my dad touched me

[random7777]

so my dad was in my room and he begins rubbing my back while i’m showing him a youtube video or something and all is good. he then falls asleep, or at least what seems like it on my bed, and his hand would travel towards my bare chest under my top and would rub my sensitive area, it just seemed like he must’ve known what he was doing but i’ve forever told myself otherwise. this has happened about 4 times. once before he also got off my bed and there was a small wet patch where he had been laying, and i hope it’s not what i think it is. so no he never asked for permission i guess, i didn’t get the option, but when i would say hey and push his hand away, he would continue. i’m not sure if this is classified as sexual abuse/harassment, and where to go from here, but most importantly i don’t know whether to believe if he was awake or asleep. please help

[Sam W]

Hi Random7777,

What you're describing does fall under sexual abuse, and I'm so sorry that someone so close to you chose to do this. While I can't know for certain whether he was asleep or not, I think it's highly unlikely that he was. Movements during sleep aren't nearly as deliberate as this, and aren't going to continue if the hand is pushed away from where it was. Which means that he was choosing to do this each time. And that can be a pretty heavy, difficult thing to process.

We're more than happy to talk to you about where to go from here and ways to get support, but before we so can you tell me if you're still living with your dad? Or are you now living somewhere where he doesn't have this kind of access to you?

[random7777]

no I am still living with both my mum and dad

[Sam W]

Got it. Have these incidents been pretty recent?

Have you told anyone about what happened? If not, then a next step we can talk about is who you can talk to about this so that other people in a position to protect you know what's going on and help you out. If you're worried that this might happen again soon, we can also talk about options you have in addition to telling someone about it to minimize the chances of that (I don't say that to blame you for the other incidents, by the way, because nothing that happened is your fault.)

This kind of thing can be a lot to take in, so I want to ask: how are you feeling given what I said in my first response to your thread?

[random7777]

I'm feeling kinda weird, like not sad, angry, etc. just kinda like trying to forget it, because i guess that's what i've done this whole time, i think the first time it happened was beginning of 2015 and last was 4 months ago maybe. i did tell one friend. i dont feel in danger though, like i dont feel like it would happen again. i just don't like knowing that this has happened and seeing him everyday like everythings normal. i just also find him a general pervert, looking and hitting my bum, or willing to help me fake tan my back, or walk in on me showering, etc. i just feel a bit uncomfortable is all.

[Heather]

If he's still harassing you like that, it is still happening. Sexual abuse can be like that, too -- more emotional and psychological than physical. And of course it makes you uncomfortable. Unfortunately, it's supposed to and it works.

Do you want to talk about what your options can be with this, including what options you may have to not have to live with this? Or we can just focus on your feelings instead.

[random7777]

if you could discuss options, that’d be good, but i’m not sure if i will go along with them. just knowing there’s backup will be comforting, so yes please

[Sam W]

Okay, so to start with I'm going to lay a few options out there and we can talk about how you feel about them and which ones seem the most doable for you right now. If none of them seem viable, we can brainstorm some more (I don't want to hit you with just a giant wall of text right off the bat).

The first big thing to try is to tell someone (or several someones) about what's been going on to offer them the chance to step up and help stop what your dad is doing. For instance, have you told your mom? If not, is that something you'd be willing to try?

Something else is seeing if there are ways you can limit his access to you in the short-term, like putting a lock on your door (or the bathroom door) if there isn't one already there. I don't say that in a victim-blamey way of "if only you do this, then it will stop" but rather to say this is one possible tool you can have in your belt while dealing with this situation. The fault still lies completely with him for choosing to do this.

[random7777]

oh yeah, um i kind of don’t want to tell my mum or do anything or around the house that will raise suspicion. she’s just very sort of aggressive and will make life hell for him or hurt him, which i am scared to have happen. she’s threatened him before, and i’m just scared of what she might do. and yes of course locks may look suspicious, which i don’t want to have to explain. sorry about this..

[Heather]

There's nothing for you to be sorry about. Please know from the front that we're here to help in the ways that we can. It might be some things we offer aren't within reach for you or aren't what you want: neither are anything you need to be sorry for.

So, it sounds to me like you are saying BOTH of your parents may be abusive, not just your father. Do I have that right? I don't know what you mean by "make life hell for him, " and to be honest, I'm much more concerned about you than about your father, but can you tell me a little more? Does your mother emotionally abuse members of your family, like by making threats of harm often? Has she done physical harm to any of you before?

I hear you voicing concern for your father if you tell your mother. But setting that aside for a moment, do you feel like telling her also just wouldn't help you? For instance, are you worried she will hurt or otherwise harm you if you tell her this? Or that she would only harm your father, but not actually help you or do anything to get you safer?

Can I ask, just as a thing for us to know in case it's useful, if you have any extended family you know to be safe and who you can trust and get help from if needed? Or the family of any friends? Any neighbors?

[random7777]

um my mum does emotionally abuse to a certain extent, just lack of empathy, and undergoes massive mood swings where she turns angry and swears and punches/threatens my dad, but has only ever sworn and hit me with a pillow, while my younger sister receives nothing. this is quite rare for her to hurt me, but my father may receive this anywhere from once a month to a week straight. they sleep in seperate beds and have considered divorce but dad does not want to leave us kids, especially in her hands since she would take out the abuse on us. mum also sticks around for money i believe, as she could not possibly live on her own money she makes. by making life hell for him if she were to find out i feel she would hurt him, divorce him, not allow him to see us again, etc and possibly other things if she became that angry. as i said i’m just afraid as to what she would do to him, i believe she would not hurt me, so i am in no way fearing what she may do to me, and i beleive she would help me. i do have family that i could talk to, even neighbors. but preferably would approach my family first.

