Is it bad sex or is it me?

[Tigger1]

Hi,

I’ve been having sex with my current partner and although I find her physically attractive. The sex isn’t doing much for me. I feel like I communicate enough during sex and we do talk about it a lot but as soon as anything actually happens between us, I find it really hard to enjoy it. I feel like she’s doing things to hard or to rough or not actually hitting the spots. When it happens I say ‘it’s hurting me’ or ‘I’m not liking this’ and then we get into a rhythm I do enjoy but then it reverts back to how it was and then I just feel like I’m repeating myself over and over and getting nowhere.
I’ve told her what I do and do not like, during the moment I say something feels good but I’ll also say something isn’t good too.
How many times would you communicate something isn’t good if the person you’re with goes back to it anyway?
Is it bad sex because we aren’t compatible?
Is it bad because I’m not into it enough?
Or is it just bad!
What else can I do to make it better for us?
She says there isn’t anything she would change about our sex life.
Thanks for the advise

[Heather]

Hey there, Tigger. I hope besides this issue that you've been doing well.

I don't think the framing of this question really works, so I'm going to go in a different direction with this.

I hear you saying that your partner expresses your sex life is exactly what she wants in every way. I hear you saying that you do not feel satisfied with sex with this person as a rule, not an exception. I hear you saying you have both done a lot of communicating, and that it helps momentarily, but not on the whole.

I'm wondering if you actually feel turned on with this person, and if you feel a real spark -- sexually, emotionally, physically -- with them. I hear you saying you find them attractive, but that's not actually the same as feeling sexually excited by and with someone and feeling real chemistry, things that we can't really make happen or do on purpose. Without those things, too, even sex that is exactly what we're asking for can feel dull or lackluster, and WITH those things, people can usually get away with a lot of "not quite right" technique and still have sex feel exciting and satisfying. Can you fill me in on this part of things?

Also, did sex with this person ever seem great to you? Have things changed over time, or has it always been like this? Lastly, have you told her what you're saying here to us? How did she respond? (I ask in part because I really hope that when you say you aren't ever satisfied with sex together, her response isn't that there's nothing she'd want to change.)

[Tigger1]

Hi Heather,

Yes apart from this issue I’m doing much better thank you! I hope things are good with you too?

I am turned on by her yes. A lot. Physically. Emotionally connected. She just gets me. She’s smart, funny and listens and I feel connected to her.

It hasn’t always been this way sexually. To start with it was spontaneous, fun, exciting, pleasurable, I wanted to go back for more! In the last couple of months or so it’s changed and although my feelings towards her haven’t changed the sex defininety has.

We have communicated a lot about our sex life the likes and dislikes of it. She says she’s left feeling satisfied after we’ve had sex but my sex drive is higher than hers so I’ll be asking if sex is a go and she won’t want to (although I don’t actually phrase it like that!)
She says our sex life is enough for her.
For me it’s just bad. I don’t feel like it’s spontaneous enough, i feel like it’s lost it’s spark somehow. Like she’s now only got the same few moves up her sleeve and some
Of those I just don’t like. Which I tell her.
I feel a little like it’s just rushed....
She says we have busy schedules but that didn’t seem to matter in the beginning!
But after all this I still feel like I wanna make an effort to fix (Fix is the wrong word but I hope you know what I mean) our current sex life because it’s doing nothing for me and I don’t feel like my sex drive is that high. Is she thinking this has run it’s course I wonder...:-/

Thank you for rephrasing the format of my post. It’s helpes untangle it a bit more I think.

[Heather]

They are, thanks for asking.

How long have you been in this relationship? I ask because I'm trying to figure out how much of this might be growing pains.

I am hearing some things in here that I think could be translated to some very clear, direct asks that might help, like:

• "Things keep feeling rushed, but I also like to be spontaneous. Can we set aside some times that we leave open figuring that they *can* be for sex if we want, times that leave enough time for it to feel like we can really take our time? When we don't use them for sex, we can use them for other ways of being together.
• "Can we try some different techniques than we've been doing: can we mix it up a little? Like how about <then you say some ways/things you have been wanting to try>?"
• "I feel like when something doesn't feel good, and I say so, and ask you to change it up, you do, but then quickly go back to doing what didn't feel good. Do you have any ideas about how we can sort this out?"

How do those things sound as some places to start?

[Tigger1]

Hey,

Thanks for the reply.

It’s been 6months now although I was alone abroad for a month of that.

The suggestions you’ve made sound do-able! I do want to try!

[Heather]

Okay. So, I would also say you're getting to the stage in a relationship where sex often WILL start to feel different. It often will *not* feel as sparky, or not in the same way it did earlier: you can stay sparky, but not usually in the same way.

In other words, the good news is that some of this probably is growing pains, and so long as you two can keep communicating and make some adjustments, this is can potentially be no more than just a usual bump in the road.

[Tigger1]

That’s awesome news! Well not awesome in the sense that it’s not great sex! But awesome in the sense that it seems this could be a bump and that its possible it isn’t going to be forever!
I will take on board the suggestions from your earlier post and communicate with her about how we might get to a stage where it’s pleasurable for both of us.

