I’m 24 and don’t feel sexual pleasure

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Marcella12345
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I’m 24 and don’t feel sexual pleasure

Unread post by Marcella12345 »

I am 24 years old and am worried that there’s something wrong with my vagina/vulva/clitoris. And more specifically that I am unable to feel sexual pleasure in that area.

I have tried masturbating for years - using different vibrators and lube, different methods. I’ve tried fantasising. I’ve tried stimulating different parts of my vulva but nothing seems to work.

I am 24 and not only have I never experienced an orgasm, I also just don’t feel pleasure when I touch myself there.

As much as I don’t want it to be true, I feel like there must be something physically wrong down there.

I mean, I’ve always heard that there are thousands of pleasurable nerve endings down there so how could I not feel anything nice? Could it be that they’re damaged somehow?

But talking to my female friends about it, they seem to think that it’s a psychological thing. I got the impression they just couldn’t comprehend how it could be a physical thing. It’s the most natural thing in the world to feel pleasure when stimulating your vulva right?

One friend suggested it wasn’t a physical thing because that would be like, for instance, touching your nose and not being able to feel that sensation i.e. not very likely. Another friend suggested that maybe I wasn’t feeling pleasure down there because I was masturbating as a chore rather than being genuinely aroused.

I really have very little sexual experience and have sadly never been in a relationship (although I would love to be in one). I actually only lost my virginity when I was 22 during a one night stand. I have had sex with other guys since then and have never enjoyed it. Unfortunately, none of the other guys that I’ve since had sex with were guys that I was attracted to or even knew that well. Penetration always felt painful and uncomfortable.

Weirdly enjoy I don’t think I have any issues getting wet especially from cuddling and my body being caressed. But I just don’t feel any kind of special feeling down there.

I can understand why I haven’t enjoyed the sex I’ve had because I didn’t really like any of the guys but why is that I can’t get myself off after years of trying?
Heather
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Re: I’m 24 and don’t feel sexual pleasure

Unread post by Heather »

Hey there, Marcella. I'm sorry to hear you're struggling with this.

There are just a few pieces of information missing for me in this that I feel like I need in order to know the best route for helping you and the right answers to your questions. Can you fill me in first on:

1) When you are trying to masturbate, is that something you're choosing to do -- however you choose to do it -- because, at the time, you feel very sexually aroused/excited?
2) Do you have any kind of trauma in your history, like any kind of abuse (including sexual abuse, but not only that), or growing up with any kind of sexual shaming, like religion-based shaming?
3) Have you experienced sexual pleasure from other parts/areas of your body being touched? If so, is anything different -- in the event you have tried like this -- when you start all of this by first being sexually excited, then touching body parts areas you get a lot of pleasure from and only THEN touching your genitals?
4) Can you also tell me about what's got you picking people to be sexual with you're not into at all, sexually or, from the sounds of it, otherwise? Why do you think this is something you keep choosing to do, especially since you already know that you don't enjoy it?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
Marcella12345
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Re: I’m 24 and don’t feel sexual pleasure

Unread post by Marcella12345 »

Hi :) thank you for getting back to me!

1) I’ve never actually masturbated as a result of being aroused. Masturbation has never been something that I felt naturally drawn to. I just did it because I knew it was a normal thing that everyone does and wanted to be able to orgasm and feel pleasure like everyone else.
I don’t know if it’s because I’ve always been single but I just don’t get aroused very easily. I do know that when I’m cuddling with someone or my body is caressed I enjoy the feeling and get quite wet as a result.

2) I definitely experienced emotional abuse from my dad. He was very aggressive and dictatorial and I was very intimidated by him and this had a massive impact on my self-confidence.
Also when I was 6, I was sexually abused by a builder who decorated our new house. I didn’t mention it earlier because I didn’t think that would have been the reason. It was an incident that I remember very vaguely. All I remember was that he asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend and I guess I must have said yes and that my pants were off on the bed while he touched my vulva with his fingers. I remember finding it very uncomfortable. But because at this point, my memory of it is so vague, it’s never something that I saw as particularly traumatic.

3) I have noticed that being touched, kissed, and caressed on my body feels nice and that it gets me wet when done by a partner. When I have tried touching other parts of my body on my own I haven’t felt all that much pleasure.

