I can’t get sexual abuse out of my head years after it happened.

[Red2000]

-please read at your own risk, I don’t want to affect anyone-


It’s stuck in my head constantly and stuck in my my dreams sometimes. It happened from my year older brother when I was 6-11 years old. I told my mother and she said I was lying that I tore the family apart for saying anything, then she kicked my brother out but she made me change my story to say It was all consensual so she could bring him back home. She says we were too young to know and it was my fault and that all brothers and sisters do it and experiment with each other when they’re little. That’s not true at all. He started when I was 6 and he 8 and I just went along not understanding but after a year or so, as kids somehow find out what sex is, I understood and didn’t want him to, but he kept making me saying he’d tell mum and dad and that they’d never love me again(we weren’t a happy family anyway I was having whatever love my parents showed when they weren’t at each other’s throats, and dads not in the picture now, I’m 17) so I had to go along with it and I hated it so much. He never cared how much I was falling apart to the point of hearing voices and thing that weren’t there at age 8/9 and just genuinely not functioning like a human being. He pretends to care now because he’s manipulative and is only sorry he was ever found out. And last night I had a night mare of us both at our ages now, not going into detail. We were both in a room, I walked in, just said ‘okay’ (I have no idea why I said it, I was also holding a pack of ham, please don’t take any of this as a joke I’m not my mind is just going I guess) he said ‘finally’ and started raping me but I was screaming no etc. I don’t know if that counts as breaching terms of conditions or anything to add, I just want this gone out of my head I’m so numb from constantly feeling as if his hands are on me and having flashbacks, I just want it to end. Please help me, I want this gone, please.

[al]

Red,

I'm so sorry that this happened to you, and that things feel so difficult right now.

What your mom did was not right - when you told her about what your brother had done, you should have been met with support and caring, not being chastised or being forced to continue to live with someone determined to violate your boundaries. You're absolutely correct in that what your brother did to you wasn't just "normal child development", because it wasn't what you wanted, and it hurt you. He did everything he could to make sure you wouldn't tell, because he knew it was wrong, and still does. And absolutely none of it was your fault. You don't deserve any of this.

Based on what you wrote, it sounds like you're (understandably) feeling really uncomfortable at home right now (and in general). Do you feel like you're in danger, or that you want to hurt yourself?
Is there anybody else in your life that knows about this, that you trust? Do you have any places other than home that you can go to where you feel safe or comfortable?

As for the dreams and flashbacks, I know that the most helpful way to deal with them would be to not be in the environment that you're in right now, and we can strategize about how we can make it through this sucky chapter of your life. But when you feel up to it, it may helpful to check out some of these resources:
Dealing With Rape
The Scarleteen Safety Plan
Self-Care A-La-Carte <<especially this one!

You've already come so far, and have been so brave. Please know that we're thinking of you, and sending love your way.