Bottom line is from experiences with rape/assault, I have started feeling very degraded and objectified during sex with my current boyfriend. My ex raped me after he found out i had cheated on him, and it was very traumatic because he was the first person id ever actually felt comfortable with after being raped when i was younger. Even as a kid when i first learned about intercourse(penetration specific) I felt disgusted and vulnerable. I'm very perfectionist, i never feel like im good enough, and i felt the need to study sex, to learn to be good at it. So i started watching porn, and got even more disgusted by sex. It looked so aggressive and degrading. It looked like my sexual assault. Basically, Ive always felt a sense of shame and disgust with sex.
Now im dating someone else, and at the beginning of the relationship, our sex life was great. i felt free and open to pretty much anything. We've started being long-distance, and i feel like its changed our sex life because when i do see him, it seems like he only cares about having sex, not connecting with me as a human. Lately ive started feeling kind of grossed out by sex. It feels degrading again, and whenever he tries to have sex with me i get really nervous and i feel like i cant tell him no. He tells me its completely ok if i dont want to have sex, and he wants me to tell him what i want. but im nervous, because a lot of the stuff we used to do, i am disgusted by now. and i dont want him to think that he was making me miserable the whole time, so i dont know what to tell him. I dont know what i like, because internally i always feel like im supposed to please him, and also i dont ever want him to feel pressured to do something. Because penetration doesn't do much for me right now. It seems like he likes the more aggressive sex, and right now i feel so degraded and objectified by that. Its just anytime im not facing him, or really just when i think about sex, i just keep feeling my ex's hand shoving my face into the bed. I dont know how to get past this. And when i try to talk to him about it he gets really upset and says he feels like i think hes a monster. I just wish i could start over and learn about sex from a fresh perspective. I dont know how to grow through this together. I dont like that I'm connecting past feelings to him, because he isn't degrading or rude in anyway, its just my internalized fears.