Friends or more?

[Spiderman23]

Hi,

Just wondered if I could have some help. Me and this guy have been friends for a while, and just recently we've been talking nonstop on social media and I love it when I hear from him. When I see him, I'm usually with other people and I can't seem to figure out if I like him in a friend way or more. He asked to see me so it'd just be me and him someday but it makes me nervous (I'm a very anxious person) as I have never been alone with him for a long period and I don't know how I feel and don't want to lead him on. The thing is if we did take things further there's the risk of ruining the friendship group and I don't know if it's something I'd want to lose. However I'm having a hard time to understand how I feel. A relative of mine said it's not a good idea and when I told her that I might meet him, she thinks something is going on between us. It was mentioned how we would look daft together as she thinks he looks young for his age. I have noticed I do get jealous when he's texting people because I think there's someone else. We are very similar and I look forward to talking to him when I finish work. Also I don't know if I'm slightly taller than him too. Would it be alright to see him as just mates or is that giving him the wrong idea? Don't know what to think.

[Heather]

Can I ask why you think having friend time alone with him would suggest anything besides that you want to do whatever you two plan to do (like going to a museum, or hanging at a park: whatever plans it is you make)?

[Spiderman23]

I suppose if people were aware that it was something I'm doing, they'd assume that there's more going on. All we were going to do is watch tv shows and chill all day. Thing is though there's flirting as well but I suppose that doesn't have to mean anything?

[Heather]

Flirting can just be about flirting!

Per your bigger questions, why not see how this hangout goes, and how you feel about all this after?

If you decide you do want to consider dating (or whatever you want to call pursuing something romantic or sexual), you can always talk with him first about these concerns you have. After all, if he shares your feelings and wants to pursue this too, he may have those same worries himself!

[Spiderman23]

That's really good advice. Thank you! Also I'm not going to lie I do find him attractive and we have the same interests but I don't know if what I'm feeling is just close friendship or more because he wants to talk all the time which I enjoy. Even when he's with his mates he will talk to me via social media, I mean I might not be used to having a close friend that's a boy. Guess the stigma is if you hang out with a guy alone there's something going on. But is it alright to literally talk all the time?

[Heather]

It might help to recognize that way more people, I would say, meet people they ate into romantically or sexually via existing social groups. It's much harder to meet people outside those. Plus, being friends first is ideal, if you ask me.

If we can't or don't want to be a friend to someone, we probably won't want or have a good other-kind-of-relationship with them. Not for long anyway.

If you two like to talk to each other all the time, that's lovely! This sounds like a good thing so far to me!

[Spiderman23]

Thanks for your quick replying! I am just so scared to mess things up and I know I shouldn't but I really care what people think. My mum thinks there's something going on with us because I mentioned seeing him (just us two) but I explained that we are just mates. I'm just not used to a nice guy wanting to talk all the time and we get along so well with our shared interests. I have bad anxiety so I overthink everything and play all the situations that could happen in my head, always coming out with the worst option

[Alice O]

It sounds like you're wondering: Is this what a close friendship feels like? What a friendship with a boy feels like? What being interested in someone as more than a friend feels like? Sometimes not having a clear answer can worsen our anxiety! But I would encourage you to not rush yourself in figuring it out...As Heather said, the best way to figure it out is to spend some more time together. And by giving yourself all the time you need to understand what you are feeling and what you are interested in!

Do you think it'd be helpful to address some of those worst case scenarios? Sometimes it can be helpful to look at those and realize a. they aren't that bad! or b. they are easily avoidable! Also, do you have any strategies for dealing with your anxiety when it comes up?

(And I totally know the stigma you are referencing, but you are right, people of different genders can absolutely be close friends!)

[Spiderman23]

I just think 'what if we start dating and ends badly and the friendship is ruined' 'what if he straight up tells me he likes me and I don't know what to say'. I don't want to ruin what we have but then if we don't give it a go I will never know. That's what goes through my head. Dealing with anxiety I ball my fist, focus on the present and try to calm myself down by talking myself through it (in my head)

[Spiderman23]

Also I know flirting is harmless but there is stuff he says where he actually means stuff it. Like regarding cuddles and such

[Alice O]

Ok let's take each worst case scenario!

1. What if we start dating and ends badly and the friendship is ruined?
I think Heather's advice is very applicable here: "If you decide you do want to consider dating (or whatever you want to call pursuing something romantic or sexual), you can always talk with him first about these concerns you have. After all, if he shares your feelings and wants to pursue this too, he may have those same worries himself!"

