Scarleteen

It's been over a year since the initial incident. My birthday party last year was already a mess; I was going through a messy breakup, i didn't have a whole lot of friends at the time and that night i had a huge drunken fight with my bestfriend. One of my really close guy friends who I was really excited to see and hadn't seen in six months came late to the party and managed to cheer me up. I had previously had a small fling with him at the end of the year prior, but called it off because he was more into it than I was. I was very clear that I wasn't attracted to him how he was to me. I was extremely drunk by the end of the night so my male friend took me to bed, which was fine. He got in with me which i didn't think anything of because I often share beds with my friends of any gender, but then he started trying to kiss me. At first i just ignored it and tried to sleep/pretend to sleep so he'd stop. He didn't stop and started getting under my clothes, so I tried to turn away but he kept me still. I told him to stop it and said no numerous times but he seemed to be under the impression that i was playing a game. I tried pushing him but he pinned my arms so i gave up. He eventually stopped when he realised I was crying but he never said anything, just rolled over and went to sleep. He didn't have sex with me, but he was aggressively using and inserting his fingers. The next morning he tried again and I was embarrassed from crying and failing at rejecting him before, so i just let him do it, which i feel incredible degraded for doing. Afterwards, I told only 3 people, one of them being a good friend to me and the guy and she said that he was probably confused from the fling over 8 months prior, but I know i was clear about not reciprocating his affection. I didn't think much of it until a few months later when I had a massive breakdown over it while blackout drunk. I haven't been able to be with anybody else while sober since then because I am scared that I don't have control or choice in the situation. In realising how much the incident has affected my subconscious, I can't stop dwelling on it. I'm no longer in contact with the guy because he called and abused me a few months ago for not loving him, telling me i was undeserving of love and happiness and nobody could love me but him. My birthday this year recently passed and I have been thinking about it more and more frequently, the abusive call in particular really put me in a low place. The guy doesn't realise he has done anything wrong. What happened? Is it rape or assault? Or could i have just been leading him on? And how do i stop fearing being intimate with anybody else?

Hi lionelcat

I'm so sorry that this happened to you. It definitely wasn't your fault. What your describing fits the definitions of rape and sexual assault - you weren't given the opportunity to truly consent, you were ignored when you said no both verbally and with your body language and you were extremely drunk and so not in a place where you could have consented in the first place. . You definitely weren't leading him on, and even if you HAD been interested, you would still get to change your mind and say no at any time. This isn't about you not doing something right, this is about this person choosing to do something wrong, something I'm confident they knew was wrong. This goes for the following morning too.

Opening up about this is a really brave thing to do, so thank you for trusting us with your story. What would you like from us now? We can help you get in touch with resources for survivors and mental health support to help you process this and work towards feeling safe in intimate relationships again - does that sound good? Whilst we're not a substitute for qualified professionals, we can also give you a space to vent and talk about this. What do you say?