When you say it can stay sparky but not in the same way. What do you mean? Sorry I’m not understanding that part.
Am I expecting too much by wanting more spark like at the beginning? Spontaneous rather than planned/rushed.

Thank you

[Heather]

You know, I can't believe I haven't already written an article about this, but I haven't, so here goes!

Generally, it seems to me there's a fairly common pattern in many new sexual relationships, where first you start out with a bunch of new relationship energy -- with limerence, crushiness, big emotional and sexual sparking, whatever you want to call it. Then, later on -- could be in a few weeks, could be months, depends -- you start to actually learn and be able to do more of what each person likes sexually, because that learning process takes some time. Those things combined make a pretty intense peak, and then that new relationship energy starts to chill out some. Then there are maybe fewer and few new sexual discoveries to be had, and less to be learned. And then you're kind of here.

If the whole context of "here" (your relationship and where it's at) is good, this doesn't have to be a big loss because you're starting to get other things you didn't have before, like increased comfort really being yourself, including sexually, and finding whole new things you both like together that you wouldn't have without the increased comfort and time together you have, and so forth. So, when I say it's different, I just mean it's both made of different things than it once was, but also that it doesn't feel the same way (I'd describe a lot of brand-new sexual relationships as having a sharpness to them that often gets smoother in time, and that both the sharpness and the smoothness offer good things). Make sense?

So, yeah, if you want a relationship to always be how it is when it was brand new, that isn't a realistic expectation. Relationships shift and change over time, including in that way. Same goes with things being spontaneous: you usually have to essentially make that yourself more as a relationship goes on, like by doing at least the planning to make time for an otherwise spontaneous bout, or by having what's spontaneous not be the same things as earlier on. Like, instead of it being unexpected you have sex in the first place (after a while, you obviously are not going to be so surprised), what the surprise is is in *what* you do or *how* you do it.

[Tigger1]

I’m sorry I asked something you hadn’t written about

I understand what you’re saying about the beginning of a relationship being sharp and that can wear off over time. I am comfortable with her, in a lot of ways.

As for the spontaneity what I mean is that when we first started out we were having sex daily. More often on occasions. Now though, it happens once a week on the same day of the week. I don’t feel like we are at the stage where we only have sex on birthdays or anniversaries if you know what I mean. If I initiate it any other time I get told she’s not in the mood or she’s too tired. So I feel like the sex I’m having is kind of forced because there is no surprise as to when it will happen. Then when it’s bad or she does the same few things I’m not into, it feels disappointing.

If it’s possible to become too comfortable, I’m guessing having the open conversations about likes, dislikes, wants etc is the best way forward?!

Could an age difference or in-experience also play a part in it? As in the things we do together not changing or being mixed up. The lack of desire apart from that one day a week. Schedules don’t conflict that much that we can’t fit in another time or whatever during the week.

Sorry - asking things on here makes it easier to phrase things to her and also understand if what I’m feeling is valid.

Thanks

[al]

Hi Tigger,

Having been on the other end of the exact conversation that Heather's having with you (re: what it's like to have sex in a relationship that's a little more long-term, and how the way it feels changes over time), I think that what you're talking about in terms of spontaneity is absolutely a part of the process of a relationship based on mutual time and trust. Things tend to slow down a bit physically, not necessarily because you're losing interest in or attraction to each other, but rather because you're sharing other intimate and vulnerable parts of your lives with each other as well.
For example, sharing your schedule; relying on each other for emotional support; spending more time together that isn't sexual; voicing your concerns; making plans for the future together; those are all ways to be close and intimate with someone that aren't inherently sexual, but still can still be an expression of intimacy and care for someone else.

Like Heather said, I wonder how much of what you're feeling right now is about what you came into this relationship expecting. When you first met your current partner, did you think that it would last as long as it has, or become this "serious"? What do you think has led to things lasting as long as they have, and how do you feel about it?

Also, speaking from personal experience, "mixing things up" is a really, really good way to gather more information about how sex with your partner feels. If you talk about shaking things up with your partner, you try something new together (like massage! like sex in a different physical space! like a different type of sex!), and you still get the same feeling of dissatisfaction, then it might be time to evaluate again. Does that make sense?

You mentioned an age/experience difference - could you speak more about that?

[Tigger1]

Hi Al,

No, I didn’t come into this relationship thinking it would last this long and I certainly didn’t expect it to become ‘serious’ I didnt think it would last because people kept telling me it wouldn’t. So I guess in the beginning I was just having fun with it and now it got to the stage where it’s serious and that’s a little freaky. Although it’s freaky in a good way, unexpected ways.
I do love spending time with her doing no sexual things and just being together. We’ve experienced a lot of things together and I’m comfortable just being in the same room as her doing nothing in particular! I think it’s lasted as long as it has so far because I’m actually into her as a person. We connect in a lot of different ways.

Yes, what you are saying about mixing things up makes sense. As well as reevaluating.

