Pain, Coping, Exes and Sex

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi,
So I'm the person from the Sexual Shame post who was struggling with feelings regarding a crush while in a relationship and other sexual shame feelings regarding their current partner.

About three weeks ago, right before my area's Pride, my partner and I broke up.

They couldn't give me attention (communicating/texting because we lived an hour away) due to their mental health and I really missed them and it hurt me not being able to speak to them and even being afraid to reach out to them outside of designated times during our break.

So we decided breaking up would be best for both of us.

Now after about three weeks I've tossed myself back into casual dating and hadn't had much luck there so far. That crush from the last thread isn't really that much of an interest anymore and I developed another small crush on someone who attends my GSA on my campus occasionally. To distract from those feelings because I know I can become annoyed over the anxiousness toward a crush I decided to go out to an LGBT+ nightclub for Halloween with my friends.

They were having a costume contest so one of my friends was entering while I dressed up as a low budget werewolf, hoping to dance and grind with some cute and have a good time.

I got more than I expected when one of my friends was my wingman and hooked me up with someone who I thought looked like a person who went to my high school.

Things escalated rather quickly than I would expect when we finally got close; they had a few drinks so I didn't really know if making any move was okay. They seemed very interested because they started to lick my neck when they got close enough to me and started to grip my flannel. At this point, my brain is going haywire. I have no idea what's going on or moreso I can't believe what's happening to me. I had asked about their drinking and they said they were fine to keep going; they also clarified that if I felt uncomfortable to let them know.

So at some point I kinda awkwardly ask to kiss them and they were okay so now I'm making out with this person on a club dancefloor with two of my three friends happily freaking out a few feet away from us.

(Again my brain was just like "What the f*ck is going on???????" during half of this because this was my first time to a club and I'm making out with a person I just met.)

Now because I notice this and felt embarrassed that my friends are happily freaking out I suggest we move away before things go further. We don't know exactly where to go so I suggest we go to the bathroom. Once we get into the stall we continue to kiss and then they start to strip themself down. At that moment, any and all panic in my brain goes directly to my mouth and when they stop stripping to ask if I'm okay with what's going on all my mouth can do is stutter or stammer out halves of words.

They clarified we didn't have to do anything if I don't want to and I finally get a coherent sentence out of my mouth.
I said it was fine and that all I wanted to do was kiss them and bascally keep my clothes on (so heavy petting basically?). I had never done anything like this before and let them know that and they said they have but that they were new to this as well.

From there we were grinding into one another and kissing a lot.
Soon after things lead to me picking them up and pinning them against a wall. After that we close the toilet and I sit there while they straddle me. Eventually I start to strip down (somewhat because it's hot and somewhat because I'm enjoying myself) so now I have no flannel and at some point no t-shirt on so I'm left in my binder and my jeans. They also lift up their dress to so I can grab their chest and I also notice they aren't wearing any underwear.

I feel mentally gone; I describe it as the twilight zone with still that vague feeling in my brain of "wtf are we doing" and "what's happening?!?!?". At some point I get my t-shirt to cover the toilet seat (I thought it was gross okay) and my jeans down because of the moisture from the other person. So now it's just a lot of dry humping with only my underwear and my packer separating us from skin to skin contact and they're (probably?) drunk from what I can tell. But still they were nice and said some genuinely sweet things (along some compliments I considered fun) to me in between kissing.

They said I had really pretty eyes and they weren't just saying that, that I made things worth the 3 years of bs they experienced, that I had a nice butt and that I was really good at what I was doing.

So at some point as things calmed down I asked if they'd like to go out with me on a date sometime and they said yes. Also my friends were looking for me so I finally left the bathroom with this person and partsof my costume. They kissed me goodbye and I shyly kissed them back since we had just found my friends and saod goodnight.

I got their number, texted them later on when I got home and they got home safe and said they hoped to see me again soon.

