Not even

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Chimichanga
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Not even

Unread postby Chimichanga » Tue Jun 26, 2018 1:18 pm

Hi. So masturbation for me is less of a pleasure and more of a habit. A disappointing and discouraging one. Stimulating the clit is annoying because it is the only thing I remotely feel something by and it very quickly goes from ok to uncomfortable. And whenever I stimulate the clit, I want penetration and when I do, it feels wrong. Penetration does nothing for me but in my imagination. Even then it's really hard for me to get and STAY turned on. A lot of times, I feel like the only way I'll ever have a chance to enjoy sex itself is with someone I am fond of and am comfortable with (which is a genre of its own lol) and that really sucks.

Thanks

Mo
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Re: Not even

Unread postby Mo » Tue Jun 26, 2018 3:52 pm

I'm sorry you're finding masturbation to be disappointing! I do think that if you hit a point where you're feeling actively frustrated or you feel like you've lost a pleasurable feeling, it's probably good to either stop entirely for the time being or take a break for a moment. It sounds like it's not always easy for you to stay in that arousal zone, and I can certainly understand why that would be disappointing, but if you do feel like you're just not there anymore I think it might be good to just stop and come back to masturbating when you feel like it again. Sitting in that frustration and trying to push through it often makes the feeling stronger and just makes masturbation (or partnered sex, for that matter) even more frustrating.

Sometimes it does take a while for people to find the sorts of touch that feel best to them during masturbation, so it could be that you just need a little more time and experimentation. If you aren't using a lubricant, that might be something to try; it can cut down on the friction that might be making things feel too intense and uncomfortable. Also, if you aren't using lubrication for any sort of insertion, that should definitely help! Some people do find it feels better in theory or fantasy than in practice, but you might try something like using latex gloves for smoother/easier finger insertion, so that you're starting off with something really small, before you attempt anything else. When you say it feels wrong, is that related to pain? Or some other sensation that's happening?

Chimichanga
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Re: Not even

Unread postby Chimichanga » Thu Jun 28, 2018 3:04 pm

Hi.
I've been using lube. Doesn't really rock my world, though olive oil isn't bad but has a bad rep. When I say that the penetration feels wrong, it's as if the vagina is an external organ. Like, I've been using a cucumber (giggle) and sure, obviously I feel it inside,but I don't FEEL it inside. I don't really feel the FRICTION from the inside. I tried poking at the spongy part once, And it didn't directly hurt on the poked area, but caused overall pain on the hip area. I believe that was a one time thing though. So I tried stimulating both external and internal, but it was annoying. I feel at this point I have a bad relationship with myself. I was in a sex store today and was tempted to buy a vibrator, but then my mind was like "Really? You're gonna waste more money on this? You already thought lube, a cucumber and a condom could fix your solo sex life, but you were wrong. You think this can help? You're setting yourself up for disappointment". I felt like I wasn't worth the investment. I felt crushed. I felt sad. Sometimes I think I'm a little ace because of it, but it's not that I don't have desires, they're just turned off very easily. It sucks that for something that is supposed to relax you, you need to be relaxed. Maybe I watched too much video adult content and my standards of excitement have risen? I always look and think that the key to contentment is where I'm not, hence the dilemma of the vibrator.

Heather
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Re: Not even

Unread postby Heather » Thu Jun 28, 2018 3:29 pm

It sounds to me like you're in such a negative headspace from not having your expectations met right now that chances are good you're not going to feel very satisfied no matter what you do. I know, another WTF thing: in order to feel less frustrated, you're probably going to have to -- yep, you guessed it -- figure out how to feel less frustrated.

I'd suggest you take a little time away from trying, like Mo suggested. Give yourself time to get an escape from all these hard feelings and bummers, and time to focus on other parts of your life. Then maybe take some times where you let yourself get excited (or explore more in your head to figure out what gets you MORE excited) before you try masturbation again. See if you can't maybe teach yourself to stick with your imagination some more -- sexual fantasy often is a big part of many people's solo sexual lives (and or plenty, also with partners), and see how that goes. Maybe see them how focusing on your external clitoris, which it sounds like you've had more success with -- and does tend to be how more people with vulvas masturbate than with vaginal entry stuff anyway -- goes.

If you feel like you have been super influenced by what porn presents as satisfying (which is most often not realistic), maybe taking a break from that to give yourself time to explore on your own, even just in your imagination, is a good call, too. If nothing else, porn tends to make it seem like the ONLY sexual parts of bodies are genitals, mouths and breasts, and that's just not at all true, and focusing on (in your head, per what you're figuring is what's erotic, or in action, with your hands or toys) those parts alone might be part of the issue. Porn also rarely shows anyone who doesn't need some real time to get turned on before they even start anything sexual, which if you're not taking, could be part of why things feel so meh to you.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead

Chimichanga
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Re: Not even

Unread postby Chimichanga » Fri Jun 29, 2018 12:39 pm

I will take all this to thought. But what I must share is that it's easier for me to get turned on at mostly random times, but when I try to turn it into action, I have to fight the trigger that pulls the plug. Like masturbation turns it off. Usually when I study, and I just subconciously fiddle, it's nice. But once I'm aware of it, switch.

Siân
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Re: Not even

Unread postby Siân » Sat Jun 30, 2018 7:36 am

Urgh, I know that "switch" feeling you're talking about. Do you think it might be partly to do with the pattern of frustration that you've mentioned and the pressure you're giving yourself for masturbation to be a certain kind of experience?

Chimichanga
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Re: Not even

Unread postby Chimichanga » Sat Jul 07, 2018 2:25 pm

Perhaps. I can get turned on, but the moment I try to translate it into touch, it feels forced. Like, the only way to feel anything is to let it burn inside you with no exit. I am a person who is stuck and feel emotionally incapable of moving my mentality's comfort zone beyond the anticipation phase of life. My brain doesn't want to know what'll happen or to try even. It wants to live in a eutopia where the possibilities of the outcomes of my life are endless. I can only think of my feeling, and not pursue it.

Chimichanga
not a newbie
Posts: 15
Joined: Sun Mar 25, 2018 1:23 pm
My pronouns: She/her
Location: Israel

Re: Not even

Unread postby Chimichanga » Sat Jul 07, 2018 2:44 pm

So... about taking a break... how will I know when I'm finally worth investing in a toy?

Siân
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Re: Not even

Unread postby Siân » Sun Jul 08, 2018 2:24 am

Sounds like you've got pretty ambitious goals for masturbation! That's probably creating a lot of pressure for the experience to be this one specific thing, rather than simply a pleasurable experience. A break from that pressure seems like a great idea.

Maybe whilst you're taking some time out you can practice noticing when you experience things that feel good in your body - like a hot shower, or a breath of cool air on a hot day, or anything really - and just enjoying them without needing them to be anything. This can help you learn to tune into your body in a way that isn't focused on any particular goal if that makes sense? We have an article here on tuning into other kinds of pleasure in life: I Feel Good: Pleasure and Fulfillment Anything in there speak to you?

As for investing in a toy, only you can really make that decision, but I would think that being in a place where masturbation was an enjoyable activity that you wanted to add to - rather than hoping it would magically "fix" something - would be important?


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