Sam W wrote:Again, it sounds like withdrawal is not a good option for your partner and you. Can you answer Heather's question about the process that goes into you two choosing not to use a condom?
Heather wrote:Okay, so we know one of the big problems here (and it probably isn't a problem in this relationship only here, I'll bet): you're giving up all your agency, and responsibility, to someone else in this. Suffice it to say, that's an awful setup for a kid if their parent is inclined to do that, but before we even get there. it's an awful setup for you and your life. Especially with such high-stakes stuff -- and where the stakes aren't high for the other person at all -- as potentially becoming pregnant and being in the driver's seat of your sex life.
There are a couple (hopefully) easy fixes to this, if you're open:
1) Get your own condoms and lube. Don't make it only one person's responsibility to have them, especially when that person isn't the one at real risk if they aren't used and they have shown you they can't manage that responsibility. You should each always have them on you.
2) Start saying no. Probably sex isn't the greatest for you if your partner is just "getting right to it" anyway, but if them wanting to satisfy themselves wins over real big deal risks to your life and health -- and to your wants and needs in sex mattering, too -- that's pretty messed up, don't you think? Say no if and when he wants to just tend to his wants. Ask for what you want, too. And insist that condoms be used if he wants to have that kind of sex with you, and if he isn't using them, he doesn't get to have that kind of sex.
3) In a similar vein, start making your sexual life -- what happens in it, how and when it happens, the responsibility involved, the choices involved -- about BOTH of you, not whatever he wants. Make clear in a talk very soon that has gone on and needs to stop: for your health, for you to not become a parent sooner than you could actually parent well (which is likely not anytime soon from the sounds of things), and because sex is supposed to be about both of your wants and both your pleasure, anyway.
How does any or all of that sound to you? Doable?
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