How do I know when to let go?

[gardenGnostic1]

Hello, I’m back! And again, it’s because I have more pain than I feel like I can handle and no way to contact my therapist for another two weeks. I know this is what Scarleteen is here for, but I still feel like I ought to apologize.

So…here’s the situation. The last time I asked you guys for help (then immediately retracted my question), my boyfriend and I had had a massive breach of trust, and I didn’t know how to heal it. I was feeling walked on, powerless, misunderstood, and unsafe. I was angry about those things, and with good reason.

That’s past now, I think. I don’t want to vouch for its being completely gone, because I may still need more healing. But my boyfriend and I have done some work and I’m back to feeling respected in my relationship. I even realized the other day that I trust him again. After eleven months of not, this is a big deal. There were times when I really didn’t feel safe with him, but a lot of my mistrust boiled down to the fear that I couldn’t handle being betrayed again. Now, I trust him to do his best and to honor us both, and I’ve seen enough of him to know that he loves and respects my power. And after that, it’s amazing how fast my joy in our relationship and respect for both of us has come back.

So it seems completely unfair that we’re now considering breaking up. Again.

But we have good reasons. He wants to know whether this relationship is…he says he’s using “healthy” as shorthand for a concept that isn’t quite that, I think because the implicit value judgment bothers him, so I’m tentatively translating his use of “healthy” to mean “serving his highest good.” And I…

It’s been a long time since I was single. When I was fourteen, I started dating someone, and a year and a half and two traumatic breakups later, I already had a crush on the guy I’m with now. It didn’t take us long to work things out; we worked hard on it and we knew it was a pretty fast turnaround, but we wanted each other. (Still do.) The events of the last eleven months have forced me to grow up a lot, and now that I’m going off to college this fall, I’m aware that I’m a young adult. I’ve been a child, and a teenager in a relationship, but never a single young woman who does things solely for herself. I want to know who I am when no one is watching.

At the same time, I really enjoy this relationship. I don’t have to fight to say that anymore; it just comes out, even in moments when I’m not especially happy or feeling limerent or when we haven’t just talked, because—I do. And I will, I have promised us both I will, prioritize myself, but I’d like to find a way to do both. So, for example, I’ve been worried about having a long-distance relationship in college, because we already spend little enough time together and have felt so deprived of one another since my parents kicked him out. (I mean—breaking up doesn’t sound like a sensible way to feel less deprived of each other. But it could be better than death of a thousand cuts.) If I take internships during the school year, or join clubs I’m interested in (this one college I got into has a LARP club that so calls to what Sarah Ban Breathnach would call my Authentic Self)…what does that do to our relationship? Yet we’re handling being busy right now and still enjoying each other’s company—as I said, I feel joyful, now that the distrust has passed. Until that becomes impossible, until we are no longer handling it, and something’s got to give and it shouldn’t be our individual experiences of life—well, it seems silly to feel guilty about doing things independently or for myself when my partner wants me to do it, and is doing the same thing, and our relationship is handling it. You know? Like I could do the things for myself without leaving him.

The thing is being single really forces you to do everything for yourself, because there’s no one else to do it for. I have this nasty habit—like codependency back for an encore—of linking everything I know about myself back to my partner. I’m a writer? Why don’t I write something with him? This personality trait—let’s compare and contrast it with his! Without that automatic link…suddenly I’m forced to build a self-image that has nothing to do with anyone else. No mirrors. Could I build that independent self-image anyway? Probably. I’m bull-headed, smart, and have a good therapist. Should I? I don’t know.

And there is a completely reasonable part of me that points out that there are no wrong choices, and either way I’ll learn, and if I regret my decision, I can make a different one later on. And there is another part, also reasonable, that points out that if I choose to ignore my curiosity, I am stifling a core personality trait because I want to be in a relationship, and that sets the clock ticking on us, too.

But I feel really—cheated, by the very fact that I’m considering this. I feel like this is my chance to have what I’ve been longing for this last…almost a year. I’m in love with him, which feels silly to say because I’m not great at unconditional love and anyway I’m only seventeen. But—I am. He is one of the most precious people in the world to me and I enjoy this, dammit. I’m allowed. Why should I have to give it up in the very moment I realize I don’t want to?

