You have been describing, in a few posts here, what sounds like a mental health emergency to me.
I get (oh do I) the desire to try and just keep living your life as if that were not happening, and I also get how when you need to make ends meet, it makes it all even tougher.
But were this me, at this point I would be being very honest with my counselor; getting in touch to tell them all if this and to ask for their help in this earnest emergency. You might need even practical help from them about how to arrange and afford the additional counseling or other care you need, but I strongly encourage you to ask.
I am so sorry for the place you're in, and I also have earnest concerns about you coming through without landing yourself in the hospital at this point. I think it's vital you do what you can to accept you need serious help right now and that it just can't wait and is only going to go more downhill very fast if you don't act in the interest of your own care.
Please let us know if we can help by making any calls on your behalf, something we can do for users is crisis struggling to help themselves.
Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has. - Margaret Mead