Um... Okay, so this question needs a little backstory. I've been on-off flirting with this boy (we'll call him J) for around a year. We never got the chance to do any real touching under the clothes, or... much of anything actually. Only sexting. Anyways, I'm going to be alone for a few days soon and I really want to invite him over but there's some issues I don't know how to work out-- I'm a virgin, but I already have a plan on how to tell him that. (Thanks, Scarleteen.) Anyways, that's not the question.
I want to... communicate my kinks and needs with him, since they're kinda crucial to my sexuality. However this is more of a casual thing, and we are not in a relationship. I get embarrassed very easily though--So my question is:
Do I need to just suck up my embarrassment and tell him? Or is there some way to, I don't know, ease into it? I'm not sure how to begin such s conversation, honestly.
Any help is appreciated;; Thanks in advance.
Communication in Fling?
-
Heather
- scarleteen founder & director
- Posts: 9542
- Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 11:43 am
- Age: 54
- Awesomeness Quotient: I have been a sex educator for over 25 years!
- Primary language: english
- Pronouns: they/them
- Sexual identity: queery-queer-queer
- Location: Chicago
Re: Communication in Fling?
Alas, one of the things that casual sex scenarios -- when they go well, anyway -- often ask of us is to have to communicate pretty intimate things either very quickly, or when we haven't been able to first build trust.
But this doesn't have to mean you give someone all the information there is to know about you sexually all at once. In fact, for most people, that's just not going to be possible, either to tell or to take in and retain. Better bet? Try and come into this at least a LITTLE gradually, where you aren't initiating doing anything too big at first, or that requires someone have an encyclopedic knowledge of your sexuality.
For instance, this time, assuming he accepts your invite and can hang out then, why not just go ahead and figure maybe you're only making out, if that, since it sounds like you don't even know how that will feel for you in the first place? Why not only choose to offer to do things where you feel more comfortable as you just put your toe in the water with this buy? Why not see how he responds to a share or two before you share more, since it sounds like you may not even know how he is with sexual communication outside sexting?
You're still always allowed to have limits in more casual sex: sex being casual doesn't mean people don't get to have limits or boundaries, nor does it mean people have to do anything they're not yet comfortable doing, and can't build up comfort over time with repeated times together, unless anyone involved just only wants a one-off.
(I'd also add that you want to first make sure you even feel safe with this guy alone, too, you know?)
But this doesn't have to mean you give someone all the information there is to know about you sexually all at once. In fact, for most people, that's just not going to be possible, either to tell or to take in and retain. Better bet? Try and come into this at least a LITTLE gradually, where you aren't initiating doing anything too big at first, or that requires someone have an encyclopedic knowledge of your sexuality.
For instance, this time, assuming he accepts your invite and can hang out then, why not just go ahead and figure maybe you're only making out, if that, since it sounds like you don't even know how that will feel for you in the first place? Why not only choose to offer to do things where you feel more comfortable as you just put your toe in the water with this buy? Why not see how he responds to a share or two before you share more, since it sounds like you may not even know how he is with sexual communication outside sexting?
You're still always allowed to have limits in more casual sex: sex being casual doesn't mean people don't get to have limits or boundaries, nor does it mean people have to do anything they're not yet comfortable doing, and can't build up comfort over time with repeated times together, unless anyone involved just only wants a one-off.
(I'd also add that you want to first make sure you even feel safe with this guy alone, too, you know?)
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead