Heather - Thanks for your reply. Yes, that makes sense. I suppose I just feel bad about my feelings toward pregnancy. Despite growing up in a rather overly sex-negative environment, pregnancy (within marriage, in their minds) was always held in high regard. So I felt wrong for feeling differently...and assumed the "parasite" thing was negative. But I suppose it is scientifically accurate!
Sam - I appreciate it so much that you understand...I really can't talk to many people in my life about this, much less speak and try to make sense of it all to them. I've tried talking about this with my partner a few times over the past month. He doesn't really know how to handle it since it's coming up mostly as an anxiety-ridden matter, and he's already stated that he can't really relate to that. I still want to pursue a relationship. I think when I made the decision to go ahead with intercourse, I somehow thought that meant we were in a relationship...And slowly over the next month I realized things hadn't magically changed because I chose to do that. Sex was just a thing we did and we are still "dating"; it didn't change that.
At the same time, I feel bad constantly putting my anxieties onto him. I know I have a disorder; I've been diagnosed in the past and have been on medication for a long time (though have since stopped). When I tried to explain that the experience we had continues to scare me/make me guilty, he said he was disappointed that I couldn't see it as a positive thing. I reassured him that I only want to see it that way. But something is holding me back. Additionally, I feel the constant need to apologize to him. A compulsion, even. I'm sure that makes him feel even more weird, honestly...
I'm going to re-read what you wrote here. And really make it try to sink in that I didn't betray myself, as you put it (that's exactly how I feel - you are highly perceptive!).
The good thing is, throughout the whole thing I felt like I could've told him to stop or do something different. He asked if everything was ok, and I do appreciate that. I feel that despite our experience of each other being still relatively new, he does care. I think I'm projecting a lot of negativity onto him right now because of those "shoulds" you mention."Shoulds" kind of go along with the whole idea of cognitive distortions...I always have this feeling that if I just THINK about it some more, I'll somehow solve it. But the thinking is actually going nowhere and only hurting. I guess it's truly rumination.
Sorry if my ideas are a little scattered; I truly appreciate you taking the time to read this.