Hi all me again.
I've thought on it for a few days and I think I've made things worse. So me being me I decided to look up "is it normal to like seeing women tied up" and comments I saw have made me scared of myself. Things like "I hope I'm not your girlfriend" or "creep" really took a toll on me. I've stated before I really don't want to like bdsm, but earlier today I accidentally thought about it and I got turned on, looked at an image and instantly regretted it. I'm out of ideas on what to do. I can't trust myself. I'm scared I'm just objectifying women and sexulising them to my liking which I don't want to at all. I've been told I should ask my parents to start therapy again but they'll want to know they always do. I can't talk to anyone in my life. I feel stuck in a cycle and I feel like I'm insane. I want out of all of this and want to go back to living my life without feeling scared of myself.
Sorry for being a pain, I feel like this place I can just vent and the people here are really understanding.
I'm really not sure what to do...
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Mo
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Re: I'm really not sure what to do...
I'm sorry this is so painful for you. It sounds like you've run into some people being pretty judgmental about what you are interested in sexually, and that can be really hurtful.
I want to say, though, that having these thoughts about women doesn't mean, on its own, that you are a danger to women or that you're doing something wrong. Your sexual thoughts and fantasies - even if you feel uncomfortable about them - can't hurt other people, and don't mean that you will hurt anyone. In fact, I think people who are worried about hurting others and thinking critically about what turns them on are much less likely to do so than people who aren't examining their sexual desires at all.
There are women who have similar feelings from the other side of this, who enjoy the thought of being tied up (or in similar situations) and feel like they're objectifying themselves or placing themselves in an inappropriately submissive role, but while I understand where these feelings come from, on both sides, these sexual thoughts aren't a referendum on anyone's views about gender equality. Sexual desire can be weird, and we don't always know why people are attracted to the things they like, but having these desires isn't reflecting something bad about you.
You say that you don't know what to do, but I honestly think it's ok to not really do anything about these feelings. Trying to ignore them might make them stronger; it's all right to say "I don't love it, but this is something I'm into" and try to accept that it doesn't reflect badly on you. I think that trying some of the exercises Alice mentioned in your last thread might help to interrupt some of the anxiety you feel about this; does that sound like something you'd be willing to try?
I want to say, though, that having these thoughts about women doesn't mean, on its own, that you are a danger to women or that you're doing something wrong. Your sexual thoughts and fantasies - even if you feel uncomfortable about them - can't hurt other people, and don't mean that you will hurt anyone. In fact, I think people who are worried about hurting others and thinking critically about what turns them on are much less likely to do so than people who aren't examining their sexual desires at all.
There are women who have similar feelings from the other side of this, who enjoy the thought of being tied up (or in similar situations) and feel like they're objectifying themselves or placing themselves in an inappropriately submissive role, but while I understand where these feelings come from, on both sides, these sexual thoughts aren't a referendum on anyone's views about gender equality. Sexual desire can be weird, and we don't always know why people are attracted to the things they like, but having these desires isn't reflecting something bad about you.
You say that you don't know what to do, but I honestly think it's ok to not really do anything about these feelings. Trying to ignore them might make them stronger; it's all right to say "I don't love it, but this is something I'm into" and try to accept that it doesn't reflect badly on you. I think that trying some of the exercises Alice mentioned in your last thread might help to interrupt some of the anxiety you feel about this; does that sound like something you'd be willing to try?
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Joe
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Re: I'm really not sure what to do...
Hi Mo!
First thank you for your kind words they made me feel a bit better.
I definitely understand where your coming from. I worry a lot of what people would think like my parents and friends would think if they knew about this. This situation I've gotten myself into has definitely warped my perception of what it is to have a certain kink and it definitely has confused me. I understand I'm 14 and that a lot of this can just be part of growing up but this doesn't feel normal.
Learning to accept it has proven difficult before I tried to a few months back but whenever I looked at something to do with it, it just stressed me out and it didn't feel right. Yet I still get the urge sometimes. And it goes in that cycle.
What do you suggest (Sorry if I'm making things difficult)
P.S May I pm you if I start panicking?
First thank you for your kind words they made me feel a bit better.
