How to talk to teens about sex

[RedRabbit647]

I’m not sure if this is the appropriate place for this but I’m looking for advice regarding my niece. I was at Target tonight and saw my niece and nephew at the self check out. My niece (just turned 15, high school freshman) was paying and I was talking to my nephew (turning 13 next month, 7th grade). He was showing me the plant he bought that was in one target bag with his other stuff. So I was poking around the other bag asking what his sister bought and there was a black lacy underthing in it. Not a big deal until I saw condoms in the back of the cart, not in a bag. The box was open so I am guessing she was going to take them out of the box so her parents wouldn't find it. Apparently my brother (her father) drove them but he was not in the store. I don't know how to handle this. I wish I had someone to talk to about sex when I was her age or at least someone who wanted to help me through those times. I feel like I want to offer her that but I am scared that if my brother or his wife find out I knew about this, they would be angry with me for not telling them. But if I do tell them, it could hurt my relationship with my niece. Or maybe they know, but I doubt it. And it's really weird to me that my nephew was there and must know about the condoms.
I texted her to see if I could talk to her this weekend but she said she’s busy all weekend. I’m guessing she will just avoid me as long as possible. Not sure what to do.

[Sam W]

Hi RedRabbit647,

Yep, you're in the right place to ask this question! It's great that you want to give you niece the support you never had. From what you're describing, it sounds like right now your best step would be, rather than asking to have a talk with her, making her a basic, judgement free offer that she can take or leave. If what you want her to know is that you're there for her if she ever wants or needs to talk to an adult about sex or relationships, then go ahead and tell her that and then leave the ball in her court. She may respond right away, she may take you up on it in the future, or she may never take you up on it at all. But giving her the information and then letting her take the lead in whether or not to continue the conversation makes it clear that while you want to support her, you respect her autonomy enough to let her decide if and how she talks to you. Does that make sense?

You may also want to check out our Scarleteen Confidential series, which is aimed at adults who want to support the youth in their lives around issues of sex, sexuality, and relationships. We cover lots of different topics, and this piece on our big five tips for talking to youth about sex might be a great starting place for you: http://www.scarleteen.com/scarleteen_co ... e_big_five . I would also recommend that you do not tell her parents about the condoms. Whether or not to tell them that she's sexually active (or considering being sexually active) is a choice she gets to make and, as you pointed out, telling her parents what you saw will torpedo the likelihood that she will want to confide in you in the future.

[RedRabbit647]

Thank you so much Sam. I feel so much better about this. Since I couldn't get her to meet me in person, I texted her that I am here if she ever wants to talk about anything at all, judgment free and that I want to support her and I love her. She responded really well. I think I just need to accept I can't make decisions for her. She just seems so young to me, although I was only a year older when I started having sex.
I am also nervous about my nephew's role in all this. I don't know if he knew they were in the cart or not and whether it is causing him anxiety to be keeping it from his parents. I guess I just need to let it go?

[Sam W]

You're so welcome, and I'm glad the exchange with your niece went well! It's quite common for adults to feel at least some discomfort when they realize that the young people they care about are becoming (or thinking about becoming) sexually active. But recognizing that emotion is the first step in moving past that discomfort and into a place where you can offer your support, and it sounds like you're making great progress towards that headspace. I think your instinct to let your remaining concerns about your nephew go is a good one. What siblings do and do not know about each other's sex lives is something that's best left to them to navigate and discuss between themselves, unless one of them specifically asks for help. That dynamic is part of the larger process of siblings learning how to set boundaries and adjust the bond between them as they move from their teen years into their adult lives.