Heather wrote:Those were some big shares. Thanks for trusting me with all of that.
Honestly, hearing all of that extra context, none of this is surprising to me. I'm going to bounce around a little bit with some things: feel free when I'm done to ask me to say more about any of these things or to talk with me about them.
Above and beyond all else, masturbation -- or sex of any kind with partners -- usually doesn't feel good if we're not sexually aroused or excited. Sometimes it not feeling good can be about physical pain, other times it can be about sensitive parts feeling like...well, like just nobody is home. Being aroused (and what happens because of arousal, very much including with blood flowing to the genitals) is a big part of what makes the genitals so sensitive and responsive: when we're not, any touch can just feel more like having a medical exam, if you follow me. Genitals are full of sensory nerve endings, yes, but so are your lips and fingertips, to give you an idea of how something full of nerve endings can feel very sensitive sometimes, but other times, like a whole lotta nothing.
Emotionally sex or masturbation when we don't feel turned on can also not feel good, and it can be not good in the same ways as physically -- something that can be about pain, other times it can be about just feeling tuned out.
As well, sexual abuse/trauma -- and all the more so the earlier it happens in life -- can tend to have a real impact on our sexuality, including how our bodies or minds sexually respond. It can also make us feel like we have some kind of general obligation to be sexual or do sexual things. If you haven't ever noticed an impact from it before, it may be that this stuff was some or even all impact from that. We don't have to have clear memories of something to still hold trauma from it. Can I ask if you have ever had any counseling or therapy around this?
I don't think having sex with people you aren't into offers you any kind of beneficial life experience, or "sexual experience." All that really is likely to do is sour you on the idea of sex, potentially add some more trauma to your plate (because usually, having sex with people we're not into feels pretty gross, and if it doesn't fee like anything, that might be because someone is dissociating or otherwise tuning out, which also adds more trauma, as well as having some other impacts). You're not going to learn anything in there that gives you useful, beneficial information about your sexual self or about sex with other people, you know? These experiences won't offer you anything that will be useful if and when you are with a partner you ARE into and do really want to be with. I'd strongly encourage you to stop doing that to yourself, and to make a pledge to yourself that you aren't ever going to have sex with someone again unless you really want to have sex with them and feel really into them.
It also sounds like -- and this might be partly because of the impacts of the emotional abuse you talked about, but this can also just be how a person is in terms of their sexuality -- you might just be someone who is more sexually excited with, or at least with the thought of, a partner, rather than by yourself. So, especially because you also have a couple other challenges in the mix already,it might just be that for now, masturbation isn't going to be something that offers you much or even feels wanted.
That's a lot all at once, I know, so why don't I let you take this in and you can let me know where you want to take any of this from here?
Hi Heather,
“Sensitive parts feeling like nobody is home” is the perfect way of describing how it feels when I try to pleasure myself. It’s very frustrating especially considering how natural it supposedly is.
I just wonder how it is that other women are able to feel aroused enough for masturbation to feel good and I’m consistently not. Am I just not as easily aroused?
What I do remember from the abuse was that I found it a bit painful and uncomfortable so could it be, as a result, I associate stimulating my vulva with discomfort rather than pleasure?
And I’ve never had therapy and counselling for it.
Yeah to be honest, it isn’t nice having sex with guys you aren’t interested in. It’s a very draining feeling - you feel like they’re feeling everything they’re “supposed” to and you’re not getting anything out of it. I won’t do that anymore - it’s just that I don’t know when I’m finally going to find someone I really love and care about who loves me too. Sometimes it feels like it’s never going to happen.
And I think you’re probably right that I’m most likely the kind of person who is more sexually excited with a partner than on my own. Because otherwise I would have been able to feel aroused on my own by now, right?
So are other women who masturbate normally aroused beforehand? I always just assumed that masturbation was what was supposed to get you in the mood. So how do most women who masturbate get aroused in the first place - I feel like that’s a step that I’m definitely missing.
Thank you for your help - it’s been very insightful.
I wish I knew what to do - I feel it would be such a shame if I’m just not able to feel pleasure through masturbation as I’m not in a relationship and I don’t know when I’m going to be in one. I feel like I’m missing out on something.
Do you have any tips on how I could get myself to feel more aroused? Or is this something that’s supposed to come naturally on its own?