Hi, I'm 23, a virgin, and dating a really great guy who's more sexual than I am. He's never pushed me, pressured me, he's been extremely patient with me and when we are fooling around if I don't want to do something or want to stop he just says okay and moves on. We've been dating for six months and done pretty much everything but penetration sex. The thing is. I had an idea that I didn't want to lose my virginity until I felt completely comfortable with someone (check), was enjoying myself sexually ( semi-check), and had the desire to do so that I had no doubts about it. I don't really enjoy him performing oral sex on me, I don't enjoy fingering, we haven't used toys I think he is uncomfortable with them. The only thing that feels good to me sexually so far is like rubbing or dry humping, which he isn't a huge fan of and he's only okay with it for a minute or so. I got some great advice from a cousin who said it's pressure, she said she didn't really enjoy sexual activities until she had sex and was on top and had more pressure on her labia and clitorus. What I struggle with is letting go and trying sex to see if that helps increase my pleasure and desire and give me some anxiety and mental relief. Sex is something I've thought about 24/7 for YEARS and not always in a good way, but in a back and forth way, what happens when I'm not a virgin, what happens if I hate it, what happens if I do it and he hates it, what happens if I do it and it's so uneventful that I become even more hopeless about it? He's expressed that he wants to move forward and have sex, he thinks that our relationship will be more intimate and he thinks a whole new level of closeness will come out of it. But I'm so unsure. On one hand, if I do it, and with someone I trust and who is so good to me and has no issue with using contraception and lubricants etc. the relief of it being over could improve my quality of life and relationships, on the other hand if it's horrid and even penetration doesn't work I don't know where else to turn. Some important things to note.....
. I masturbate ( oddly not as much as I used to now that I'm dating him, desire and sexual tension has all gone out the window and I wonder if it is the stress of it) and can always finish, though sometimes I feel stupid after doing so, like I could be doing this with another person and wouldn't that be more enjoyable?
. I am comfortable with my body and others bodies
. Communication between me and my boyfriend is excellent, almost too excellent that it takes the romance and passion out of a lot of things I guess
. I've had sexual desire with someone before but there was no emotional connection and it was more of a rebound relationship, that was the only time ever though
. I've read damn near every article on this website, regarding sexual desire, orgasms, libido, relationships, proposals, and it helps a lot and I identify with a lot of girls which is nice to know I am not the only one. I felt like a sociopath for not enjoying oral because so many women are always sayings its the best thing ever
. I have so much anxiety about sex that if I get my period I'm relieved because that means I don't have to think about it or put in the effort for it if he suggest fooling around
. Sex is WAY MORE WORK than I thought it would be, and I always thought it would come naturally and be kind of easy? Like it would be so natural and enjoyable most of the time that I'd welcome the idea of sexual activity at the end of a bad/hard day, a good day, morning, night, noon, whenever.
Does it get easier once you do it? Should I just try it and see if it helps?
He's only been upset with me once about it, and I'll never feel bad for saying no, but he did say he doesn't know what else to do to make me feel comfortable and to feel good and that the ball is in my court. He said he feels like we are in more of a friendship than a relationship and I just don't know what to do. I've never had someone treat me with so much respect physically and emotionally. It was exactly what I was looking for and even more. So why do I have so much of a hangup on trying sex and why is it so hard to achieve sexual desire?