For the record, were we to break up, we would take some time off and then reconnect as friends, with the possibility (not expectation) of romance in the future. I think this could be a case of the right person at the wrong time. So it’s not as though I’ll lose him; he has a place in my life no matter what. But—again—I want to be with him. I also want my relationship with him to be right for me and I’m scared that it might not be. I need to do what’s right for me, and I have my fingers crossed that what’s right and what I want will align, and if they don’t I’m going to be heartbroken.

I don’t know what will end up being right for me. I’m posting here because I want someone to help keep me accountable and make sure I give it the thought it’s due. Also, if I’m honest, I really need to rant to someone. Journaling is one thing, but it’s lonely just arguing with myself.

Can anyone offer…I don’t know. Perspective? Thoughts? Encouragement?

[Heather]

You know, my biggest sense in reading this -- and this is coming from all of what you have said here, how you both seem to be feeling, what I know about relationships at this time of life and from my gut -- is that you both might possibly be in a space where you're feeling like it may be time to move on or try something else. In a word, I wonder if you're both not just feeling this relationship, as it's been, having run it's course.

It sounds to me like taking a break and seeing how you each feel when you do might be a really good thing for both of you, no? It seems to me that gives both of you a chance to feel that out, and it sounds like a pretty safe situation for that. You're clear that you feel confident you two, both wanting to be in each other's lives, will find and make a way to be in each other's lives no matter what. That's great, because it gives you both the freedom to try things differently -- like taking some space, like maybe being platonic friends, etc. -- and see how those ways feel.

It also sounds like being single is something you're so nervous and fearful about, it's probably a good idea you fight that dragon sooner in life rather than later. IMO, you're awfully young to feel like being single is something to be worried about, or like you have to be in a relationship (not like there's ever a good age for that, mind). I agree with your feeling that it's probably time to claim and explore that and have it be a freedom, not a fear.

Everything I am hearing you say about your own thoughts and feelings sounds very honest and also very right to me. I always like to get outside opinions myself, so I get it, but I really think you can trust yourself here. Your sense of things sounds very on-point to me.

[gardenGnostic1]

I feel you, Heather, and thank you, as always. I think - you are probably right; this feels true to me. But I really don't want to go. I know we don't always get what we want, but...I don't want this relationship to have run its course. It's not because I'm afraid of being single - I probably am; I used to be, and if I think a fear I haven't confronted has gone away, I am lying to myself. It's because I'm afraid of giving up what I had with him. I still think I could have it.

And I know - if it's over, if the time is past, that will never happen. But that would make me kick myself for all the time we wasted - the time I wasted because I couldn't get past my fear, couldn't stand up for myself, couldn't admit that I wanted him, couldn't enjoy what was right in front of me. I still want him, and the way he laughs, and the way he dances a little as he walks, and the way he looks at me. I'll respect myself more if I don't cling on to something that's already over, but - I'm sick of goodbyes. You know? I still haven't fully said goodbye to my exes, with whom I will never speak again (I know, bad idea, I mean to), and I feel like I've spent a year saying goodbye to this boy every day. I don't want to. I want the time back, and I feel like - now, at the end of all this, I might have it. Like we might be able to enjoy each other again.

Is that crazy? Is that wishful thinking? So often when I think things like this they are wishful thinking.

A break might be sensible, but he suggested a full breakup, like not "my boyfriend and I are on a break" but "that is my ex-boyfriend now." Which...is not maybe too dissimilar from what you're saying, if I understand it right? I really don't want that. I - Maybe I'm scared of not being able to be affectionate with him anymore, and of what our mutual friends would think about what happened, and the weird moment I might have with the guy I turned down because I was interested in this one, who is now dating someone else, and how I feel like I've lost power and status, somehow, which is a really messed-up way to think about it - and I shouldn't let any of those things factor in. I know we'll be okay. But most of all I am scared of not being with my boyfriend anymore - not because I need him as a crutch, I don't think, but because I don't want our chance to have passed us by. I love him so much. I don't want to let go. I'd be okay, but I don't want to.