4) Unforunately, I’ve never found anyone where the attraction has been mutual. The only guys that like me are guys I’m not interested in or attracted to and the guys that I’ve liked have never been interested in me.
I guess I just feel that I should have more experience than I do. I mean, I hope to be in a relationship with someone I really like one day and I can’t just go through my twenties never having any sexual experience.
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Re: I’m 24 and don’t feel sexual pleasure

Unread post by Sam W »

Hi Marcella,

This detail is all super-helpful, thank you! From what you're describing, it sounds like there are a couple of different things that are likely causing this lack of pleasure. Trauma from abuse is certainly one, and things like being sexually abused, even if you're were very young at the time and don't remember it, can cause difficulties when you try to be sexual with yourself or others later on (trauma is often stored in the body, so even if your mental memory of the incident isn't very strong, your body may remember the incident much more strongly). If you're interested, we could talk about a few tools and resources you could investigate to see if addressing the trauma helps with your ability to experience pleasure.

If you're not aroused mentally when you try masturbating, it's unlikely to feel particularly good. Our brains are our biggest sexual organ, so if they're not excited and engaged in what's happening it's unlikely to feel super pleasurable (if you're interested in learning more about that, this is a great starting place: Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide ) . While it's true most people masturbate, it's certainly not a required activity, and if you want to experiment with it you get to only try it at those times when you feel aroused. With the things that bring you arousal from partners, are there elements that you feel are missing when you try those things by themself?

Can you tell me a little more about why you feel like you can't go through your twenties without having any sexual experience with other people?
Heather
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Re: I’m 24 and don’t feel sexual pleasure

Unread post by Heather »

Those were some big shares. Thanks for trusting me with all of that.

Honestly, hearing all of that extra context, none of this is surprising to me. I'm going to bounce around a little bit with some things: feel free when I'm done to ask me to say more about any of these things or to talk with me about them.

Above and beyond all else, masturbation -- or sex of any kind with partners -- usually doesn't feel good if we're not sexually aroused or excited. Sometimes it not feeling good can be about physical pain, other times it can be about sensitive parts feeling like...well, like just nobody is home. Being aroused (and what happens because of arousal, very much including with blood flowing to the genitals) is a big part of what makes the genitals so sensitive and responsive: when we're not, any touch can just feel more like having a medical exam, if you follow me. Genitals are full of sensory nerve endings, yes, but so are your lips and fingertips, to give you an idea of how something full of nerve endings can feel very sensitive sometimes, but other times, like a whole lotta nothing.

Emotionally sex or masturbation when we don't feel turned on can also not feel good, and it can be not good in the same ways as physically -- something that can be about pain, other times it can be about just feeling tuned out.

As well, sexual abuse/trauma -- and all the more so the earlier it happens in life -- can tend to have a real impact on our sexuality, including how our bodies or minds sexually respond. It can also make us feel like we have some kind of general obligation to be sexual or do sexual things. If you haven't ever noticed an impact from it before, it may be that this stuff was some or even all impact from that. We don't have to have clear memories of something to still hold trauma from it. Can I ask if you have ever had any counseling or therapy around this?

I don't think having sex with people you aren't into offers you any kind of beneficial life experience, or "sexual experience." All that really is likely to do is sour you on the idea of sex, potentially add some more trauma to your plate (because usually, having sex with people we're not into feels pretty gross, and if it doesn't fee like anything, that might be because someone is dissociating or otherwise tuning out, which also adds more trauma, as well as having some other impacts). You're not going to learn anything in there that gives you useful, beneficial information about your sexual self or about sex with other people, you know? These experiences won't offer you anything that will be useful if and when you are with a partner you ARE into and do really want to be with. I'd strongly encourage you to stop doing that to yourself, and to make a pledge to yourself that you aren't ever going to have sex with someone again unless you really want to have sex with them and feel really into them.

It also sounds like -- and this might be partly because of the impacts of the emotional abuse you talked about, but this can also just be how a person is in terms of their sexuality -- you might just be someone who is more sexually excited with, or at least with the thought of, a partner, rather than by yourself. So, especially because you also have a couple other challenges in the mix already,it might just be that for now, masturbation isn't going to be something that offers you much or even feels wanted.

That's a lot all at once, I know, so why don't I let you take this in and you can let me know where you want to take any of this from here?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
Marcella12345
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Re: I’m 24 and don’t feel sexual pleasure

Unread post by Marcella12345 »

Sam W wrote:Hi Marcella,

This detail is all super-helpful, thank you! From what you're describing, it sounds like there are a couple of different things that are likely causing this lack of pleasure. Trauma from abuse is certainly one, and things like being sexually abused, even if you're were very young at the time and don't remember it, can cause difficulties when you try to be sexual with yourself or others later on (trauma is often stored in the body, so even if your mental memory of the incident isn't very strong, your body may remember the incident much more strongly). If you're interested, we could talk about a few tools and resources you could investigate to see if addressing the trauma helps with your ability to experience pleasure.

