I will try to be as non-graphic as possible in this post. Sorry if it's long, or inappropriate. I really don't know where else to go. I have no one to talk to about this.
I'm 19 years old, survivor of sexual assault. It happened when I was a young teen and since then I have dated, but most of those relationships remained nonsexual due to trauma on both sides, as well as general teen/lesbian awkwardness. The only really fully sexual relationship I've had was a short-lived one early this year, and I'm still trying to process what happened with me and why it went wrong.
The girl I was seeing was much more experienced than me but very sweet and generally respectful of my boundaries. I felt somewhat pressured to have sex, but I'm certain that it was unintentional and if I had discussed it with her she would have been apologetic and changed her behavior. During sex, I was not aroused, unable to relax, often uncomfortable, and extremely anxious and self conscious. I repeatedly felt myself in the middle of the act wishing it would just end already. I said nothing about this. My partner tried to stay in tune with me and check in, asking if I was alright- each time I said yes. Asking if I felt good- each time I said yes. I was not alright. I did not feel good. Sometimes I would be so anxious I felt dizzy and my face and hands would go numb. Once I got out of bed afterwards to find that I was shaking like a leaf. My partner was attentive, understanding, and wanted to make sure I was comfortable and felt safe. All of this could have been solved if I had communicated with her, but I couldn't. It was like it was unfathomably scary for me to say no, far scarier even than just enduring the act. Nearer to the end of the relationship I managed to make myself have small victories. I would tap her back if I wanted her to stop what she was doing, and sometimes say "not there" but I couldn't bring myself to fully tell her no or to stop. Once, I refused sex (which she was, of course, perfectly gracious about), but only after staying up worrying about it for half the night.
I feel horribly guilty about the way I treated these issues- I lied and obscured them as much as possible, and I don't know why. I almost feel like it wasn't even me doing these things, like it was some other person in my body who took over my voice. I would practice saying no in my head, but when the time came I just instinctively said yes. I think I just had so much fear, I can't even pinpoint exactly what I was afraid of, but I couldn't allow myself to be honest. I'm scared of this happening again in other relationships and don't know how to prevent it. Before this, I didn't know that I had issues around sex, and I didn't think it would be hard for me. I'm not asexual, and I want to be able to have healthy sex in a healthy relationship. Has anyone else had similar experiences and if so do you have any advice on how to handle it going forward?