I'm involved in a risky sex game

[Ella]

Hi I'm Ella and I'm 18 years old. I've been hanging around with a group of 7 lads all aged around 20-21 on Sunday afternoons for the last 8 months. My best friend used to hang with us as well though she doesn't now because she met a boyfriend and spends a lot of time with him. We meet in town and then go back to one of these lads flat where we watch a couple of football match's on TV and have something to eat like pizza and a few beers.

Around two months ago these lads persuaded me to take part in a sex game with them where I have to give them all oral sex in turn and they have to try and hold out for as long as possible before they ejaculate in my mouth. They use a stopwatch and keep a note of all the lads times in a diary and see who lasts the longest. I wasn't going to do it the first time it happened but they kept encouraging me until I gave in and now these lads want to play every Sunday.

I know I shouldn't but I started liking it and they all tell me how great I am at it which makes me feel good so I do it for them now every week. I've started liking it a lot more now and these lads don't want me to stop and I really enjoy the attention that I get. I know it's risky though But is this any more risky other times if I have already done it the once and should I keep seeing them?

Ella

[Alice O]

Hi Ella,

Welcome to the boards! I'm so glad you found us here

I want to be honest with you--I am feeling really not good about this situation that you have described. Given that you called it "risky," and decided to ask about it on the boards to begin with, my guess is that your gut is also telling you this is not good.

A few things that jump out to me: These men are 2-3 years older than you, which is a big age gap among younger people. There are seven of them and only one of you. This was not a "game" you suggested or excitedly joined--they persuaded you to participate--I don't know the specifics but I think it's quite likely they coerced you into doing it. This "game" is entirely focused on their own sexual pleasure and power. I actually don't think "game" is the right word. A game is something playful and fun for everyone involved, and this doesn't sound like that. What I keep coming back to is how much power the seven of them have in this situation, and how little it sounds like you have been given.

Although my guess is you were already aware of much of this, it is likely still very intense to read someone else confirming your suspicions. How are you feeling?

So to answer your question: for your safety and well-being, I don't think you should keep spending time with these men. I hear you that there are some things that feel good about all of it! It feels good to know we are good at something and be affirmed in that. Especially by older people. It feels good to get attention. And it feels good to have company! It sounds like your best friend hasn't been as available for hanging out since starting a relationship, I'm sorry to hear that, that can be hard! But I want to assure you: you can find all the things you like from this situation elsewhere! Without all the negatives--like the feeling of worry and mixed-up-ness that led you to posting here.

It sounds like right now these older men are your main source of attention, affirmation, and company, is that right? If so, are there other friends who you could make plans with, or people who you'd like to get to know better/get closer to? What are some goals you have, or activities you are good at/want to get better at?

Please take time to take care of yourself and show yourself love as you read/reply to this and in general! Here are some self-care ideas if you are needing inspiration: Self-Care a La Carte.

I'm eager to hear back from you and see how else we can support you Ella <3

[Heather]

I want to add that from a health perspective, if all of this has been unprotected, as I imagine it has, then yes, you have also been at some health risks. You continue to be at these risks: it's not like the risks that occurred the first time don't keep occurring. The more this has been something you've done, the more you have been at these risks, and the higher and higher your chance of contracting an infection has become.

I would strongly encourage you to go to your local GUM or other sexual health services clinic/healthcare provider and get a round of oral STI screenings soon. You don't have to tell them exactly why if you don't want to, but you certainly can be honest, and I'd encourage that, too, if you feel able.

[Ella]

Hi Alice & Heather. Many thanks for the reply's.

Yes, it would probably be more accurate to say the first time I was coerced, not physically forced but they kept persistently asking me and I eventually gave in. I know they designed it purely for their own pleasure but I do like the moment when they cum knowing that I've just given them that pleasure.

Yes, it has always been unprotected oral sex which ends with them ejaculating in my mouth and me swallowing their semen. I know oral sex is low risk but is probably hugely increased by me doing it with seven lads so I described it as risky.

I know it's far from the normal thing to do but I love the attention I get and that they all want me while I'm giving them oral sex and I do get a buzz from that and having them tell me how great I am at it makes me feel good. I hadn't told anyone what I am doing and that is probably partly the reason I posted, to tell someone and find out how it would be accepted. I guess I knew the answer already and I do know I shouldn't do it but when they contact me on my phone I end up going round to see them again.

Ella.

[Heather]

So, group sex is something that people can choose to do -- that even you could choose to do -- where there has not been ANY kind of abuse or assault, including coercion (pressuring). If this is something you enjoy, it is also something you could choose to do safely, both from an emotional standpoint -- not with people who sound abusive or exploitive, or with whom you have that history -- and a physical one, by engaging in safer sex.

The comments from myself and Alice aren't about the notion that it's not okay for people to engage in group sex, or the idea that doing that isn't normal. Human sexuality is very diverse, and group sex is absolutely something some people want and enjoy. You aren't abnormal, and this isn't about anything being the matter with wanting that. The same goes for if you find you are excited by being dominated, which it sounds like is also some of what is going on here. But that, too, is something you could do with a partner in a context that is much, much more emotionally and physically safe for you than this.

Rather, our comments and concerns are about the specific situation you have posted about, which does not sound emotionally or physically safe. What do you think about recognizing this is not a good, safe situation, and taking steps to stop taking part in it? What do you think, if you want, about instead seeking out healthy ways to engage in these kinds of activities?