The next day I'm exhausted so I stop by a coffee shop and get some coffee before my class and also pick up some cake pops for my crush. I take the cake pops to her before going to class and in that span of time we then plan to see one another the day after (this past Friday).

Later on I get a message from the person I messed around with from the club.
That night we actually go out and I clarified to ask if it was/wasn't a date. They said it could be whatever and thay we could see where things go from there.

We get dinner, go to an arcade downtown and later on end up in a similar position similar to what happened during Halloween. The only difference was they took me back to their place.

Now I could tell and even admitted I really want to sexually explore with them but still feel torn about having sex with them and waiting for a committed relationship. They also asked me if I wanted to start dating them and because I didn't know how my crush felt about me at that time and that I'm about a month out of my previous relationship that I decided I wanted to be very casual and take things from there.

As for my crush, we established we'll have a friendship first and if anything escalates from there we'll let one another know. Our hang out Friday afternoon was spent discussing what we each seek out of relationships/friendships, our own trust issues and experinces with romantic and sexual attraction. I found out she was also polyamourous which isn't a deal breaker but is not quite ideal since I'm monogamous. I also found out she isn't particularly sure about her romantic orientation but she is aware she is pansexual but is only a virgin due to trust issues and having her own standards. So I let her know that if she wanted to mess around then I would be okay with that but for now we're to be friends and have boundaries based off of her request (which I'm alright with).

So overall I'm in a position where I could wait on a potentially "safer" option to have sex with someone without necessarily being in a relationship with them. My crush who is now my friend would be someone I would want to have that first time with but they would be a longer wait. The person from the club instinctually makes me more nervous to have my first time with even though I do achknowledge that I would like to have sex with them too.
However that nervousness is also what keeps me from having sex with that person and even moving forward into something more than casual with them.

There are also parts of me misses my former partner, other parts want to just move on to another person in a relationship and another part that simply just wants to have fun, f*ck and forget the pain entirely (or quite simply not be a virgin anymore as though this is somehow holding me back for some reason).

This morning, I also found myself realizing that despite all the fun I'm having with these people that I still find myself hurting and crying over my ex and that's again another reason why I don't feel like having any sort of sex right now is a good idea, no matter how tempting.

I don't know if any of these things tie back to my sexual shame and my upbringing with sex and how I "should" lose my virginity. It all just feels uncomfortable and I guess that I would feel as though it would be unlike me to lose my virginity to someone I hardly know. Not to mention I feel that trust issue coming up because I've only known this person a week. A part of me also feels if I had just had sex with my previous partner instead of having some sort of six month rule that I may not be struggling with this so much at the moment.

So yeah there is a lot to unpack here but the simple part is, am I even ready to have sex? Emotionally and mentally? I'm 19 (20 pretty soon-ish) and my potential (sexual) partner(s) are 20 and 23 so age seems okay and not that large of a factor. The older of the two and I had a talk about safety and they're totally ready and willing to get tested and practice safe sex as well as the person closer to my age.

The friend is definately not guranteed of course but if the situation arises at some point I still don't know if I'll be ready to actually have sex even though I can tell I want sex. The same goes for the person from the club (which that sort of panic is happening currently since they are completely open to having sex with me but also open to dating me).

So yeah a bunch of smaller questions buzz around my head like:
Is now a good time to explore this? Is any of this a bad idea? Am I overthinking or am I not thinking enough and just plainly being reckless?

I don't really know what to do anymore because I want to have fun but I also don't want to make a mistake and regret doing it.

Anyway, any and all help would be appreciated, thank you!

[Siân]

Hi again BuddyBoi,

Breakups can be tough, even if we know it's for the best. How are you holding up? It's ok if you need a bit of time to grieve and process.

It sounds to me like you're exploring some things that do feel good right now, but are worrying about what those might turn in to - does that sound about right? If so, then I wonder why you're feeling the need to make decisions right now about what these relationships might be and whether they are going to include sex. It sounds like you are doing a good job of communicating with your friend/crush and your date from the club where you are at, so maybe you need to give yourself some time to figure out what feels good to you? Could you carry on hanging out, sharing what it means to you and not need it to be any specific thing right away?

Just after a breakup it's common to feel confused and conflicted and need to figure everything out straight away but it's ok to let it be a bit messier than that, as long as you treat the people around you with consideration and respect. I don't think you're being reckless, giving yourself breathing room is no bad thing.

When it comes to whether you're ready for sex, we have a whole article on that here: Ready or Not? The Scarleteen Sex Readiness Checklist. In particular, how do you feel about these two questions:
- Do I want to have this kind/these kinds of sex for myself, physically, emotionally and intellectually?
- Do I want to do this at this time, in this setting, with this particular person? Does the other person want to do what we're going to now and with me?

I know you have struggled with shame around sex, and it's not going to go away over night, but I would suggest that it needs to be something you feel able to manage. What do you think?

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Siân,

To answer your first question; things still kind of hurt and feel weirdly numb. A part of me doesn't feel anything and I'm perfectly fine but every now and again I just see something small that reminds me of them and burst into tears.

It feel like my grieving has been coming in waves rather than all at once and I sort of wish the pain coul be done and over with.

At this point I'm exploring what feels good and I'm just nervous I'll become too attached or something will happen to me no matter what I do to try and protect myself or that sexual partner.

I don't really that care much for being in a legitimate relationship or not with either of these people. I just feel like that if I act on being horny that it might lead me to get hurt or regret it (at least some portion of me feels this way). But yes, I've established with both people that hanging out casually or simply as friends would work best.

I feel like I follow most of the criteria but a part of me feels like I shouldn't because wanting to feel good and have fun with a person I find attractive in that context doesn't seem like a good enough reason to me. And I strongly feel like this craving is a mixture of craving affection and sexual satisfaction. The friend from the club is not only ready and willing but also excited and I know part of myself feels mutually. Other parts though feel nervous because I fear regretting it or getting an STD/STI even if I get checked and practice safe sex. I don't know if that's the sexual shame talking or just general fear and confusion.

Everything just feels overwhelming and I'm not entirely sure what ro do which is why I'm here again.

If you need me to clarify anything, let me know. Thank you!

[Heather]

Just stepping in, having read your post, to give a quick two cents from me if you want it.

It does sound like probably a lot of this is too fast for you right now. You did JUST have a breakup, and you are clear that you are very much still grieving. It also sounds like you're not even totally sure how you feel about casual, sex, or casual sex right now, or sex with this person, or anything with this person right now beyond your feelings of sexual desire and probably curiosity (both of which are totally fine to have!). You talk about feeling afraid and confused a few times: those two things alone are total red lights in my book: yellow, at the very least. It sounds to me like you'd probably feel better at least getting a sense of that first, and also probably at least taking a little more time to be further along in dealing with and getting over this breakup.

You totally can tell one or both of these people that you want or need more time like that, by the way, and chances are good they'll get it and be cool. You can probably even pick up this new thing again in a little bit if it turns out you decide you want to, feel ready and do feel good about it.

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Heather!,

This makes sense and these potential partner(s) would be respectful of my boundaries. I guess the bigger problem is I'm having fun and I sort of want to get caught up in that fun and sexual curiousity and forget about whether or not a relationsip should be commited and just go have sex. I sometimes feel as though I'm doing nothing more than overthinking and to some degree sulking and instead of having fun I'm holding myself back.

A part of me that feels very strongly when I'm aroused really wants to go and have sex if the situation arises and just think about the consequences later.

Another part also considered attempting to reach out to my ex to see if they were okay and possibly to see if speaking to them directly would make these feelings of sadness around them and uncertainly toward my sex life finally go away.

I mention being scared and confused sure but I also know that when I'm aroused enough that I forget these feelings (almost) entirely and all I think about having fun and trying to enjoy these things with this person. This was the samw feeling described when I went out during Halloween and hooked up with them. Yes there was that initial "wtf" feeling because I knew and thought about how I was doing this with someone I had just met and that seems "unlike" me but afterward I notes that I enjoyed the experience.