I definitely understand where your coming from. I worry a lot of what people would think like my parents and friends would think if they knew about this. This situation I've gotten myself into has definitely warped my perception of what it is to have a certain kink and it definitely has confused me. I understand I'm 14 and that a lot of this can just be part of growing up but this doesn't feel normal.
Learning to accept it has proven difficult before I tried to a few months back but whenever I looked at something to do with it, it just stressed me out and it didn't feel right. Yet I still get the urge sometimes. And it goes in that cycle.
What do you suggest (Sorry if I'm making things difficult)
P.S May I pm you if I start panicking?
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Heather
- scarleteen founder & director
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Re: I'm really not sure what to do...
You know, what we know from the study of sex about fetishes and other related kinds of sexual behaviour (and also about sexual orientation) is that it appears they develop mostly in very early childhood, way before we have an adult or even an adolescent sexuality, and often from things that probably weren't sexual at all.
There's no shame -- even though I understand you're feeling it -- in any of this. We are turned on by what we're turned on by. There's also nothing "bad" about whatever things those are so long as we don't engage in any kind of harm of ourselves or others in exploring them. There's also no need for therapy about things like this, because this isn't something to be fixed or that even can be. The reason to seek out therapy around something like this would really only be if you were having such hard feelings around it you needed help and support with your feelings OR if you were engaging in some kind of harm of yourself or others. otherwise, there's nothing for a qualified therapist to do or say except something like, "Yep, bondage and other kinds of BDSM are things that plenty of people want sexually and/or are turned on by."
I wonder if it might be helpful for you to remember that right now, all of these things are just thoughts. We can't harm anyone with our thoughts. Since you sound concerned about your behaviour -- like objectifying women -- why don't we talk about your behaviour to check that out? How do you feel about the way you interact with and treat women? Do you think anything in your actual behaviour is harming them or objectifying them or otherwise not treating them with respect, care and consideration?
There's no shame -- even though I understand you're feeling it -- in any of this. We are turned on by what we're turned on by. There's also nothing "bad" about whatever things those are so long as we don't engage in any kind of harm of ourselves or others in exploring them. There's also no need for therapy about things like this, because this isn't something to be fixed or that even can be. The reason to seek out therapy around something like this would really only be if you were having such hard feelings around it you needed help and support with your feelings OR if you were engaging in some kind of harm of yourself or others. otherwise, there's nothing for a qualified therapist to do or say except something like, "Yep, bondage and other kinds of BDSM are things that plenty of people want sexually and/or are turned on by."
I wonder if it might be helpful for you to remember that right now, all of these things are just thoughts. We can't harm anyone with our thoughts. Since you sound concerned about your behaviour -- like objectifying women -- why don't we talk about your behaviour to check that out? How do you feel about the way you interact with and treat women? Do you think anything in your actual behaviour is harming them or objectifying them or otherwise not treating them with respect, care and consideration?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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Joe
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Re: I'm really not sure what to do...
Hi heather, thank you for your response.
In real life and girls that I'm friends with I know I'm not objectifying. But since I started worrying about all of this my brain tells me that I'm sexualising them by liking them or in other words a crush, and now I can't tell the difference if I like a girl or my brain is telling me I like them because I'm objectifying them( its hard to explain, sorry if that didn't make a lick of sense).
But when I'm turned on I think its ok to like it but then after I think I'm a horrible person. I tried today just accepting I like but I felt horrible after.
A few weeks ago I told my mum I watching porn (she could tell something was wrong so I had to tell her). I asked am I objectifying women and she said "Yes. but overtime you'll grow to not" She thinks porn isn't really a good thing and that it does objectify women. I didn't tell her I liked bdsm and I didn't want to like it. But with people telling me porn is ok and liking bdsm is normal, I'm just confused on what to do. I don't want to go against her beliefs but I hate torturing myself over this.
Lastly, I'm terrified I'm going to turn out like some adult creep who has strange fantasies. I'm scared I'll turn into some rapist or a sex offender. I'm scared I'm going to lose control and do something bad. I don't want anyone in my life to know because I have no idea how they'll react. I don't know if these thoughts are just my anxiety making it worse than it has to be. From what I've gathered, society isn't big on the idea of bdsm. So i feel terrible liking it because I don't fit with the general consensus. If someone thinks I'm weird or a creep that'll crush me.
Hope that can help you help me.
