What do I do now...?

[Lolgal5566771]

So my long term boyfriend and I broke up. I’m not really even that sad about losing him anymore. I honestly think it was for the best because we were both kinda unhappy. It’s almost like we were staying together just for the amount of time we had been together. But I feel like I can never have another boyfriend again because of the things I did with him and it’s driving me crazy. I am a virgin. I’m a Christian and I even wear a purity ring. My ex fingered me a few times and we even did oral before. I know some people think If you do oral you’re not a virgin but I still feel like a virgin, so I consider myself one. No one knows I did that stuff with him but him. The truth is I really didn’t want to at first but he begged so long and persisted so I finally gave in. People tell me all the time I’m such a good girl but now when they say That I just feel like a fake. I feel dirty and worthless. I feel like my purity is gone. I know I wasn’t ready to do what we did because of how I feel now. I even felt this way after we did it, but after telling myself “hey at least you are dating him, and maybe you’ll be with him forever” I made myself feel better. Now that it’s over it’s like I can never be with anyone else because of what we did. While I do still have my virginity it’s almost like that’s all I have... I feel like I’m stuck with him forever because of what we did. How could I ever date someone new and tell them I did those things? They could find me disgusting. Especially a Christian boy. I’m so worried over this.. please help. Should I get back with my ex because We did this stuff? Or should I realize that I am a teenager who was having fun and being young with her LONG TERM BOYFRIEND. The fact that he wasn’t a random guy makes me feel a little bit better. But I still feel awful. Help!

[Sam W]

Hi Lolgal,

There's quite bit to address here, but I want to start off by saying that I'm sorry you're feeling so low right now. Have you had a chance to set aside some time for self-care, even if it's just a few minutes each day? It sounds like you could really use a chance to be kind to yourself right now.

The first thing I want to address is that it sounds like some, or maybe all, the sexual stuff you engaged in wasn't completely consensual. When someone begs and pleads and wears you down until you finally say "yes" to get them to stop bugging you, it doesn't meet the standard of enthusiastic consent. Consent to sex (of any kind) has to be freely and eagerly given in order to be truly consensual. It was really not okay for your ex to act that way, and I'm sorry that he did so . Does what I'm saying about consent make sense? How do those ideas make you feel?

The next thing I want to talk about is that it sounds like you've very much internalized the idea that being sexual before marriage means you can no longer be considered a "good girl" and that it will make you undesirable to future partners. I want to push back on those ideas a bit, since they seem to be causing you a lot of stress. For starters, being sexual in any way is not the ultimate measure of whether someone is good or bad. I'd posit that how you treat others, how you use resources, and how you interact with the world are much bigger markers of your morality than when and if you choose to be sexual (not to mention that dividing women into "good" and "bad" categories based on their sexual behavior has way more to do historically with controlling women than anything else, but that's a topic for another day). And quite frankly, if someone does their best to be kind, thoughtful and, respectful to others, the idea that being sexual somehow cancels out all those good actions seems a bit silly to me. Does that make sense? And can you tell me a bit more about what you mean when you said you feel like your virginity is all you have left?

As far as future partners, can you tell me a bit more why you're worried this would make you undesirable to them? S

[Lolgal5566771]

I know how dumb and childish I probably sound and I really wish I didn’t feel this way. When I started dating my ex he seemed really happy about the fact that I hadn’t done those things before with anyone. He liked the fact that I hadn’t had anyone else touch me and etc. I guess I’m worried that if I meet someone new and I have to tell them that I’ve done these things then maybe they will think of me differently. And it scares me a lot because my self image is important to me. I have a cousin who is 18, and she’s a virgin as well. She had a summer fling with a guy who she had just graduated high school with. I say fling because they weren’t really dating and they were both going to college in separate states in the fall so they knew nothing would last. But they hung out and they did the exact same things I did with my ex boyfriend. The fingering and the oral stuff. Well one day I talked about this with her when I was feeling really bad about it and she told me I’m young and should be young and enjoy myself. And while I still feel really badly about the fact that him and I didn’t work out and I feel like I gave him a lot of me, I wish I could think more like she does. I really just want to know if the stuff I did is as big a deal as I think it is. One thing my cousin asked me when we talked about it was if I had already had my first kiss when I met my ex. And I had. So she said “this stuff is really no different”. But I feel like the stuff I did is so much bigger than just a first kiss. I’m just really confused on how I should feel about all of this. Am I making it a bigger deal than it is?

