I'm so sorry to hear all of this. I can understand feeling hopeless, resentful and angry in the face of all this. I agree that it seems like everyone should have the right to a sexual life they enjoy. I can't speak for "normal," because there really is no normal when it comes to sexuality. But I think I understand what you mean, and for sure, it just seems unjust at how hard it is for some to have to struggle so hard to create and have that basically enjoyable and wanted sexual life. I'm sorry that's the spot you keep finding yourself in. Here's hoping this will -- and it truly probably will, even though I'm sure it is hard to believe that right now -- turn around for you, hopefully sooner rather than later.
So, right now, it seems there are a couple things. For one, it sounds like maybe you found out this guy might not be a good fit for you as a sexual partner: if nothing else, if you were feeling the way you described with them sexually, like having sex with them make you feel more dysphoric, and rejected, that just sounds like a clear no-go of a sexual partnership to me. That happens often enough: in other words, people are dating, then go to be sexual together, and find that they aren't compatible or that it just isn't a good fit. Or they find they work together well sexually in some ways, but not others. That happens a lot no matter what kind of body someone has, or what kind of gender identity. Do you know what you want to do from here, now that you have experienced that part of the relationship? This, to me, isn't an issue about troubles with sex in general, but about one particular person and your sex life with them, specifically. Do you want to continue this relationship, and if so, do you want to continue it as a sexual relationship?
Also I don't know why but it very much upsets me seeing in porn people like me, doing something, that I wouldn't do. I feel like it's gonna be expected of me, which would kind of belittle me and make my dysphoria so much worse.
Most folks are going to see people like themselves in some way doing sexual things they wouldn't in porn. For sure, sometimes people do foolishly get the idea it makes sense to expect things of people sexually they see in porn. But that's on them, really. It's not on us to meet people's sexual expectations like that, no matter who we or they are. Even if someone did something IRL with a partner they had like us (or not) before, that doesn't mean they should expect the same of us or that we owe that thing to them.
But it sounds like you're talking about something more specific, or maybe you're asking how to avoid those kinds of partners? Can you fill me in on this one a little more? Thanks.