My mom, of all people (not knowing about what she was advising me), told me it was okay to pick the thing that would make me happy. Sometimes, she said, we do not have to take the most torturous, circuitous road to happiness. I just...don't want to stunt my growth. Or his. I - I love him enough to want him to be happy. Yes, I love him enough to let him go, I just don't want to believe that I need to!

Sorry. Lots of resistance. I'm going to definitely try and talk to my therapist, who knows me pretty well. I do want to trust myself, but...God, I'm going to miss this guy. Not like I don't miss him every day.

[Heather]

I'm so sorry that you're in the thick of this. I totally get how conflicted you feel, and I also get that ir might feel like none of your choices are great right now.

It's interesting to me you keep -- from my read -- talking about this relationship like you haven't already been in it: talking about missing chances, for instance, or like you were not actually in the relationship the whole time, but standing outside of it (" time I wasted because I couldn't get past my fear, couldn't stand up for myself, couldn't admit that I wanted him, couldn't enjoy what was right in front of me"). I'm curious what you think about that.

If you're open to it, I have some personal experience from over the last few years that I think might have some helpful bits in it for you. Okay if I share that with you?

[gardenGnostic1]

Hi, Heather.

Yes, I’d love to hear about your experiences. Thank you for volunteering to share them with me.

Before you do that, I owe you an apology. My post at the end of March was a kneejerk response. I’m allowed to have those, but I wish I hadn’t sent it, because I did ask for your thoughts. And then when you offered thoughts, I totally shut them down. You would have been within your rights to wash your hands of me until I was capable of being reasonable. I’m sorry.

Just in response to the other thing you picked up on, I do feel like I haven’t really been in this relationship. I spent almost a year questioning whether I wanted to be, often interacting with my preconceptions and fears rather than the person in front of me. Now I know I want to be with him and it feels like it’s too late. I want another chance, and I don’t think I get it, and that is breaking my heart. And no, it doesn’t really feel like any of my options are good—I want to stay, but I won’t do that at the price of my soul, and it feels too good to be true and, more relevantly, like it might just not be true that I could have both him and myself. So that sucks, but I feel a little better (though only marginally—no offense, it’s not personal) because you hear that it sucks. Thank you for listening to me.

[Heather]

I really appreciate you thinking about my feelings and my time, but it's okay. I didn't feel like you were rude to me or otherwise crummy in any way. I also totally understand that when people are here talking, it's usually about deep, loaded and touchy things. It's easy for me or anyone else who works here to rub up against a sore spot or respond in some other way that can...well, not land in the best way, too. So, I totally understand and accept people's responses being intense sometimes or prickly. I get it! We're all just doing our best for each other around here, staff, volunteers and users/readers/community members, and that's all anyone can ask of each other!

I also completely understood your response!

What I want to share is a little loaded *for me* so I'm going to have a little bit more coffee then swing back to this in an hour or so. Gotta brace myself for my own feels, a thing it sounds like you get.

[Heather]

Okay. (Deep breaths, me.)

My in some parts very personal super-long-story-short advice pretty much boils down to these things:
1) When it's really right, it actually feels right -- instead of being something where everyone involved has has a bunch of doubts or not-totally-feeling-its -- and when it's something with some history like this, if it's never felt quite right for everyone involved, that's probably because it isn't and won't be.
2) If something keeps feeling like it could be something great, but it keeps not actually being great, that's probably because it isn't going to be something great in that way.
3) Particularly for very creative and imaginative people -- like writers -- I think it's very easy to get wrapped up in the speculative possibilities of things and miss the realities staring us right in the face.
4) This might be the most important one: being attached to the something (and even more so, the mere idea of a something that hasn't actually been, but maybe could be) isn't the same as a thing actually being right for us.
5) Personally, I think the notion of meant-to-be love is bollocks. When things are right, it's usually about us meeting people in a context and at a time where we not only want the same or similar things, but also when we're in the right place in our own lives and personal development for them, and THEN when we both put in the effort people tend to need to to make an intimate relationship something wonderful and keep it that way.

