I struggle with anxiety and depression with psychotic features. A few months ago I had a few psychotic episodes where I felt that I was being molested. For a long time after that I hated being aroused, and I had a lot of thoughts about self harming in the areas I had been molested. Last week, after talking with my therapist, I miraculously stopped having those thoughts and feelings, and I felt okay with being aroused. It was great!
Recently I have been hearing stories on the news, on websites, from people I know, about being sexually assulted by coworkers, room mates, by people they were dating, aquaintences, long time friends, spouses. Pretty soon Im going to enter the adult world. And I will have coworkers and I will be dating and I will be living in dorms. In addition to this, I will be transitioning (female to male), and I will not pass well at all for a very long time until I have enough money to make a full transition. Also, people think I am very annoying, and very innocent, and very gullible and trusting. Which is all true. For the above reasons I think there is a very high likelyhood of someone attempting or succeeding in sexually assaulting me. 50% of trans people are sexually assaulted, and then theres the whole personality thing that probably increases the chances. Someone already tried to rape me when I was 12, and that was before I knew I was trans and before I got out in the real world. I figure now my chances of being assaulted are so much higher. All I can think about was these horrid past few months that Ive been feeling so terrible about the psychotic episodes, and all I can think about is how I never want to feel that way again.
I am asexual, (which means I never feel sexually attracted to anyone) and if it was my choice Id stay a virgin for the rest of my life. But I feel with the circumstances its just not realistic. And I know I can't tell the future and I don't know if I will ever be raped. All I want in the world is for someone to tell me I wont ever get raped. But no one, with certainty, can. Because no one knows. I am currently a virgin, and it is giving me a horrendous amount of anxiety. I figure the only way to get rid of this anxiety is by having consensual sex with someone I like, so I won't lose my virginity to a rapist. Because being a teenager, everyone talks about sex, and I imagine adults do too. And I feel like if I just assume I will never be raped and I do get raped, every time people bring up sex I will be horribly triggered. I am already horribly triggered by things like suicide jokes and christmas lights, whenever I hear someone name call the word psychotic, and so many other things, I just feel like I wouldn't be able to take it. I don't think I can give myself relief from this anxiety any other way. I guess I just want someone to say that how I feel is reasonable.