This is why I mention sexual shame because I don't know if these are justifiable fears or just me feeling bad for wanting to have sex after a breakup. I always grew up with the "no sex until marriage" ideology so my expression of that was "have sex with someone you love". Some things were added like having both partners be in a stable and decent place in the relationship, waiting around 6 months and having the first time occur when things are going well but the core idea remained the same. I also grew up watching relationships (potential/already forming/current whether they were romantic/casual/more serious/sexual) end badly because of people acting too quickly on sexual desires I guess. I also grew up around people having sex earlier than I did who said to me that I'd be better off waiting to find someone I love to have sex with rather than to have sex with whoever.

I've kept this in mind all these years, now I just feel like I'm better off not doing anything with anyone, masturbating and just waiting until marriage to have sex because it's safe and "better" by default.

Even if I do end up actually dating either one of these people I'll still feel like waiting 6 months is better despite if I may actually feel things will be okay before then (with my ex partner, we were most comfortable and eager to sexually explore around 2-3 months but I didn't want to act on anything because I thought something would go wrong for some reason or that we wouldn't know each other well enough before 6 months).

So right now, I just feel like I'm battling with myself on trying to wait because it's somehow better and safer even though I really crave sex and want to explore that with a willing partner (which has been established with one out of the two people).

I don't know if I should just do it because I want to or just hold back because it seems like a bad idea desoite how much I want to.

Please ask if you need to clarify anything thag I feel or any other details.

Also I'm not sure if this matters but I started Testosterone around a week ago and I have my second shot this Thursday. I'm excited but I'm also curious if this has any impact on my thoughts and feelings regarding sex.

Anyway, thank you again!

[Heather]

Honestly, from the sounds of things, I suspect even if you did go ahead and keep exploring sexually right now, it would probably be okay. It might get complicated for you -- or be less fun than it could be -- because of still being so fresh off a breakup and potentially rebounding. But when rebound relationships aren't serious, even when things wind up a mess, it's not usually a big mess so much as a "Oh, I feel silly because I should have waited because my heart and head need more time, oh well," kind of mess. Quite a lot of us have survived rebounding, and when things aren't serious, usually with no more than some wounded pride, if that. Plenty of people do just find with rebounds and even have good experiences with them. For sure, sometimes getting over someone *does* involve enjoying being single with hookups and such. That can be 100% okay for people.

It also sounds like there's this whole other thing going on for you with all this that's not about your breakup at all, and maybe not even so much about sexual desires, as it is about finding yourself in a spot in life where you're really exploring what you want and what feels right for you versus what you were raised being told was best or ideal. That's a big deal!

To be clear, in terms of physical safety, if you're practicing safer sex and you and whoever else you're with are also getting tested regularly, you're safe. Knowing someone for longer or being in love doesn't change how viruses or parasites or bacteria work. I think your bigger concern is just what is right for you emotionally and interpersonally. Nothing you have written in any of this has me personally concerned for your physical safety or health, save that yeah, in-stall hookups probably involve some germ warfare.

Let's try this on: if you just try and shut down your head some, and try and tell your sexual desire to simmer down for a sec, what do your gut feelings say? What do they say about what you really want right now and about what just feels like the rightest way to go for you, for the time being, with all this? Whatever that is -- which we can talk about if you want -- is probably the way to go, and is usually something you can trust.

(Btw, congrats on starting T and taking a transition stop you want! Exciting!)

[BuddyBoi21]

Hey Heather,

When I shut everything else down, my overanalyzing and my sexual desires, I have on two things in mind. I am completely calm and okay with the idea of waiting to have sex but there's this mindset that I just want to continue feeling calm, relaxed and to have fun.

Sometimes that fun involves having another person on top of me and sexually engaging with them and I feel like I'm not being fair to myself by continuing to measure myself on sexual standards that weren't entirely set by me.