[random7777]

also how can i make sure my sister tells me if anything were to happen and is this responsible for my lack of sympathy and my fear of male teachers when i was younger ?? and just in general men now ? also i think i shouldn’t be feeling sad or angry or anything because so many more have it worse off and maybe i should just continue ignoring it since it isn’t a big deal

[Siân]

Hi random777,

That sounds like a lot to be dealing with at home, I'm sorry. It sounds like your mum might not be the safest person to speak to. You suggest other speaking to other family members as a good first step for you - so shall we help you make a plan for doing that?

I hear that you want to look out for your sister too. Have you had any conversations to let her know that you're there for her and she can come to you if anyone crosses a line? Is there anything that makes you particularly worried for her?

You get to be sad and angry. Whatever feelings you have about this are real and valid. Comparing our troubles to those of others doesn't make the things we're dealing with any less real or any less awful, and, really, it does sound like you're dealing with a lot.

I can't tell you for certain that this is the reason you feared male teachers or fear men more generally, but those fears are understandable given the things you've gone through. There are plenty of men in the world who are safe to be around, but having been made to feel so unsafe by someone you should be able to trust makes it even harder to assume people are good.

[random7777]

i’m just unsure what will change if i were to talk to another family member about it

[Heather]

My hope would be that another family member might arrange for you both to live with them, temporarily or permanently, as it is clear BOTH your parents are not safe for you.

I hear your concerns for your father. I know it's hard to do this, but as both of your parents, including your father, are abusing you, the person MOST at risk of harm is clearly you, in all of this (and I'm so sorry for that, I know what it's like to be the person in a home getting the most abuse -- it's so isolating). I'd encourage you to work very hard on trying to think about YOU and YOUR safety right now.

Your father is an adult, and has much more freedom and ability to manage his own safety than you, even if in the family dynamic, he behaves like he doesn't have those privileges.

Too, it's very common for incest survivors to be protective of those who have been/are abusing them -- there's something about the way that kind of abuse and that kind of abuser plays out that often creates that dynamic, where the abused child feels they must be the protector of the person doing them harm. That often extends to "protecting" the abusive person by keeping the secret of the sexual abuse in the first place, which isn't actually about protecting anyone. That emotional manipulation is about allowing the abuser to avoid responsibility for their abuse, and to allow them to keep their opportunity to abuse.

Your father doesn't need you to protect him. His job is supposed to be to protect you, and he isn't doing it. Instead, he's been harming you and making it harder for you to survive in this whole family dynamic.

He isn't the most vulnerable person, and the person least safe, here. You are.

When it comes to his abuse of you, he also isn't the victim: you are, and that's not because of your mother, that's most directly because of your father, as he is the one who has been choosing to abuse you. Secondarily, it seems you both are being abused by your mother in various ways, but it's not your job to take care of the adults in this, it's theirs. It's your job to take care of you.

Personally, I would strongly encourage you to just think some more about seeking help from social services. You don't have to do anything now if that feels worse or less safe to you, you can just think more about it and find out what that kind of help could do.

I don't know what territory of AU you're in, but if you can let me know, I can at least get you a list of help services so you have them and can think more about using them. I know that it's hard, especially if you've been through various kinds of abuse all your life, but let's try best we can to focus on YOU and doing whatever we can to try and increase YOUR safety, okay? To us, here, it's you who we can help.

Know we're thinking of you and rooting hard for you over here. <3

[random7777]

wow this truly means a lot, really, just to know people care and are supporting me is incredible. thankyou so much <3

ps i’m from VIC

[random7777]

also I’d like to ask about your story at home receiving abuse ?? if that’s okay of course ?

[random7777]

and i’m also worried extended family aren’t going to believe me or may think i’m being dramatic as it’s their family and they may be in disbelief

[Heather]

Okay. Let me look over the next day or so to make you a list for Victoria. And absolutely: we're here for you in this and are going to do all we can to help.

My home abuse wasn't usually sexual (and when it was, it was more emotional than physical, like threats of sexual abuse), so I'm betting the whole of my story with living with abuse isn't all that relevant. Maybe, though, talking about how it felt living in abuse when I was getting it from more than one person, and no one else, including my sister, seemed to be getting it at all, is the part that you might want to talk together about? I have to head off for the day very shortly (and just recently had some of the memories and feelings of that family abuse dredged up in something that just happened to me yesterday, so today I'm probably too twitchy to talk about that well), but if that sounds like what you were asking about, I can do that tomorrow.

I totally understand the concern about not being believed, or having people suggest you're just creating drama. It's awful to face that kind of response, so it makes sense to worry about it.

Is there anyone in your extended family you can think of who you feel pretty sure would NOT respond that way? Who you feel pretty sure would believe you from the front and want to help you in ways that are earnestly helpful?

[Heather]

(By the way, Sam is also here today if you want to keep talking to someone right now as I'm heading out. I'll start on that list for you tonight. <3)

[Sam W]

Hi Random, I'm so, so glad you're open to resources. That's a huge step in taking care of yourself, and you deserve to feel proud for taking it.

I found three that I think are possible starting points: one is a sexual assault survivors resource, one if for survivors of domestic violence, and one is a direct line to child protection services. You can take a look at each one and see if one (or more) jumps out at you as a starting point.

https://www.sacl.com.au/
https://www.safesteps.org.au/our-services/
https://services.dhhs.vic.gov.au/reporting-child-abuse

From looking at them while I was researching, Safe Steps might be a good starting point, because they look well-equipped to help you safety plan and get connected to local resources. But, you're the expert in your situation, so I'm going to defer to you, okay?

Too, with reporting to social services in particular, if you feel stuck or unsure how to go about that, that's something we can talk about. It's not exactly the same as the system I know (I'm in the U.S) but there are some elements of reporting that are pretty consistent.

[random7777]

thankyou