The girl of my dreams is a guy that's not coming out

[Scarletwentytwo]

Hello,
I'm a girl and have always felt a little odd about my sexual orientation because I grew up believing being gay was wrong. I finally became comfortable enough with myself to start seeing girls. I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for almost two years. Except she is figuring herself out and might be figuring himself out. It's not that I have a problem with people that are trans and I want to make that so clear. I just think my orientation matters too. It's something I have gone through a lot of hardships to overcome. I have been holding everything inside because I love her(also i'm not using the wrong pronouns she still uses she) so much for who she is on the inside and that doesn't change. I also don't want her to not be who she really is because she is scared to lose me. I don't feel sexually attracted to men and just knowing that her gender is in question makes me feel guilty when I think about her as HER. I feel like I can't picture my life without her and she's everything I want but she is everything I want in a Woman not Man. I think it makes it worse that she probs won't ever come out. She doesn't want to be my wife, she wants to be my husband and I want a wife and would have to upset her and me by calling her that when I'm the only one that knows that's not the case. I feel like a horrible person and I feel sad and I don't know what to do. I know I sound insensitive and she has it worse but I need help because i'm losing sleep at night.

[Sam W]

Hi Scarlet,

There's a lot going on here, and this sounds like a tough situation for everyone involved, so I'll do my best to tease some things out.

First, to make sure I have this correct, your partner is in the process of working out their gender identity. What does that look like for them? Is it "I was assigned female but am actually a guy" or is it something less binary and more fluid?

If your partner is a guy, and you are someone who experiences no attraction to men (regardless of how those men look or what body parts they have), then that in all likelihood means breaking up. That will suck in the moment, but it's ultimately the kindest decision to both of you. If the change in gender negates the other things that draw you to your partner, you get to honor your own sexual identity. And for your partner, they deserve to be with someone who is attracted to them as they truly are.

I also wonder, how much have you and your partner talked about what this all means for your relationship? Are you on the same page about how their transitioning in any way would mean the end of your romantic relationship (it wouldn't automatically mean leaving each others lives completely), or are you each operating from some different assumptions about how things are going?