In real life and girls that I'm friends with I know I'm not objectifying. But since I started worrying about all of this my brain tells me that I'm sexualising them by liking them or in other words a crush, and now I can't tell the difference if I like a girl or my brain is telling me I like them because I'm objectifying them( its hard to explain, sorry if that didn't make a lick of sense).
But when I'm turned on I think its ok to like it but then after I think I'm a horrible person. I tried today just accepting I like but I felt horrible after.
A few weeks ago I told my mum I watching porn (she could tell something was wrong so I had to tell her). I asked am I objectifying women and she said "Yes. but overtime you'll grow to not" She thinks porn isn't really a good thing and that it does objectify women. I didn't tell her I liked bdsm and I didn't want to like it. But with people telling me porn is ok and liking bdsm is normal, I'm just confused on what to do. I don't want to go against her beliefs but I hate torturing myself over this.
Lastly, I'm terrified I'm going to turn out like some adult creep who has strange fantasies. I'm scared I'll turn into some rapist or a sex offender. I'm scared I'm going to lose control and do something bad. I don't want anyone in my life to know because I have no idea how they'll react. I don't know if these thoughts are just my anxiety making it worse than it has to be. From what I've gathered, society isn't big on the idea of bdsm. So i feel terrible liking it because I don't fit with the general consensus. If someone thinks I'm weird or a creep that'll crush me.
Hope that can help you help me.
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Sam W
- scarleteen staff/volunteer
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Re: I'm really not sure what to do...
Hi Arzineus,
You're actually not the first person I've spoken to who has feared that because they feel attraction to someone, that means they are objectifying them. The thing is, being attracted to someone sexually and treating them like an object aren't the same thing (although some people treat them that way). You can be attracted to someone and still acknowledge them as a full, unique human. That's why you'll often see us telling people that there is nothing wrong with experiencing sexual attraction. Objectification, on the other hand, is when you see someone as solely for your sexual enjoyment, and you treat them more like a thing than a person. Does that difference make sense?
It's ultimately up to you to decide how you feel about BDSM and porn. You can certainly factor in your mom's opinions, just like you can factor in what we've told you. It's not that porn (or BDSM) are inherently good or bad things, rather that they are things that can be objectifying just as easily as they can be enjoyable. Some porn is made in ways that are exploitative and that reinforce some not-great ideas about sex, other porn can be made and consumed in ethical ways. If you haven't read it already, this article offers some helpful thoughts on porn: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/polit ... xual_media
It sounds a bit like you've internalized the idea that having strong or "unconventional" sexual desires means that you'll end up hurting someone. That's a common myth, one that in many ways stems from people who do commit assault trying to pass it off as being something outside of their control. But the truth is, sexual assault happens because someone makes a conscious choice to push past a partner's boundaries. It's that choice that causes the assault; not the presence of sexual desire. Does that idea help decrease some of the anxiety. Too, I'd challenge you to push back at the idea that BDSM isn't widely accepted.For instance, "Fifty Shades of Grey" was a massive hit, and even if the BDSM in it was not a good representation of healthy kink, it's popularity shows plenty of people are comfortable consuming media that contains that type of activity.
You're actually not the first person I've spoken to who has feared that because they feel attraction to someone, that means they are objectifying them. The thing is, being attracted to someone sexually and treating them like an object aren't the same thing (although some people treat them that way). You can be attracted to someone and still acknowledge them as a full, unique human. That's why you'll often see us telling people that there is nothing wrong with experiencing sexual attraction. Objectification, on the other hand, is when you see someone as solely for your sexual enjoyment, and you treat them more like a thing than a person. Does that difference make sense?
It's ultimately up to you to decide how you feel about BDSM and porn. You can certainly factor in your mom's opinions, just like you can factor in what we've told you. It's not that porn (or BDSM) are inherently good or bad things, rather that they are things that can be objectifying just as easily as they can be enjoyable. Some porn is made in ways that are exploitative and that reinforce some not-great ideas about sex, other porn can be made and consumed in ethical ways. If you haven't read it already, this article offers some helpful thoughts on porn: http://www.scarleteen.com/article/polit ... xual_media
It sounds a bit like you've internalized the idea that having strong or "unconventional" sexual desires means that you'll end up hurting someone. That's a common myth, one that in many ways stems from people who do commit assault trying to pass it off as being something outside of their control. But the truth is, sexual assault happens because someone makes a conscious choice to push past a partner's boundaries. It's that choice that causes the assault; not the presence of sexual desire. Does that idea help decrease some of the anxiety. Too, I'd challenge you to push back at the idea that BDSM isn't widely accepted.For instance, "Fifty Shades of Grey" was a massive hit, and even if the BDSM in it was not a good representation of healthy kink, it's popularity shows plenty of people are comfortable consuming media that contains that type of activity.