Here's the longer story bit, though I'm going to keep it to bits that I think are most relevant to your situation.

I was with someone in a very emotionally and physically passionate relationship for a couple of years in college (that's three decades ago for me). They weren't honest with me about some things from the front, and once I found out about those things, what initially felt so meant-to-be began to feel questionable, and often stayed feeling that way. But I went ahead and went all-in with that relationship anyway because it just seemed like it was so *potentially* good, and our feelings were so strong that it surely was a thing I was "supposed" to be doing. Not that long after getting into it and going all in, that partner went away on something for themselves at a really inopportune time for me (I had a serious injury and illness that limited my mobility and caused me a good deal of chronic pain). At the time, the story was that they had planned this for a while, before we even got together, but I remember at the time thinking that it seemed like a pretty clear demonstration to me this person was kind of one foot out while I had both mine in, you know? And in truth, it was likely that in a few different ways over the next couple of years. I was doing a lot more in the relationship and for them than they were for it and for me, and while the relationship kind of took some things from me, or limited me in some ways, it provided a number of benefits and helps for them.

Ultimately, at the end of that time, a bunch of different things happened (including me experiencing the full whammy of PTSD from my assault history for the first time in my life), and I was also just feeling like while we both kind of had the *IDEA* our relationship was this big, meant-to-be wonderful thing, in reality, it didn't actually resemble that idea all that much. At the same time, both of us, in various ways, afterwards felt like we had missed out on something that could have been.

A handful of years later, we connected again, talked for a whole two days or so, thought we might get back together again, but that person wound up making a different choice and literally left me, without any word at all, in the lurch. This is all pre-social media or cell phones, so after trying to call a few times and sending a letter with no response, I gave up and let it go. At that point, I figured I was obviously wrong about us being a thing that should be a thing -- and I had been skeptical before then, but was then also pretty certain meant-to-be's, or the ideal of fated love, what have you, was clearly nonsense and I should have known better -- and moved on.

Fast-way-forward to around ten/eleven years ago. This is the part where I need to really abbreviate things because this phase spanned almost a decade. It's nice enough to be catching up, but nothing that seems super-special or changes my mind. But then we meet in person and it all seems very intense and very much like a thing, again. This other person is still very much in I-am-their-big-love-magic-person-soulmate space, even though their previous behaviour never seemed to match those apparent feelings well. I didn't go there -- but that it was obviously still very much A Thing was pretty undeniable and it felt like something I was supposed to pursue; that would be some big thing I would be blowing or missing if I didn't go for it. I struggled with a lot of it that was very much not right and didn't feel right, but ultimately the ways we did mesh and that feeling of "supposed to or else I lose out forever," and the idea that maybe, just maybe, this time it'd actually go right won out.

Spoiler alert: it didn't. That person really kind of only ever went all-in in the ways that served them (I'm not making you this person, btw, and me your other person, just FYI) and otherwise brought all the same stuff to the table that was brought the first time around, a lot of one-sided (on my part) real emotional intimacy, a lot of non-commitment (despite my limiting my life by making commitments), a lot of dishonesty (a good deal of which was because they often weren't honest with themselves), a lot of....not great stuff. I spent a lot of years working very hard on that relationship (which was often very lopsided when it came to effort I was making the other person wasn't), and a lot of time second-guessing myself (why did I feel so unloved, so detached in some ways, and so low a priority in something that this other person felt was meant to be?). If I hadn't become completely debilitated by very profound illness, injury and disability, and if the life I had built with this person hadn't been the only I also wanted very badly for myself, I don't think it would have gone on as long as it did. In the end, we split up (it was a looooooooong road to all-the-way splitting, taking about 3 years total, and only finally all-the-way ending about a year or so ago), and it's all been really quite awful. In fact, this is one of the only people I have ever had an awful breakup with, twice now: generally my breakups have been really amicable, even when they've been hard or sad for everyone involved. It's probably totally separate from how this is all potentially relevant to your situation, but truly, I actually deeply regret getting involved this last time around, and I am a person of many risks in life but very few regrets. I lost quite a lot in this -- emotional and otherwise -- and I think two of the things that make it all the hardest is looking back and seeing how often:
a) I didn't give my doubts and the parts of me that knew it wasn't the right thing for me the confidence I should have and
b) I stuck around even when it was starting to suck so bad because I kind of felt, I think, like I was backed into the corner of this other person's belief -- and probably my own desire for them to be right, because goodness knows meant-to-be love is a lot less complicated than have-to-find-and-make-it-yourself love -- about how we had to see this through because not to would be to miss out.