And I shouldn’t say my virginity is all I have left. I think I do have a lot of good things to offer. I’m smart, I’m responsible, I have goals, I’m genuinely nice, I would give my last to an absolute stranger if they were in need. It just feels like the fact that I did the things I promised myself I wouldn’t do eclipse everything else I have to offer. And I wish I didn’t feel this way.

[Sam W]

Before I say anything else, I want to emphasize that I, nor anyone else here, is going to think your childish or silly for feeling the way you do. From what you're describing, you're grown up in a culture that views virginity and abstinence until marriage in a very particular way, and you've internalized quite a few of those same values. And how you've hit a point where you're trying to sort out how those values align with your lived experiences, and maybe you're own evolving opinions. That kind of process can bring up a lot of intense emotions, and however you're feeling right now is valid. You mention that you talked to your cousin about this, and it sounds like she was pretty non-judgemental. Do you feel like this is something you'd like to talk with her more about, or that you'd like to talk about things like sex and virginity with her to get a sense of how she's reached the conclusions she has (since you seem to be drawn to her way of thinking about things)?

So, the tricky thing about talking about what sexual things are a big deal, especially when we're talking about hypothetical future partners, is that those feelings are super variable. Some people see oral sex or manual sex as less of a big deal than vaginal sex, some see them as equal, heck, some people may see oral sex as a bigger deal than vaginal sex. Some people may see all kinds of sexual behavior as being no big deal. Those feelings depend on lots of factors, including the message a person got about the meaning of different sexual things (for instance, seeing vaginal sex as the thing that determines virginity), their own sexual history, culture, gender, you name it. In all honesty, as you get older most people (Christians included) assume that there's a good chance their partner has a sexual history of some kind, and so aren't going to see that sexual history as a dealbreaker. Now, will there be some guys who learn about your sexual history and judge you for it? Sure. But those guys have helpfully marked themselves as not good partners for you, because a good partner will accept your sexual history and not hold it against you. Does that all make sense?

I'm glad to hear that you see many qualities you like in yourself . When you say you feel like your sexual history eclipses those elements sometimes, does that feel like it has more to do with breaking a promise? Or that the promise was specifically sexual?

[Lolgal5566771]

Another thing I should add, I didn’t mean to make it seem like I am some type of crazy judgmental Christian. The truth is I’m not an extremely religious person. Meaning I do go to church and pray and read the Bible, but I’m not like a holy roller, who only talks about the Bible and tries to get my whole school to come to church. In fact, im not waiting until marriage to have sex for religious reasons at all. I’m doing it because I want to have sex with my husband and him be the only one, for the rest of my life. I have friends who have had sex with multiple people in a short period of time, who I don’t judge and love to death because they are happy with the choice. The only person I really judge so hard is me. And I don’t know why.

[Sam W]

Thanks for the explanation (for the record, I wasn't reading it that way, it just sounded like faith might have been at play in your feelings, and I wanted to make sure that got addressed if that was the case)! And hey, whatever reasons you have for your choices around sex are okay. We firmly believe that people get to make those choices for themselves based on their own wants, needs and beliefs, and that there's no one, right way to choose to be sexual (or not be sexual).

Since you have friends who, it sounds like, wouldn't judge you for what happened, have you talked to them about it at all and how you're feeling? Is that something you'd want to do?

I hear you on being harder on yourself than on your friends. I think that's something a lot of people struggle with, even if the issue they're being hard on themselves about varies (I know I've certainly been guilty of that). Would it be helpful to talk about some ways you could try applying that same kindness/acceptance to you yourself?

