I feel bad about my past. I feel so bad

[TylerWyler]

I feel terrible about my past. I used to be such a different person (arguably a much worse person) I know that it's all in my past but it still hurts. It doesn't constantly hurt but when it comes up I feel so bad and distraught. I am not like I used to be at all. I am not that person anymore. I know i know it's all in my past and it that's not me anymore but I still just gosh it's confusing. I accept what I've done in my past. I 100% don't ever want to be like that again and I'm not but it still hurts and could use some advice

[Sam W]

Hi TylerWyler,

I'm sorry these feelings are causing you so much distress. If it helps, more or less everyone has pieces of their past that make them cringe, or things they did that they wish they could undo. So you're definitely not alone in feeling this way.

Depending on where these feelings are coming from, we might be able to give you some advice or tools to deal with them when they pop up. Are there certain past behaviors or choices that you find yourself feeling most bad about?

[TylerWyler]

I used to be very perverted. It sounds so bad to say out loud. I've done some bad things. They seem so nasty and gross now. That's defidently the main thing. I also cheated on my girlfriend (at the time) by being on this site and chatting with people and just bleh. She forgave me for it and we went on to be together for 5 more months. Still I hurt her so much. Not as if she never hurt me but my gosh. I just feel bad like crazy. That stuff is the most of it. Thank you for helping by the way

[Jacob]

Hi Tyler!

I wonder if you have sought out any therapy before? It sounds like you are feeling lots of sexual shame.

I know people can mean lots of things when they say 'perverted'... some of them completely fine (queer sex, kink fantasies, having sex outside of a monogomous relationship, or 'cheating' etc) whereas other definitions might be more about hurting others... I will say that the latter category is something we would not be able to talk about here. But as I say, the right therapist totally would.

If this is about having had sex or consensual sexual online interactions with people with someone else while you were in a relationship... That, we can totally talk about.

It can be a really rough feeling to try and process, when we feel we have betrayed people we care about. Especially when it's mixed in with already mixed in with existing unhappiness in the relationship. I don't think it makes you a terrible person, it just means that for whatever reason you weren't honest in this situation. I think it's possible to hurt, or be hurt and to learn from it.

I think when a betrayal like this happens and we feel so much guilt afterwards, it often means that there were problems before that happened too. So learning how to talk about those problems can make it easier to handle such situations in the future.

[TylerWyler]

No I have never sought out therapy. I'm not really of age to seek out my own therapy. I do have many good friends though. They help. You guys help too. I know what you mean. I have learned from it for sure. I just feel so dang bad about it. I'd love to see therapy as soon as I'm of age to do so myself for sure

[Jacob]

Hi Tyler,

Often you can find support through your school! I'm guessing you are in school, I don't think that is age limited either.

Is there anyone, like a teacher you feel comfortable with, who you can ask if you can be referred to a school counsellor etc?

[TylerWyler]

No well I'm not underage to see a therapist necessarily. Just to see a private one I meant. I don't really know if there is a teacher here that I'm close enough to to talk about these kind of things too sadly. Like I said though I defidently don't keep it to myself or anything. I try hard to be open with everyone about my past and feelings

[Siân]

Hi Tyler,

Just so you know, you don't have to tell a teacher why you want to speak to a therapist, you can just ask them how to find someone to speak to. Also, with any therapist that you do see you can check before you open up that everything you say is confidential. I'm glad you have friends you can open up to, it's also ok to choose who we share what with sometimes.

[TylerWyler]

Thank you so much for the help so so much. Also I feel very uncomfortable and sad even when people joke around with me or maybe other people about being gay or bisexual or what not. Because I have sorta experimented with these things before when I was with my girlfriend (see above) and I've found that I am 100% straight and I know it. Is this because I know that I experimented in vein because I was committed to someone? I feel like it is. Is this just something I need to overcome?

[TylerWyler]

Will I always be labeled this way?

[Heather]

No one else can truly give us an identity or a "label." But for sure, some people do act out of turn and assign identities to people. That's poor form, but it happens.

You know who you are, though, and that's what matters. Too, it might help to remember that it's not like if you WERE gay or bisexual that would be something problematic or sad. I get that it sucks to be misidentified by other people, no matter what, but this particular kind of misindentification often bothers people because of bias or bigotry (like, say, the idea being queer is perverse, if that's in your head), so it might help to remind yourself when and if it happens that while it sucks people aren't respecting your stated identity -- if they aren't -- it's not really that big of a deal. You can just correct them plainly, "I'm straight, actually, but whatever," leave it at that and move on, you know?

[TylerWyler]

You're right. I don't like being mislabeled but it's something that can be followed up with a simple clarification. I wish people wouldn't label me, or even others but they do and it's just something to deal with