Emotionally I know I could trust and handle having sex with a few of my friends if they were interested so I do have this internal sense of awareness where I know I can sexually explore without getting emotionally hurt.

A part of me does feel like I'm missing out on (inherently?) "better" sex by not letting my first time be with a person I'm romantically in love with if I go that route but I still feel like I should challenge this anyway because sexually exploring is fun for me.

I also made a promise to myself when I was younger that the person I have sex with will be someone I love. Parts of me feels I missed an opportunity (and I regret that) by not acting on these desires with my ex who I loved dearly. Sure it probably wouldn't have saved the relationship but maybe I'd be struggling less now if I had done it then and there when we were ready. To some degree maybe I feel like I deserve this because it's punishment for interacting poorly with them.

Either way I don't think I should, no matter how aroused I get in the moment. It seems fun but I'll probably end up regretting not waiting later on. It just seems easier and like a better idea not to have sex until I find someone mutually trustworthly or mutually fall in love with someone again than to have some sort of existential crisis over sex and my sex life.

I hope this makes sense, thank you!

[Heather]

Reading this post, I feel like I'm (mostly) reading your best guidepost for yourself. This sounds really insightful and wise and grounded. While I know there are some parts of this that are in conflict with each other, I think if you keep coming back to this in making your choice that whatever you choose is probably going to be just fine.

The paragraph I'd suggest you try and strike from your heart and your head is the one where you talk about punishment. I don't know who on earth would dole out that kind of punishment, for one, but I also think that the idea you should be punished for simply learning how to do intimacy and relationships as you go -- which is all any of us can do -- is...well, frankly, crap.

I also feel absolutely certain in saying that love will come for you -- or, more to the point, be something you will have the chance to be part of, nurture, make and enjoy -- again. I know (boy, do I), how it can feel to lose a big, watershed love relationship, and how much it can feel like you won't get that chance again. But in reality, you probably will, probably more than once, and as you grow, will probably find that each time around, it gets deeper and richer, not that you missed out on the deepest, richest thing your first time out at the gate. <3

[BuddyBoi21]

Hi Heather,

I wanna thank you for the advice and kind words. I'm not more openly discussing this with friends (quite a bit who are closer to the person in question's age or older) and regardless of what decision I make they don't want me getting hurt.

Only a couple of friends who are around 20/21 encourage me to have sex or feel me losing my virginity would be benficial while others want me to wait to have sex but still feel free to explore sexually with this person because I just got out of a relationship recently.

Another friend of mine who's been in a 3 year relationship and even married at my age let me know that their spouse was a rebound relationship. Their message was that the stereotypical/cliched ideas of love/romance/monogamy were much more false than most would like to believe and that everyone's lovestory is different from one another and usually much more different than what society told us.

So now what I hear is overall that rebounding is okay but don't become too emotionally invested if you aren't openly communicating (which I will) and that you can go and have sex but you need to be careful/prepared if things go badly. Also to avoid getting caught up in the moment to the point that later you would regret acting impulsively.

A part of me really wants to let things go whereever they're going to and if that this leads to sex or a reltionship that I should just have fun and enjoy it but thinking is over I feel like I'm very easily slipping into recklessness and that I should wait as though it's "better safe than sorry".

STDs/STIs aside I guess emotionally I feel like it's safer?
Like waiting for love instead of going out and having casual sex for my first time seems inherently better/safer for my feelings?
Even though I'm not 100% certain and feel like my judgement is being clouded by my libedo being higher since starting T I still feel like having sex would be fun and that I'd be officially free from the negative things I've been taught growing up.
On the other hand I feel friends who advise me to wait to have sex have my best interest at heart I know I'm more romantic and affectionate and could end up placing these feelings on the wrong person, leading me to get severly hurt by whoever I have my first sexual encounter with.

So at this point I sort of know what I want but I'm not entirely sure of the consequences which is why choosing to wait seems like the better option because I can avoid (possibly) getting hurt.