What is wrong with me?

[Concerned@21]

I just made an account because I recently realized that I think I may have been raped by my ex, but i really don't remember much from the time Ithink it happened. It was my sophmore year of college (now a senior), my ex, me and 7 other friends went on spring break together. For some reason the 9 of us rented a one bedroom condo which majorly spiked my anxiety which got worse as the trip wnet on. Towards the end of the week I vaguely remember being on the air matress (in the living room behind the sofa where our friends were playing cards) with my ex, he was spooning me and I remember him saying this will help you relax, don't worry I'm doing this for you or something along those lines, its all really fuzzy. I remember being mentally uncomfortable but physically happy and thats it. I should also note that we had only ever goofed off, we didn't want to go all the way, so pants and underwear had not come off. I'm starting to get increasingly worried because I keep having flash backs in my dreams after my bf and I goof off, and sometimes I will super anxious for days afterwards especally when we take a step forward. My bf is amaizing and constantly asks if he can do this or that, (including kiss goodnight on the cheek, every night after we study), so I know its not him alone making me anxious but as we get closer I am getting more confused by my partical memories, and I have no clue what to do.

[Heather]

Welcome to the boards. We'll certainly do our best to help you with this.

If I'm understanding you correctly, what has you concerned you may have been sexually assaulted/abused by your ex is having dreams about this spring break evening, feeling anxious and also not being sure what happened that night?

Can I ask if you are at all in touch with anyone else from that night who you might be able to get more information from?

[Concerned@21]

Yes, that's basically sums it up. I'm not in touch with any of that group anymore, my ex basically ghosted me after that spring break and so did most of those friends, including my roommate who pretty much moved into a friends room. The most communication I have with the only one that still talks to me is a rare hey how are you because we never cross paths. Sense I can't remember much I did ask her what happened between me and the rest of the group that week but she said she wasn't sure and that I should ask my ex or ex roommate. It's also not just that one night I don't really remember at least half of the trip.

[Heather]

I'm so sorry to hear that. It's very disturbing when we can't remember things, especially if we think some of what we are not remembering is a crime, harm, and/or trauma.

I'm not exactly sure why you're assuming that some kind of sexual assault happened. I only say that because I don't see you describing anything here that involves any kind of memory or sense of sexual assault, or anything afterward -- like soreness, bruising, not being dressed like you were, for example -- that is giving you that impression. That's not me saying what did or didn't happen, since I obviously don't know, just wondering why it is that you are concerned sexual assault, specifically, if what happened to you. Do you mind saying a bit more about that?

It might also help to know what you're looking for help with. It sounds like you're saying you are struggling with anxiety, be it based in some past trauma, something current, or both. If that's the case, then just knowing if you have or have not been assaulted isn't likely to do much, if anything, to help with that, anyway. Not all by itself, anyway. Can I ask what help, if any, you have sought out with this anxiety? Have you talked to a mental health or other healthcare professional, for instance, who are usually the best people to start with for help with anxiety, regardless of the source? If not, would you like help seeking out that kind of initial help and care?

[Concerned@21]

I have gone to several counselors/therapists for anxiety and depression, and I still do but not as often as I used to, every month or so instead of every week. I mentioned this in the original post but I realized I didn't say everything, "he was spooning me and I remember him saying this will help you relax, don't worry I'm doing this for you or something along those lines, its all really fuzzy. I remember being mentally uncomfortable but physically happy and thats it." I didn't say that I remember that I wanted him to stop what he was doing but that when he said that stuff and I don't think he was just spooning me, he was holding me to him and I think his hand was down there. He shushed me a couple times too. I was bullied from a young age and I have taught myself to have a swich board in my head that can turn off feelings physical and emotional, I haven't done in in a long time but I think I may have done it then, I've started thinking abouti t more both that spring break and the swich board thing because it came up in my last session.

[Sam W]

Hi Concerned,

I hope it's okay if I step into the conversation. It does sound like there are maybe some memories that suggest he did something sexual to you that you didn't want, and that fuzziness is making it difficult to piece together exactly what happened. Having the fear that something happened and the frustration of not quite being able to remember sounds like it's a really stressful combination for you (understandably). Unfortunately, because we weren't there we're not going to be able to do much to help you clarify what happened. That limit in mind, is there something we can do to best support you right now?

It's great that you've been taking steps to look after your mental health by seeing a therapist. When you this came up in the last session, do you mean your fears about possibly having been assaulted or the switch board phenomenon?

[Concerned@21]

The swich board thing is what came up and I started thinking about when the last time I used it was and that break is the last time I accidentally used it, I have used it recently to go to class while passing a kidney stone. Honestly I wasn't expecting such a fast and helpful response, one thing that helps me figure stuff out is is writing it down and putting it where others can see it makes me confront problems instead of letting myself forget about them.

[Sam W]

Got it. I'm glad you've found writing things out here helpful!

Are you feeling like this incident, and the stress it's causing you, is something you're comfortable bringing up with your therapist?