Friends or more?

Any questions or discussions that you ONLY want to discuss with our staff or volunteers.
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Karyn
previous staff/volunteer
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Location: Canada

Re: Friends or more?

Unread post by Karyn »

Can you talk a little bit more about what it is that scares you about possibly falling for him? Is it just the concerns you've mentioned already, about the possibility of ruining the friendship and not knowing what to say, or is there something else you're worried about?
"Where there is power, there is resistance." -Michel Foucault
Spiderman23
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Age: 26
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Re: Friends or more?

Unread post by Spiderman23 »

There is the main concern about ruining the friendship we have and the group we're in. However I just think with my lack of experience what if I'm not good at the whole relationship thing? I just worry about what people think (as previously mentioned as he does look young for his age) also I worry about our height difference as I'm not sure if we are the same height or if I'm slightly taller
Karyn
previous staff/volunteer
Posts: 1407
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 3:00 pm
Age: 39
Awesomeness Quotient: I collect condoms.
Primary language: English
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: queer
Location: Canada

Re: Friends or more?

Unread post by Karyn »

Maybe it would help to remember that pretty much no one is good at something they've never done? (And even for folks who've had plenty of experience, each new partner is different, so there's always a learning curve!)

I can't guarantee that if you do end up dating, that it won't ruin your friendship or your friendship group dynamics. It's never possible to guarantee that, because we never know what will happen in the future. However, even if things do change (which may very well happen regardless) it's likely not the end of the world; people are pretty adaptable overall and can usually find a way of adjusting to whatever shift has taken place.

As for concerns about how old he looks and his height, if other people choose to criticise then that's their problem, not yours. Have you talked at all with your therapist about your big concerns about what other people think?
"Where there is power, there is resistance." -Michel Foucault
Spiderman23
not a newbie
Posts: 57
Joined: Sat Jul 01, 2017 12:12 pm
Age: 26
Pronouns: She
Location: England

Re: Friends or more?

Unread post by Spiderman23 »

I think the possibility of a relationship scares me as the person gets to know a lot about you and I'm quite an independent person. I haven't discussed people's opinions in detail with my therapist, no
Spiderman23
not a newbie
Posts: 57
Joined: Sat Jul 01, 2017 12:12 pm
Age: 26
Pronouns: She
Location: England

Re: Friends or more?

Unread post by Spiderman23 »

Also I'm a pretty insecure person especially when it comes to my height, I'm quite tall for a girl and would absolutely love to be 3 inches shorter. how tall a guy is is a big deal to me (I know it sounds silly) so not knowing how tall the guy I'm talking to is in comparison to me, is proving to be difficult for me
Karyn
previous staff/volunteer
Posts: 1407
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 3:00 pm
Age: 39
Awesomeness Quotient: I collect condoms.
Primary language: English
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: queer
Location: Canada

Re: Friends or more?

Unread post by Karyn »

It might be worth bringing that up with your therapist next time you see them, and asking if they'd be willing to work on that with you. Maybe even mention the height thing specifically as a starting point?

As for the vulnerability that comes with someone getting to know you better (I wouldn't say it's a loss of independence, so much, because in a healthy relationship people are still able to have whatever degree of independence they like) that is something that can be scary. Especially if it isn't something you're used to, or something that hasn't gone well in the past, opening yourself up and letting someone else get to know you very well can be a really nerve-racking thing. It doesn't tend to happen all at once, though; just like getting to know anyone, it usually happens over time at a pace that both people are comfortable with, and it's also something you can slow down if you like. Does that help at all?

(It's also worth mentioning that if this just feels like too much for you right now, and something you're maybe not quite ready for, then that's totally okay too.)
"Where there is power, there is resistance." -Michel Foucault
Spiderman23
not a newbie
Posts: 57
Joined: Sat Jul 01, 2017 12:12 pm
Age: 26
Pronouns: She
Location: England

Re: Friends or more?

Unread post by Spiderman23 »

Yes that totally makes sense! Thank you for everyone's advice and help, really needed this in writing so I can look back and reassure myself that I can make my own decisions and if people disagree then that's their fault :) I shouldn't worry so much about what everyone thinks about me and my choices
Karyn
previous staff/volunteer
Posts: 1407
Joined: Sun Jul 27, 2014 3:00 pm
Age: 39
Awesomeness Quotient: I collect condoms.
Primary language: English
Pronouns: she/her
Sexual identity: queer
Location: Canada

Re: Friends or more?

Unread post by Karyn »

Glad we could help. :)
"Where there is power, there is resistance." -Michel Foucault
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