If you're not aroused mentally when you try masturbating, it's unlikely to feel particularly good. Our brains are our biggest sexual organ, so if they're not excited and engaged in what's happening it's unlikely to feel super pleasurable (if you're interested in learning more about that, this is a great starting place: Sexual Response & Orgasm: A Users Guide ) . While it's true most people masturbate, it's certainly not a required activity, and if you want to experiment with it you get to only try it at those times when you feel aroused. With the things that bring you arousal from partners, are there elements that you feel are missing when you try those things by themself?

Can you tell me a little more about why you feel like you can't go through your twenties without having any sexual experience with other people?

Hi Sam

Thanks for your reply!

I did wonder whether the sexual abuse had any impact on my lack of pleasure and from what you’ve explained, I guess that could be the case.

I would definitely be interested in learning which tools and resources could help with potential trauma which might have affected my ability to feel pleasure.

Yeah, I guess it makes sense what you said about it being difficult to feel pleasure if your brain isn’t excited. I just wonder why I consistently don’t feel aroused enough for masturbation to feel good. It does make me wonder how other women get aroused when they are masturbating and how it works for them.

To be honest just the idea of being aroused on my own is almost foreign to me. I feel like I would need someone who I really liked/was attracted to, to be physically intimate with me for me to feel turned on.

I guess because I’m 24 years old and the further I go in to my twenties, the more pathetic it seems if I don’t know what I’m doing when it comes to sex. When I do finally have a relationship, I don’t want to feel like a fish out of water when it comes to sex.
Heather
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Re: I’m 24 and don’t feel sexual pleasure

Unread post by Heather »

I have some things to say about these responses -- particularly about the idea that sexual "experience" is something people must have, or worse without, even if the only experiences available to them are crap -- when you have yet to have the opportunity but how about I hold them until/unless you have any questions or responses to what I posted to you, as well. :)
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
Marcella12345
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Re: I’m 24 and don’t feel sexual pleasure

Unread post by Marcella12345 »

Heather wrote:Those were some big shares. Thanks for trusting me with all of that.

Honestly, hearing all of that extra context, none of this is surprising to me. I'm going to bounce around a little bit with some things: feel free when I'm done to ask me to say more about any of these things or to talk with me about them.

Above and beyond all else, masturbation -- or sex of any kind with partners -- usually doesn't feel good if we're not sexually aroused or excited. Sometimes it not feeling good can be about physical pain, other times it can be about sensitive parts feeling like...well, like just nobody is home. Being aroused (and what happens because of arousal, very much including with blood flowing to the genitals) is a big part of what makes the genitals so sensitive and responsive: when we're not, any touch can just feel more like having a medical exam, if you follow me. Genitals are full of sensory nerve endings, yes, but so are your lips and fingertips, to give you an idea of how something full of nerve endings can feel very sensitive sometimes, but other times, like a whole lotta nothing.

Emotionally sex or masturbation when we don't feel turned on can also not feel good, and it can be not good in the same ways as physically -- something that can be about pain, other times it can be about just feeling tuned out.

As well, sexual abuse/trauma -- and all the more so the earlier it happens in life -- can tend to have a real impact on our sexuality, including how our bodies or minds sexually respond. It can also make us feel like we have some kind of general obligation to be sexual or do sexual things. If you haven't ever noticed an impact from it before, it may be that this stuff was some or even all impact from that. We don't have to have clear memories of something to still hold trauma from it. Can I ask if you have ever had any counseling or therapy around this?

I don't think having sex with people you aren't into offers you any kind of beneficial life experience, or "sexual experience." All that really is likely to do is sour you on the idea of sex, potentially add some more trauma to your plate (because usually, having sex with people we're not into feels pretty gross, and if it doesn't fee like anything, that might be because someone is dissociating or otherwise tuning out, which also adds more trauma, as well as having some other impacts). You're not going to learn anything in there that gives you useful, beneficial information about your sexual self or about sex with other people, you know? These experiences won't offer you anything that will be useful if and when you are with a partner you ARE into and do really want to be with. I'd strongly encourage you to stop doing that to yourself, and to make a pledge to yourself that you aren't ever going to have sex with someone again unless you really want to have sex with them and feel really into them.