2. What if he straight up tells me he likes me and I don't know what to say?
Saying "I'm not quite sure how I feel yet" is a totally okay response! But also, if he were to say this to you, maybe you would know by then that your answer is: "I love hanging out with you, but I really just want a friendship with you" or "I like you too!" How does this sound?

Whatever the worst case scenario that pops up, I think you are right to focus on the present! Because the reality is, we don't know what will happen, but we do know that whatever situation arises you will do your best in handling!

When he talks about cuddling and things like that, how do you feel? Sometimes for us anxious-people a lot of excitement can come with a lot of anxiety. Do you think that's what you're feeling? Or is there more a feeling of dread or uncomfortableness?

[Spiderman23]

Thank you for your advice, you and Heather have been more than helpful! I think I just want to control everything and have an answer for everything but it's impossible!

In the past I've said to him that I'm cold and he replied back with 'cuddles?' I think when he has said that and some other things, it triggers excitement but also a lot of nervousness. Like it's sweet of him to say it but sometimes I don't know how to react

[Alice O]

I totally resonate! Sometimes I find it helpful to remind myself of the things I *do* have control over. For example, I wonder if some of the nervousness you have when he texts about cuddling is because you don't feel quite ready to cuddle with him yet! You mentioned the idea of spending one on one time feels a bit scary. So it might be helpful to remind yourself that what happens between you two, and when it happens, is something you get to decide! (Along with him of course).

With anxiety of this sort it can help to just keep saying--there is no rush, there is no rush, there is no rush, there is no rush, there is no rush

I'm glad you have found talking to me and Heather helpful. That's what we're here for! Where would you like to take the conversation from here?

[Spiderman23]

I just think as well that if it's me and him what if it's awkward because he's a shy person and I'm obviously an anxious person. Just scared of saying the wrong thing or having nothing to talk about.

[Spiderman23]

Also I feel like if I see him my mum would be annoyed with me, I said just as friends but it's as if she doesn't believe me. She actually said if we were to date, she said we would look silly as she thinks he looks young for his age

[Alice O]

Hey Spiderman23,

Since Heather followed up with you about counseling (a great resource for those with anxiety!) in a different thread, I'll let you continue that conversation there.

Would it help to go in to your hang out expecting some degree of awkwardness? And knowing that with time and familiarity, it will get less awkward between you two? Often when we are spending one-on-one time with someone for the first time, especially someone who we might have romantic or sexual feelings for, things are a little awkward!

In terms of your mom, how is your relationship with her general? Is there someone else, another family member or friend, where talking to them about dating makes you feel good?

[Spiderman23]

Me and my mum are pretty close and I tell her a lot of stuff that might be puzzling me. Yeah I guess there's my best friend I could talk too. Thing is I care what my mum thinks and her having this opinion affects me.

[Sam W]

Hi Spiderman23,

Then it sounds like maybe talking to your friend about this for the time being is a good option for you. It's totally normal to care what a parent thinks and have their opinions affect how you feel about things. And if you have a good relationship with them most of the time, sometimes it can help to add their opinion to the mix when weighing a decision. But other times (and this happens more and more as you get older) their opinion will differ from yours, and deciding not to go with their opinion does not make you bad or irresponsible or anything like that. Does that make sense?

[Spiderman23]

Yes it does make sense I just really care what she thinks when I know it's only my opinion that should matter

[Sam W]

I mean, it's a good thing that we take other people's feelings/opinions into account from time to time. It often helps us avoid being jerks. The more you practice, the easier it gets figuring out how and when to factor those opinions in.

[Spiderman23]

Very true! Thank you so the thing is to go with what feels right even if her opinion might differ?

[Sam W]

Yep, you got it!

[Spiderman23]

Ok thank you, it's just difficult because it makes me think that I have disappointed her or something. Silly I know but I overthink pretty much everything

[Heather]

Honestly, we are all going to be constantly disappointing one another in life: that's just part of being human and in relationships with one another. And when it comes to parents, we also are highly unlikely to make all the choices they personally feel are ideal, including because their own ideals and ours might not match!

[Spiderman23]

Ok thank you, I suppose I just have to think for myself and forget what others think. I love talking to him and it honestly scares me that I might be falling for him.