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Joe
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Re: I'm really not sure what to do...
Hi Sam.
That's really put things into prospective. I definitely feel better after reading that.
I just have a few questions on my mind:
1. Can I lead a normal life with this, like getting married and kids n stuff?
2. Is it a bit early to be liking things like this?
3. Should I keep this secret from friends?
4. When I'm older, will having sex be difficult since I am curious to try bdsm myself (light bdsm to be exact, the hardcore stuff freaks me out).
I'm slowly starting to accept it, it may take a while to get used to it but I feel good about myself.
That's really put things into prospective. I definitely feel better after reading that.
I just have a few questions on my mind:
1. Can I lead a normal life with this, like getting married and kids n stuff?
2. Is it a bit early to be liking things like this?
3. Should I keep this secret from friends?
4. When I'm older, will having sex be difficult since I am curious to try bdsm myself (light bdsm to be exact, the hardcore stuff freaks me out).
I'm slowly starting to accept it, it may take a while to get used to it but I feel good about myself.
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Siân
- previous staff/volunteer
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Re: I'm really not sure what to do...
Hi again ArzineusYuki,
I'm glad you're starting to feel a little better about this! You answer your questions, there's nothing that you've said that should prevent you from doing any of the things you want in your life - including having happy, healthy, fulfilling relationship (including sexual relationships), marriage, children or anything else. Thoughts are just that - thoughts. You're not harboring some big, terrible secret, you're just a person who sometimes has fantasies like so many other people on this planet. There isn't a "right" time to have these kinds of thoughts and as Heather pointed out earlier they often have a root far back in childhood that's hard to pinpoint.
Really, it's up to you how much you share with your friends. Generally, we don't share every detail of every sexual thought we have with the people around us, it's healthy to have some privacy and some boundaries. That doesn't mean you can never share, it's just you choose who and when and how much.
When it comes to having healthy, happy sexual relationships, there is no reason why a curiosity about bdsm should hold you back. It's up to you and your partners whether or not you incorporate any of it into your sex life, and there are plenty of resources to learn how to do so in a way that is safe - physically and emotionally - for everyone. We're always here to answer your questions or link you to other resources too.
Does that help? Anything else you'd like to ask just now?
I'm glad you're starting to feel a little better about this! You answer your questions, there's nothing that you've said that should prevent you from doing any of the things you want in your life - including having happy, healthy, fulfilling relationship (including sexual relationships), marriage, children or anything else. Thoughts are just that - thoughts. You're not harboring some big, terrible secret, you're just a person who sometimes has fantasies like so many other people on this planet. There isn't a "right" time to have these kinds of thoughts and as Heather pointed out earlier they often have a root far back in childhood that's hard to pinpoint.
Really, it's up to you how much you share with your friends. Generally, we don't share every detail of every sexual thought we have with the people around us, it's healthy to have some privacy and some boundaries. That doesn't mean you can never share, it's just you choose who and when and how much.
When it comes to having healthy, happy sexual relationships, there is no reason why a curiosity about bdsm should hold you back. It's up to you and your partners whether or not you incorporate any of it into your sex life, and there are plenty of resources to learn how to do so in a way that is safe - physically and emotionally - for everyone. We're always here to answer your questions or link you to other resources too.
Does that help? Anything else you'd like to ask just now?
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Joe
- not a newbie
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- Awesomeness Quotient: Always thinking about drumming!
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Re: I'm really not sure what to do...
Hi Siân
At the moment I'm just trying to stay positive and get on with things. If any problems come up I'm definitely going to come back here. This website is amazing.
At the moment I'm just trying to stay positive and get on with things. If any problems come up I'm definitely going to come back here. This website is amazing.