Jan 07, 2018 7:49 am
My Awesomeness Quotient: i can grow flowers
My primary language: english
My pronouns: they/them/she/her
My sexual identity and orientation: gay or maybe bi not sure rn
Location: texas yee haw

Re: is it that bad

Unread postby floweronsaturn » Wed Mar 07, 2018 6:50 pm

hey,
I couldn't find any resources, but I may have a friend that I can let me stay. I have a bag packed and ready, for the next thing that happens. thank you for the advice.

alice
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Re: is it that bad

Unread postby alice » Wed Mar 07, 2018 8:06 pm

Hey floweronsaturn,

Hope it's okay that I'm jumping in. So sorry to hear about what you are going through :(

One of the resources Sam is referring to The Turning Point, which she mentioned was the sexual assault resource nearest you. I clicked on their website (http://www.theturningpoint.org/) and learned that their hotline number is: (800) 886-7273. They also offer in-person support from 9am-5pm on Monday to Friday, and are located in Plano, Texas (3325 Silverstone Drive). A reminder that all of their services are free of charge!

How do you feel about calling their hotline, or going to their office?


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