Too, to make sure it doesn't get buried in everything else we're talking about, how are you feeling about what I mentioned about the interactions with your boyfriend not sounding totally consensual?

[Lolgal5566771]

And about the consent of it all. I think I ultimately did it to make him happy. He did kind of have a way of making me feel guilty about making him wait. He was the only virgin in his friend group, which he said he got teased about a lot. So he often made me feel like I owed him something. So I admit that the first time I was doing it to make him happy. After that I did Kind of enjoy it. It made me feel emotionally closer to him. But in the beginning I guess it was only for him. Which sounds bad because I’ve always been the type of girl who says “no one can make me do something I’m not ready for” etc.

[Heather]

I wanted to add just a few comments about this:

When I started dating my ex he seemed really happy about the fact that I hadn’t done those things before with anyone. He liked the fact that I hadn’t had anyone else touch me and etc. I guess I’m worried that if I meet someone new and I have to tell them that I’ve done these things then maybe they will think of me differently.

With the given that there are exceptions, I'd actually say from my life and my work over the last couple decades here, where we have seen a good deal of this (or its aftermaths), that someone being super-excited about that is often a red flag. More often than not, in my observation, people very excited about that are because of unhealthy ideas about sex, love, and other people, particularly women and women's bodies and worth.

So, I'd say if someone new is really hung up on this? I'd honestly suggest not even sticking around any more after you know that, because they are probably not going to be a great person to be with, period.

With the understanding that sometimes people have to grapple with some feelings of jealousy or insecurity sometimes, by and large, I'd say that emotionally healthy people accept that are are okay with the fact that everyone has a past, most often (at a certain age) including a sexual past. Same goes for emotionally healthy people -- and people who have healthy ideas about sex -- knowing and understanding that someone's value is not determined by their sexual history. Emotionally healthy people can even often appreciate and value a partner's past sexual relationships (I'm not talking about sexual abuse here, though partners can certainly accept us just as much when that's been part of our lives, sometimes also recognizing things like that our healing process has made us some of the person they love) instead of automatically filing the mere fact that they existed as something bad or lesser.

[Lolgal5566771]

You’re right. The hardest part of it all is being the female in this situation. Because teenage boys are always expected to be having sex. They’re high fived for sleeping with lots of of people, or even just a few. It’s them “being a man”. Or “just doing what boys do”. But then when a girl the same age does it she gets judged for it. Sometimes I just want to ask people who they think all these boys getting praised about having a lot of sex are doing it with? Other boys? (Which there’s nothing wrong with, just making an example). I just hate that I feel like I have to hide my mistakes and pretend they didn’t happen because I’m scared of being shamed.

[Heather]

I hate that, too. I hate that for you, I hate that for anyone and everyone in that situation. It's garbage, and you're right: it's also almost always sexist (or homophobic, or biphobic -- if there's a marginalized person in the mix and then others who aren't, the former is usually shamed while the latter gets off scot free and benefits).

I do feel like this is extra complicated because what I hear you describing is being pressured into sex from the front. That's a thing that can happen to anyone, by the way. It's not a hallmark of you not being a "good" girl or not strong enough or any of that crud. It's just about the power people we are vulnerable and intimate with can have, and how some people use it in a harmful way.

Anyway, you got pressured into something, and also, from the sounds of things, felt like when someone like that wanted something so badly, you were supposed to -- maybe even required to, while at the same time required not to by other ideas, so ugh, what a mess -- provide it as their girlfriend. Then you also discovered you enjoyed yourself in some ways. That's obviously another confusing bit, enjoying sex with someone who has effectively emotionally abused you into it. I know that is also very confusing, but if it comforts you, know you're not the first to grapple with that, either.

So, some of this is not really about your mistakes. In fact, I'm not sure I have yet heard you voice feeling like you made any mistakes, save where it looks like you taking responsibility for being coerced, which isn't your responsibility: that belongs to who did the coercing. Do YOU feel you have made mistakes? If so, do you WANT to hide them? You don't have to, just so you know that's one option: you have choices here.