Hi dalisabeth,
Thanks for catching us up! I really appreciate you coming here and sharing the difficult feelings with us.
If I tell the whole truth it will kill me more than him.
Shame is such a difficult thing. It can be decades before many survors come forward and say something like "I feel like it was my fault because on some level I enjoyed it" or "I feel ashamed remembering how I was aroused when I was assaulted". It is extremely common, much more than we talk about... But under no circumstances does our bodily reaction, our psychological reaction, or emotional reaction make us responsible for any of the abuse we suffer, ever. It's not your fault. It's just just how you survive and probably helps to keep you alive in a horrific situation!
You don't need to talk to anybody about that aspect unless you want to... It's something for you when you feel ready to go there.
Like I say it can take years for people to talk about those feelings, so it's amazing you are able to talk about it here. I really think it will help you in the future. You might feel out of control, and this might sound strange but I really don't know if I could do as well as you are doing... It really moves me how much emotion you are managing. I really want you to know that. We are all so rooting for you.
When it comes to speaking about what has been happening to you and getting help and getting safe. You might have options to tell those who might help you what you need:
For example you could tell someone that the number one thing that stops you getting help is fear of the person abusing you being punished. They need to put your safety and your treatment
before going after him.
That sounds like a really clear want from you. And something you can ask for.
Some of this might take steps.
A really small step could be saying maybe to that counsellor "Something big is happening and I will need your support but I am not ready to tell you yet."
You aren't saying much, you are definitely not having to say the "whole thing"... But that is the sort of step we could talk about here. Maybe even steps that are smaller than that.
As Karyn said, we could report too. Smaller steps could just be a conversation with us about how that would happen and what the further steps would be. Even if we didn't necessarily take those steps right away.
Sometimes we need to dip our toes in the water a few times.
I am sending out all of my well wishes to you tonight.
Remember there are people here who have heard and listened to what you have said. I hope we can help you feel like part of this burden has been shared.
"In between two tall mountains there's a place they call lonesome.
Don't see why they call it lonesome.
I'm never lonesome when I go there." Connie Converse - Talkin' Like You