Actually, I might just leave it here. All the stories are connected anyway.
Here it is:
I’m starting to feel a little bad for constantly posting on the same topic, but sometimes I really feel like you guys are the only ones that understand.
So, this is where we left off:
http://www.scarleteen.com/bb/viewtopic. ... 782#p25782
Things have gotten better for me. The antidepressants have been kind of a game changer. Not only have they helped my depression, but they’ve cured the depression-triggered insomnia that I had had for years but didn’t realize I had until my doctor told me.
I’m transferring off of the neuro unit that I have a hard time with. I’ll be on postpartum, which I think I’ll really enjoy. And hopefully with time I can transition to L&D.
Today was the first day my mom and I had a big fight in a long time, though.
My brother is in the process of trying to purchase a new car, and he called me kind of upset because my mom was supposed to be helping him but rushed through the entire process, complaining about how she had “things to do” the whole time.
And I guess it just triggered a bunch of buried feelings about her lack of prioritization when it comes to us.
I called her and confronted her about it. It’s probably the first time I’ve confronted her since I decided I wasn’t going to do it anymore in my last thread 6 months ago.
As usual, she dismissed everything I said to her and made excuses. When I cited the fact that she is at least three hours late EVERY time she comes to see me, she tried to blame traffic.
She talks about all the “sacrifices” she made when my father was alive and physically healthy, as though her allowing him to abuse our family was some kind of service. I know she tries to minimize what we went through and just focus on what SHE went through because she feels guilty, but it really messes with my head. I know I’ve said it before, but I honestly feel like if I hadn’t documented it here I would think that I overreacted and blew things out of proportion.
I don’t know, we talked again a few minutes ago and things were kind of smoothed over, and I know she’ll try a little harder to be on time and things like that for a little while, and then things will start to slip again.
Fighting with her has kind of brought up another lingering thought, though. One that’s been nagging at me for a while.
I REALLY feel like I need a meaningful relationship with someone. Not even necessarily a romantic relationship, but just someone who I can open up to about everything past, present and future.
I have friends who are amazing, fun, etc. They have come through for me in a lot of days. I’ll never forget how my friends came through for me when my dad died.
But the thing is, I don’t have a friend that I can call up crying after I’ve had a fight with my mom or something like that. My closer friends know some snippets of the stuff that happened in my past, but I’ve never sat down and told any of them the whole story, and I suspect that they would probably be uncomfortable hearing it.
I had what I thought was a best friend for a few years but we’ve MAJORLY grown apart the last few months. I guess I got tired of being the one to put all the effort into our friendship, so I stopped bending over backwards, and now we barely see each other.
I guess kind of the breaking point was a couple months ago. I recently purchased my first house. I’m still SUPER excited and incredibly proud of myself, because I’ve been building this life for myself for so many years, and now I have this place that legally belongs to me and that’s just an awesome feeling.
Anyway, I had kept her updated throughout the whole process, and she said she would come help me move in. Now, I had movers, so it would have been mostly unpacking/decorating. I didn’t really need or expect her to be there, but I was kind of looking forward to having someone to share it with.
But she never showed. Not so much as a call or text saying that something came up. The next day, she tests me with “Sorry, I fell asleep”.
We didn’t speak for a few weeks after that, and it was her that eventually broke the silence with something like “OMG I cant believe we haven’t talked for 2 weeks.”
I’ve still kept my distance though. I went to an all girls valentines party at her house last month and pretty much got put on cleaning duty when I got there and basically ignored when the guests arrived. We haven’t texted much since.
I’ve lived in my new house for 2 months now and she hasn’t even expressed any interest in seeing it, even though it’s on the way to her hometown and I know she passes by semi-regularly.
So, to summarize the last few detailed paragraphs, I no longer have a best friend, and I suspect I haven’t for a long time if ever. She was the only person I could really call when I had a hard time with something.
There is my older sister, but I called her earlier and she was eating dinner. She hasn’t called back.
I’ve been thinking for a long time about how all the people close to me are so unreliable, and how I would LOVE to just have one person I could truly count on
I’ve never been in a better place in my life than I am now, but I ‘m also SO isolated. I feel like it’s something I need to work on, but making friends can me so stressful for me. I wish I could just snap my fingers and have a lifelong best friend that I know I can depend on. And these really is one of those things that gets harder as you start entering “real adulthood”. Somehow, everyone you know just starts to be married and having kids and aren’t really looking for friendship beyond someone to pass the time with at work.
Thanks for listening to my scattered ranting. Posting here always makes me feel less alone.