So two things came together in my brain yesterday:
Firstly, I'm not dating anyone at the moment and not really looking to
Secondly, I was in a yoga class and I just felt annoyed that my body was struggling.
For a split second I put these things together and thought "How can I expect to be any good in bed if I can't do x-movement, or y-stretch, or z-pose, no wonder I'm scared to date."
It was a really negative idea, and I caught myself, repeating things to myself that i really don't believe intellectually.
1. Sex is a test of how 'good' you are at it.
2. That it's shameful to not be 'good' at it
3. That being 'good at sex' is a matter of physical ability
4. That your partner's role is to judge you
5. That not wanting sex/relationships is a flaw
As it happens I don't think any of those things are true, and some of it is really ablist and otherwise problematic. I need to do some work to remind myself of that. Writing it out, replacing it with more positive ideas when I am mid yoga pose... like saying "Hey this is my body, it's cool" while doing an awkward wobbly 'Warrior 1'.
Do you guys catch yourselves in similar negative thoughts?
Do you do anything to re-write those internalised narratives?
"In between two tall mountains there's a place they call lonesome.
Don't see why they call it lonesome.
I'm never lonesome when I go there." Connie Converse - Talkin' Like You