I think one thing in all this I very much do NOT regret is that I didn't stay in this the first time around, when I was so much younger and would probably have lived a very different, and more limited life. (I'd say the same might have been true for this other person, but they actually limited theirs without involving me in the years we were not together, so.) There's a lot I would have missed out on. I think there is plenty I did this last time around, it just feels a little less dire, I suppose, because I was in constant physical pain, bedridden, the whole world was falling apart (all of the last election here in the states and such) and a bunch of other things that would have had life sucking and would have limited my capacity no matter what.

There's no clear moral of the story here. Why I wanted to share some of this very personally vulnerable experience with you is because I thought you might be able to use it as one way of seeing how making your way into something big via FOMO and/or the sense it just MUST be -- even though it actually hasn't been despite everyone having the opportunity to make it so -- can have a lot of pitfalls.

I hear you being pretty clear about your feelings here, including your seemingly-most-clear feeling that despite wanting something to be a certain way, it probably shouldn't be that way. It sounds like this other person also has been trying to voice that same kind of clarity about thinking it's time to move on. I don't mean to project or be dramatic, but I felt that way a few times the last time I got into this thing, and boy, do I wish I had paid attention to myself, for everyone's sake, but especially mine.

But the other reason I bring this up is to illustrate that you may just get more than one chance. We got THREE so far, me and this other person. Mind, that doesn't mean that if and when you do you should try and get involved, but the point is that often the sense that something is a thing you have only one shot with is false: the world gets smaller and smaller the older you get, and it's amazing how many people from earlier in our lives keep showing back up. It sounds like both of you have some clear gut feelings now is a time to move on, or at least, to change the nature of your relationship to something different than it's been. I'd encourage you both to honor those feelings (and not just because I got burnt by not doing so myself last time). Maybe it will happen for the two of you that you'll get another shot to be involved in this way, later, and then you can see if it feels any different then. Maybe it'll turn out that deciding to have a different kind of relationship now actually gets you to what IS your *actual* right relationship for now: it could very well be that you two have an amazing friendship on the other side of your romance, for instance and *that's* a thing you might miss out on if you don't pursue it! Who knows.

But I think that you haven't been all the way in this when you could be, and now he doesn't seem to want to do that when he still could be AND you both talking the way you have been AND you saying some of the things you have, like not yet giving yourself the chance to experience single life at all yet make pretty clear this probably isn't something to keep pursuing in the same way. It also sounds to me like you, personally, might be more attached to the idea of what this could be than the actuality of what it's been and what it is. I suspect that you might actually have had good reasons not to go all-in beyond what you're seeing right now: our instincts are often smarter than we are, you know?

The good thing you guys have going on here that I didn't in this relationship of mine we're talking about is that it sounds like you two already have a really good friendship and probably are not risking not being in each other's lives at all. It seems pretty likely listening to you, and hearing you describe your conversations together, like that would only happen if and when THAT felt very needed and right to either one of you, you know? I think that the risks you'd be taking with breaking up sound likely to mostly be positive risks, including things like learning to say goodbye but still sustaining some kind of relationship you and someone else still want, learning to be confident on your own, and figuring out more of what you want.

That was a lot, I know, and I don't want to just load all that up and drop it, but I think I risk getting even more rambly if I don't, so for now, that's what I'm going to do. If it didn't help you at all, sorry for taking up so much bandwidth, and oh well! But I hope it did\, and I'm certainly happy to keep talking, if you'd like.