Is it my fault...
Forum rules
This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
This area of the boards is expressly for support and help for those who are currently in or have survived abuse or assault. It is also for those seeking information or discussion about abuse or assault. Please make every effort in this space to be supportive and sensitive. Posts in this area may or do describe abuse or assault explicitly.
This area of the boards is also not an area where those who are themselves abusing anyone or who have abused or assaulted someone may post about doing that or seek support. We are not qualified to provide that kind of help, and that also would make a space like this feel profoundly unsafe for those who are being or who have been abused. If you have both been abused and are abusing, we can only discuss harm done to you: we cannot discuss you yourself doing harm to others. If you are someone engaging in abuse who would like help, you can start by seeking out a mental healthcare provider.
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Grace
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Is it my fault...
I am a lesbian dyke...I had issues with my ex girlfriend and I needed help so I wanted someone to talk to so I went to my father and came out to him and then he told me it was okay...And so is it to have sex with your father and then he raped me...So I kinda tried to move on and I needed someone to be there for me and there was this friend who was asking me out...for the first time I accepted and I told him what happened to me...I thought he would be supportive but he also just drugged my drink and raped me for the whole night...Was it my fault to tell my dad that am lez...did that arouse him...should I have told him in the first place...And for the other guy did it also arouse him to tell him about the rape?
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Sam W
- scarleteen staff/volunteer
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- Location: Desert
Re: Is it my fault...
Hi Grace,
I'm so sorry that two separate people who should have been trustworthy and safe chose to assault you. What happened was not your fault, it was theirs because they made that choice. There's nothing wrong with asking a parent for help on a relationship issue, or asking a friend to support you after something awful happens. Have you received any support around what happened, either from people you're close to or professionals?
Too, in the case of your dad, are you still living at home?
I'm so sorry that two separate people who should have been trustworthy and safe chose to assault you. What happened was not your fault, it was theirs because they made that choice. There's nothing wrong with asking a parent for help on a relationship issue, or asking a friend to support you after something awful happens. Have you received any support around what happened, either from people you're close to or professionals?
Too, in the case of your dad, are you still living at home?
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Heather
- scarleteen founder & director
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- Location: Chicago
Re: Is it my fault...
(I was writing this for you when Sam was, and since we didn't say exactly the same things, I'm going ahead and putting it through anyway. - H)
Grace, I'm so sorry this was done to you by these people you should have been able to trust.
No, this is not your fault. Rape isn't usually about people who rape being aroused in the way we think abou this when we're talking about consensual sex, not sexual violence: it's usually about power and control, instead. In this case, I suspect it also was about homophobia (some people call this "corrective rape," a team which describes sexual violence that people do who have such ignorance about homosexuality and sexuality they think gay or lesbian people can be changed -- to being straight -- by sexual violence).
This isn't about you making a bad choice: your parent and your friend both SHOULD have been safe people for you, both to tell this to, and just safe for you, period. It's THEIR fault that they chose not to be safe and instead chose to exploit and abuse you when you were vulnerable. They betrayed you, they chose to do violence to you. This is on them, not on you.
What can we do for you right now: what kind of help would you like from us most? Are you able to be away and stay away from both of these people, who obviously are not safe for you? Do you want to report either of these crimes?
Grace, I'm so sorry this was done to you by these people you should have been able to trust.
No, this is not your fault. Rape isn't usually about people who rape being aroused in the way we think abou this when we're talking about consensual sex, not sexual violence: it's usually about power and control, instead. In this case, I suspect it also was about homophobia (some people call this "corrective rape," a team which describes sexual violence that people do who have such ignorance about homosexuality and sexuality they think gay or lesbian people can be changed -- to being straight -- by sexual violence).
This isn't about you making a bad choice: your parent and your friend both SHOULD have been safe people for you, both to tell this to, and just safe for you, period. It's THEIR fault that they chose not to be safe and instead chose to exploit and abuse you when you were vulnerable. They betrayed you, they chose to do violence to you. This is on them, not on you.
What can we do for you right now: what kind of help would you like from us most? Are you able to be away and stay away from both of these people, who obviously are not safe for you? Do you want to report either of these crimes?
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead
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