Age difference and experience - I am nearly 32. She is in her 50’s. This is my first real ‘proper’ relationship with a woman. I haven’t had many sexual partners especially woman and so I’m wondering if my experience or lack of it, has played a part in it. I’m still not overly sure of how to mix things up because I’m still not sure what I like as much as what I don’t or that I’m not willing to even contemplate. We’ve had many discussions about different things in the last few Months and I am wondering if at the beginning it was fresh and exciting and more often because we were getting to know each other as a couple but also because I was getting to know what I liked or disliked. For me it was all new! Now that’s turned into the general relationshipness which is good and it’s nice to feel comfortable with someone. Yet I’m still wanting to spread my sexual wings and learn more whereas she’d rather have a cup of tea and read her book.

Thanks

[Siân]

Hi Tigger,

It sounds like your relationship has a lot of good, happy, comfortable things going for it!

You say you have had a lot of different discussions about things, I'm guessing this includes the sexual part of your relationship? In general, how easy have you found it to express the things you want and need? Do you feel heard when you do? You say your girlfriend feels satisfied with the sex you have together, how does she respond when you say you don't?

Heather made some suggestions further up of specific asks:

I am hearing some things in here that I think could be translated to some very clear, direct asks that might help, like:

• "Things keep feeling rushed, but I also like to be spontaneous. Can we set aside some times that we leave open figuring that they *can* be for sex if we want, times that leave enough time for it to feel like we can really take our time? When we don't use them for sex, we can use them for other ways of being together.
• "Can we try some different techniques than we've been doing: can we mix it up a little? Like how about <then you say some ways/things you have been wanting to try>?"
• "I feel like when something doesn't feel good, and I say so, and ask you to change it up, you do, but then quickly go back to doing what didn't feel good. Do you have any ideas about how we can sort this out?"

Have you tried any of these? How did it go? A lot of questions I know! What I'm trying to get a feel for is whether this is something you both have an interest on working on together, or if there is something else going on here.

[Tigger1]

Hi,

Im not the best when talking about sex with her or anyone really but I’m getting much better and feel more able to express myself in the conversations we’ve had previous as a couple.

We had a conversation where I asked her some of the things Heather suggested, I asked if we could set aside some time each week just for us, where we could do things together as a couple that didn’t feel rushed or forced and if it wasn’t the case that we had sex during that time then it could be used for something else couply. Which she said she liked the idea of. Time just for us.

We spoke about mixing things up in the sexual side of our relationship, I explained that I wanted to try some new things together and see how they turn out, if we don’t try then we will never know. She suggested that perhaps I went shopping for some toys because she thinks it would benefit me to solo play.

She says there are a few things she’d like to try out and we are looking into doing these too!

I mentioned her doing things that I’m just not that into as heather suggested and as a response I was told that I’m probably not sure what I want/like and perhaps we could go out for dinner instead of this weeks usual sex session because she’s really not in the mood. In the end this turned into a bit of an argument and I haven’t spoken to her since becaus eim just not sure what to say!

[Mo]

I'm glad you were able to bring these issues up with her, although it sounds like her responses were pretty mixed in terms of how receptive she was. For her to hear you say that you don't like something and respond with "you don't know what you like" is dismissive and honestly pretty disrespectful.
When you do wind up talking next - and certainly before the next time you have sex - I think it's worth bringing that up again, and asking her to respect your preferences when you share them with her. It's certainly ok if you want to take some time before you talk to her again after your argument, or if you aren't sure what to say yet.

[Tigger1]

Hi Mo,

I am gonna take some time to think because I’m actually pretty hurt by her comment. I’m aware of my likes and dislikes. I feel like I’ve voiced them enough both during sexual activities and outside of them.
I feel like what I said to her didn’t go in. Like she wasn’t listening and that kinda sucks. I just wanted to make the sexual side of our relationship better for both of us. Even if our sex drives are different, surely that doesn’t mean neither of us can spread our wings and mix it up a little bit?! I tried to explain what I think she should try together and was told to do it solo more! Then to tell me I’m not sure what I like is just wrong. I’m hurt by her comments and I’m still not sure what to say to her! I’m working away for a few days now so I’ll have some time to mull it over .

Thanks

[Sam W]

Hi Tigger,

I think mulling it over for a few days is a sound call! When you're thinking about how to bring this up with her, it sounds like being honest about what hurt and why may be the direction to go, and then you can see how she reacts to that. It also sounds like there may be a bigger conversation here between you two about how you each view trying new things in a sexual context and whether your approaches to that are compatible. Does that make sense?

You may also want to give this article a read, since it has a lot of useful advice on how to resolve conflicts in a relationship: How to Clash With Love: Some Conflict Resolution Basics

[Tigger1]

Hi,

Thanks for all of your advise.
We had a very honest conversation.which didn’t go how i’d Expected! Or how I wanted it to really!

We have parted ways.

It Will probably feel better in time but right now feels raw and I feel hurt.

Tigger

[Sam W]

Hi Tigger,

I'm sorry to hear the conversation didn't quite have the ending you wanted. Even when breaking up is ultimately the best choice for the people involved, it can still hurt quite a bit. If you haven't seen it before, we have an article that does a really thorough job of helping you find ways to cope in the midst of a breakup: Getting Through a Breakup Without Actually Breaking