It also sounds like -- and this might be partly because of the impacts of the emotional abuse you talked about, but this can also just be how a person is in terms of their sexuality -- you might just be someone who is more sexually excited with, or at least with the thought of, a partner, rather than by yourself. So, especially because you also have a couple other challenges in the mix already,it might just be that for now, masturbation isn't going to be something that offers you much or even feels wanted.

That's a lot all at once, I know, so why don't I let you take this in and you can let me know where you want to take any of this from here?
Hi Heather,

“Sensitive parts feeling like nobody is home” is the perfect way of describing how it feels when I try to pleasure myself. It’s very frustrating especially considering how natural it supposedly is.

I just wonder how it is that other women are able to feel aroused enough for masturbation to feel good and I’m consistently not. Am I just not as easily aroused?

What I do remember from the abuse was that I found it a bit painful and uncomfortable so could it be, as a result, I associate stimulating my vulva with discomfort rather than pleasure?

And I’ve never had therapy and counselling for it.

Yeah to be honest, it isn’t nice having sex with guys you aren’t interested in. It’s a very draining feeling - you feel like they’re feeling everything they’re “supposed” to and you’re not getting anything out of it. I won’t do that anymore - it’s just that I don’t know when I’m finally going to find someone I really love and care about who loves me too. Sometimes it feels like it’s never going to happen.

And I think you’re probably right that I’m most likely the kind of person who is more sexually excited with a partner than on my own. Because otherwise I would have been able to feel aroused on my own by now, right?

So are other women who masturbate normally aroused beforehand? I always just assumed that masturbation was what was supposed to get you in the mood. So how do most women who masturbate get aroused in the first place - I feel like that’s a step that I’m definitely missing.

Thank you for your help - it’s been very insightful.

I wish I knew what to do - I feel it would be such a shame if I’m just not able to feel pleasure through masturbation as I’m not in a relationship and I don’t know when I’m going to be in one. I feel like I’m missing out on something.

Do you have any tips on how I could get myself to feel more aroused? Or is this something that’s supposed to come naturally on its own?
Heather
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Re: I’m 24 and don’t feel sexual pleasure

Unread post by Heather »

For starters, this isn't about gender. Plenty of people of all genders don't feel sexual desire or pleasure, or haven't really found or experienced what does yet, or have sexual or other trauma blocking the way. This all is about you, not other people, but why other people are NOT having these issues is also diverse: some haven't had any sexual trauma, some feel a lot of sexual desire, some have learned what gives them pleasure and how to clear barriers to that, etc.

Again, this isn't specifically about women, but yes, it's safe to say that what's most common with people choosing to masturbate is that they feel a desire to be sexual; that they feel sexually interested, excited or already turned on in some way. Some people don't have that experience, some might set aside time to masturbate, for instance, and include time ahead of it, or while they start (or throughout) fantasizing to get excited, whether that's about their imagination or porn of some kind.

I doubt you will never experience sexual pleasure. But I do think you might have to do some things to get there. One of the easiest things you can do that will likely help some is to stop having ANY kind of sex you are not really feeling, with other people, for sure, but also alone. Sex is optional and about pleasure. If you're not feeling it, why do that? Why not do other things in life you ARE feeling? I swear, none of this is going to "catch you up" when it comes to sex, in part because there really is no such thing. It's not a race, and people of all ages have a wide diversity of sexual experiences and lack thereof.

You also may need to do some work around the abuse you've survived, both the sexual abuse and your family abuse. Have you ever done any work with that, like with a counselor or through some kind of bodywork (like therapeutic massage)?

You will also undoubtedly help yourself if you take the pressure off. Human sexual response tends to almost always retreat in the face of pressure: in other words, when people are under pressure with sex, even just in their own heads, it usually puts a big damper on desire, arousal and pleasure.

What about this: what do you think about ONLY doing the things that you know DO give you pleasure right now and not anything else? Like, if cuddling and other kinds of non-genital touch are exciting for you with others, if you have the opportunity to be with someone you're into, why not just do that for right now? And, if you're not feeling a thing for anyone right now, why not wait for that until you are?

It might help to know that on the whole, we "learn" how to be sexual with a partner mostly with that specific partner, and we kind of have to learn a LOT of things anew with every new partner. That's why a person can't really generally be ahead or behind sexually: because every new partnership is a lot like starting all over because we're all just so sexually different. Learning your OWN sexual responses is for sure a thing you can do, and plenty of that will carry over, but even then, you'd be amazed how many people don't like something sexual with one partner but find they love it with someone else. I'd also suggest that is probably even more the case for people like yourself, whose sexual desire tends to be very influenced by another person (a partner).
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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